I need some friendship help...

[Mosomashu]

Basically, at the moment I have two best friends: A and B.
A was originally my best friend. We would do everything together, tell each other all our secrets, and we were basically the iconic image of best friends. I really enjoyed that.
A got bullied and started to self-harm. I panicked, because I didn't know what to do. I didn't feel like I could talk to her anymore, I didn't really know what to say because in my eyes she had changed completely.
B and I were the first ones in our entire friendship group to know. We would talk about it when we were alone together and on online chat every day. I don't really know what happened to us, but is was basically all either of us could think about for about three months. We were always sad, and maybe part of it was just that we are teenagers, I don't know.
Obviously my relationship with A got a little strained, but after the initial week of shock I think she thought we were still good.
After about a month or two of this, A stopped self-harming, no thanks to me. But I wasn't completely sure she had and neither had B. B and I remained best friends.
Now, I have actually got to a stage where I can actually be happy and think of something else for a change and maybe have a more normal life. But B seems to be constantly making some sort of drama; she and I are now secret best friends because I could never tell A we were best friends and I don't think the rest of our friendship group would be particularly happy about it either.
Anyway, well in primary school B had a bit of a tough time with friendships and so hadn't had a best friend for about five or six years until she was friends with me, so she is not used to being best friends with someone, particularly not secret best friends. I've had about two secret best friendships so it's not really a new thing for me.
She is constantly getting depressed about how we can't tell anyone we are best friends and says she doesn't like pretence.
I get bored easily and I am getting bored of this. I also am finding that since we haven't needed each other to lean on the time I spend with her is getting a bit boring and I'm not really enjoying being her friend. I find that really us being friends only works when we both need the other one, and at the moment we don't. Well, she needs me but I don't need her and this is at least the third time she has got depressed about us being secret best friends. Basically, I am kind of finding her neediness and over-exaggeration of everything annoying.
The truth is that really I would rather be A's best friend because now we have more fun together and we had a really strong bond that despite three months of us not being best friends I find it difficult to cut. I feel like I can tell her my secrets again, and basically like our relationship never changed.
I don't think I should lie to either of them about who my best friend is because it's not fair, especially not on B because she was always worried that I would leave her because she basically has a pathological fear of her friends leaving her.
However, my thoughts on this change on a daily basis and some days B actually is my best friend. But mostly A is my best friend, and I've felt this for about a month.
To make it more complicated, A moved over the summer and now lives about an hour away from me.
I have no shortage of other friends in my group if I decide not to be B's best friend, but I would feel really bad doing that to her.
My options are either to continue lying to her and pretend to be her best friend too, or to tell her and to make her really sad and depressed again.
I honestly don't know which one to choose, I have thought about this loads and nothing is helping.
So what are your thoughts? Should I tell her or carry on pretending? Or anything else? I have tried to talk to her before but it made her so depressed that I just told her I had been trying to say something else and she believed it.
Thank you so much, I would really appreciate any help at all.

[Mosomashu]

Oh and I forgot to mention that before this A had been my best friend for about four years.

[Nixxy245]

Wow. You really have something going on there, huh? I think you should keep pretending, as you stated, to be B's best friend, but I believe you should tell A, you're real best friend (am I right? I kinda got lost), that you're like ''best friends'' with B. She should understand that you can have more friends than just her, in my opinion. Just one question, does A know B? I mean, are they friends too or they don't know each other at all? I couldn't find that out from the text :P . If A knows B, then she probably knows how B is, as you said, afraid of friends leaving her. A should understand that you don't want to hurt B since she's so sensitive and all. You should talk with A about this when you two get together since she moved away. By the way, I personally believe if someone's moved away,it doesn't mean you shouldn't be friends anymore or stuff like that. It's hard when you moved away from your old neighborhood to new one and you certanly do need friends to get through that. I went through that process, and it's not really pleasant when you don't have nayone to rely on( I didn't count my parents). That's what I think. Hope it helps, at least a bit. :)

[kayls42]

Pretending and lying = will end up with you getting hurt.

Honestly, having *been* in your position, I would say cut them both from your "best friends" list. If they're really interesting in remaining your best friends, they will pursue you.
It's a lot like dating that way, actually (never thought about that before). If someone is worth your time, you don't need to be the only one actively participating or pursuing.

If that makes sense.

However, from your post, I sort of get the feeling you would like to just "drop" B and become friends with A again. While that may not be possible, you can certainly try.
What could happen, though, if you don't tell A that you were "secret best friends" with B, is that B might try to stir up some drama and have you come "running back" by telling people about your secret friendship.

Be honest with B - tell her that, although you were really glad to be her friend for as long as you were, you just aren't comfortable with remaining her best friend. Let her know you'll still be there if she *absolutely* needs you (i.e., let her down easy!)

As for A not living near you, well, yeah, that could be a problem. But if you're really as close as you claim, you can maintain a friendship with that distance.

Best of luck; if you don't see a way out of this, just cut all the ties and start over somewhere new, without the drama. Seriously. This kind of stuff is *not* worth wasting precious time on, particularly if there won't be a happy ending.

[Mosomashu]

Thank you both so much :) I told B that I didn't want to hurt her feelings and I would totally be there for her but I couldn't be best friends with her anymore, and I also decided that I didn't really want or need to be best friends with A either. (But kayls42, you saw right through my post; at that moment I did just want to drop B and be friends with A) At the moment I don't have a best friend, and there's a lot less drama and it's a lot better. Thanks for the help :)