PDA

View Full Version : Do you like the story I'm writing so far


SonicBoom12
19th Feb 2011, 10:09 AM
Do you? What can I do to improve it? I'm typing it on word, so It SHOULD be spelling mistake free. Please take your time reading and tell the truth about it please. The werehog part is inspired by Sonic Unleashed, allthough its not about Sonic.


I entered the dark dreary room; I saw a large twisty bottle sitting on the table, the contents of the bottle was blood red and it smelt like onions and leek. The label that had once been on there was torn and mucky so I couldn’t read a word of what the strange formula did, or what was in it. Conscious of the side effects, I picked up the bottle, as I unscrewed the cork it made a horrible screech. I drank it down until the bottle was completely empty. Suddenly, I felt as if a ghostly cold hand had touched me; I began to quiver all over, shaking like I was in an earthquake. Suddenly I felt my nails shoot out like missiles in to large claws, rose pink hair grew all over me, my teeth into fangs and my hair into spike’s similar to Sonic the hedgehog’s but in pink! My lovely green eyes flashed and turned an evil looking ruby red suddenly my body took over my brain and before I could think I let out an almighty howl. I stormed over to the dusty mirror, as the potion made me stomp all the time as well. I brushed of the dust and then I screamed, I had known of werewolves, but I had turned into a werehog! How on earth would I get home without anyone seeing me like this? My arms were long I could try and climb over roof tops, but it could be life threatening if I fell… Well it sure is worth a try! I ran out of the room and then the building and I began to climb the buildings, suddenly I heard an ear-splitting scream, a woman with long blonde hair and blue eyes was pointing and screaming her head off, not literally but she was screaming quite a lot!

“W-w-w-w-w-hat is that creature?” she stammered her finger now shivering as she pointed at me.

I climbed faster until I reached my pastel blue house and I fell down the chimney. Mum and dad were asleep so I made it upstairs, I climbed into bed, really worried now and I hid under my sheets to sleep, I can’t go to school tomorrow! The next day I woke up shivering more than yesterday when I had transformed. I went to the mirror to see how ugly I was again but to my surprise my delicate peachy skin was back, my short midnight black hair and emerald green eyes, were all back! I opened my mouth up, no fangs! Maybe the whole werehog thing had been just a nightmare…I shoved myself into a white polo shirt, my smart St. Andrew’s red sweat shirt, a dull black skirt, long white socks and black shoes as shiny as gems. The most amazing aroma was drifting up the stairs; I ran down the stairs as quick as lightning and sat down at the breakfast table. My mum served up homemade pancakes covered in sticky and luscious maple syrup.

“Wow thanks’ mum!” I beamed as she stacked 3 pancakes up onto my white plate with blue patterns around the edges.

“Anytime” she beamed back at me.

I ate them up, and then ran towards the door, picked up my packed lunch box and then flung my marshmallow pink backpack with illustrated strawberries on it, round my shoulders. I said good-bye to everyone and bolted out of the door. I caught my friend walking past so I yelled her name

“Oh hi, Jade!” she shouted back at me

“So Amelia, I changed into a thing called a werehog last night...”

“Bah! Werewolves’ aren’t real, and there’s no such thing as a werehog! Are you out of your mind?!” She yelled while laughing a little at the same time

“I guess you’re right, must have been a dream after all...” I sighed.

We rushed to the bus stop and stood and waited for the bus to arrive. I heard a sound from somewhere, a deep growling sound. It can’t have been my stomach, surely? The bus arrived on time and me and Amelia climbed on to the bus. We chatted about nothing much until the bus came to a halt at St. Andrew’s. I heard the growling noise again, only it was more ear-splitting and had a crunch to it as well. I shrugged my inquires off about the sound and entered the school. I opened my backpack and took out a rather crumpled and dirty piece of paper, I straightened it out as it was my school timetable, my finger scrolled down to the day Tuesday, and then down the times list to Tuesday 8:30am, and it read Science with Mr. Knight. I scrunched it up and put it in my backpack before zipping my bag up and heading to the science room. I had to go up several flights of stairs until I reached the fifth floor and then had to take four different turnings. I entered the room to see everyone was already wearing their lab coats and lab goggles and were now standing around a table with empty bottles and chemicals, not to mention boiling hot water.

“You’re late!” snapped Mr. Knight “Everyone else was about to start an experiment and here you are turning up late! You’d better have a good excuse...” he yelled as if he was going to fly into a temper with me, and then I’d be laughed at for good...

“Sorry sir... I... uh... I”

“No good reason why you’re late.... huh?” he snapped, folding his arms

“Put your coat and goggles on and find somewhere to stand, don’t dawdle now!” he yelled I slipped on my goggles and shoved my coat on and I walked briskly over next to Amelia.

From that second I lost concentration and started to think about the whole werehog thing again, so all I heard was

“Chemicals... blah, blah, blah, explosions, blah, blah, blah, danger, blah, blah.” “Now begin your experiments!” He explained!

What...what? I whispered waking up from the table; not knowing I had fallen asleep due to all he’s blabbering made me bored and had sent me off to slumber-land.

“Weren’t you listening to a word I was saying?!” Mr. Knight thundered as he flew into another one of his tempers.

“Sorry...” I sighed. Little did I know when he was blabbing he said, don’t mix the red powder with the purple powder! And since I didn’t hear I thought It might be interesting if I tried it. Mr. Knight was eying me like a hawk as I spooned the red and the purple into the boiling water. He began yelling, and then my experiment blew up in his face!

“Out....!” he screeched, his face now as red as a tomato and his geeky looking square glasses shattered.

My head hung in shame as I went out of the lab too see where I was headed next. From then on everything went haywire for me... My story going wrong in English, paint went in my Art teacher’s hair in Art and in Maths I got every last question wrong! Maybe it’s this werehog thing. Maybe it’s... cursing me with bad luck! Mr. Knight gave me a letter to my parents about the explosion thing. I sat alone on the bus, I defiantly deserved it. When the bus arrived on my street, I didn’t thank the bus driver and wish him a good evening like I normally did, I just trudged off, and he seemed confused. I opened the door and slammed it shut. I threw my bag across the hallway and ran upstairs to my room in tears. I grabbed my candy pink cuddly toy Rosie and cuddled her to try and wash my stress and tears away, but for some reason today, it just wasn’t working for me... It was getting dark; I told mum I wasn’t hungry when she offered to cook my favourite dinner as I ran outside. All of a sudden it darkened even more and the clouds parted from the moon, It caught the corner of my eye, I began to quake again as the transformation happened. I roared a howl out of my uncontrollable body. Little did I know each and every day my werehog form would get more and more uncontainable! I growled and the rampage began, before I knew it my arms stretched out and frenziedly shook two lampposts one on the left one on the right of my arms. My arms reached out and smashed a whole house. Suddenly loads of dismayed residents were running for their lives and were screaming loudly! One of them picked up their phone and dialled 999 and I was taken away in a police car to jail although I’m only fourteen… I just couldn’t contain the real me, my werehog had taken over and got me in very deep trouble… I must have been knocked out inside the police car because now I am sitting in a dark, musty, smelly and wet prison cell, a bowl of green mush next to me and a bottle of dirty and stinky water… It was morning so it was back to the normal me… being stuck in prison at the age of fourteen when I had a future of bright opportunities ahead of me, but no anymore because I am saddled with a bad reputation… my mum… my dad… my friends, I’ll probably never see them again, I’m doomed for life. I smacked my head on the bars several times and then I pushed back the water and mush, but then I cried what must have been a river of tears if you saw it in a mouse’s point of view… I didn’t eat or drink all day and then I transformed the dark side here my normal side chained up inside me like a prisoner in this prison, unable to escape the evil of my werehog… My werehog evil red eyes caught sight of the bars and then my werehog arms reached out and snapped the bars as if they were ripping a piece of paper! Little did I know if I wanted to stop causing chaos, I would have to find the cure in 5 days of drinking the potion so I had 3 more days to find a cure, or I wouldn’t only transform at night... I would be a permanent werehog day in and day out! So, having broken out of my prison cell I rampaged to the door but it was being guarded by policemen.

“Stop right there beast, you go no further than this!” one of them shouted

Since I really couldn’t control myself I let out a growl and I slashed my claws at him until He was left alive, but badly bleeding. A puddle of scarlet red blood had now dripped onto the floor right in front of my feet. The other one tried so stop me as well but my mind was taken over and my evil side just took over before I could even think about what I was doing, and my claws slashed again and another puddle of blood appeared. Not knowing what I was doing I bolted out the door of the prison and when I made it outside I heard screams again, I had been seen the second I made it outside... Someone picked up their phone but my evil swiped it out of his hand and crushed it into little tiny pieces as if a china ornament hat just been smashed and was way beyond repair

Yes I put 999, I'm from the uk

Element
19th Feb 2011, 10:47 AM
It ... would ... be ... better ... if you didn't use ellipses as punctuation. There are also a good number of grammatical issues and huge paragraph blocks that make the story difficult to read. Even with those out of the way, the transitions are, well, terrible. The main character is thrust into completely random situations with all the knowledge they need to solve the issues presented to them, and most of the story feels like filler, not exposition.

Great use of similes, though.

LOLZpersonok
21st Feb 2011, 6:11 AM
I like it!!!

unalisaa
21st Feb 2011, 8:53 AM
How does the main character know that what they have turned into is a werehog? What is their motivation for drinking the contents of the unmarked bottle? Who is the main character, and what is supposed to compel me to care?

Nekowolf
21st Feb 2011, 12:31 PM
I'll read it later, but I'll impart a bit now. Spelling isn't the only problem when you write something; you also need good grammar. That's something Word will not pick up on. Like EL just said, I did a quick scroll, and saw ellipses. You should almost never see ellipses unless it's an actual part of a specific character's speech pattern, or if a character is trailing off, and NEVER in non-dialogue sentences.

Like I said, though, I'll read it later and tell you more then.

kiwi_tea
21st Feb 2011, 1:00 PM
Avoid overused phrases if you can, even in fun writing like this. "dark dreary" is an example. Try to come up with your own image, instead of relying on premade ones. :)