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Test Subject
Original Poster
#1 Old 20th Jun 2011 at 10:29 PM Last edited by DancingK8 : 21st Jun 2011 at 6:40 PM.
Default Critique the beginning of my new story!
I will eventually be posting pictures from the game to accompany this once I figure out how to stage all of them (I know this technically involves sims, but I didn't want to post it in the sims story section because the rules said you needed to have pictures along with the story).

The basic plot is a model moving to a new city with some of her friends after they all received a really important job there. She's always been known for looking perfect on the outside, but still is trying to escape the memories of her childhood home where she was always seen as inadequate compared to her brother Thomas, and went through a strong rebellious phase that eventually left her dependent on him and his wife for a place to stay. She gets sort of an unpleasant surprise after moving away (I won't spoil it, in case you ever want to read it :P) that almost ends her career, but there's a happy ending and she sort of develops an understanding of her brother's way of life.

I've written the first 2 chapters. Don't be afraid to be harsh.

Chapter 1
Ring ring.
Ring ring.


I groaned and turned over. Was that actually my phone? At 3 in the morning? Whoever was on the other line was in for a most unpleasant greeting.

But I knew the number on the caller ID- my manager. My anger quickly dissipated and was replaced with uneasiness. I knew he’d be calling with news on whether I’d gotten booked or not. I decided against using the cocktail of profanity I had mentally prepared and tried to sound polite as I answered the call.

“Hello?”

“Megan, dahhlinng,” he slurred from the other end, “I’ve got the most exciting news for youuu!”

Exciting? As in, good? “Tobias, could it possibly have waited until the morning? Models need their beauty sleep, too.”

He let out a hearty chuckle- my grumpiness tended to amuse him. “Ohhh Megan, the pahty is just beginning in Milan! I wish I could have persuaded you to join us! But I absolutely couldn’t wait to tell you- I heard back from the fashion week people. They want you in Bridgeport for the fall season! You’re doing runway on the big week, and shooting print ads for promotion for a couple of months. It sounds absolutely fahhbulous, so I just accepted for you. Hope you don’t mind, dear.”

I almost leapt out of bed with joy. This highly coveted job had been all I could think of for months- I finally had gotten my big break! I struggled to control my tone to reply. “What if had wanted to think about it, Tobias? You can’t oursource me 8 hours away without at least asking first.”

He let out another loud, ringing laugh. “Oh, it’s managerial instinct, dahling. We both know how badly you wanted it. But there is a bit of a catch- you’ve got to stay in the modeling apartments. That means sharing.”

My ecstasy was quickly muted upon hearing this. I am definitely not a people-person. I especially always hated staying with other models for any significant length of time- it was like an extremely concentrated dosage of cattiness. The months ahead would be nothing short of hell.

“Do you know…who else was booked?” I asked after a brief pause.

“Hmm…cahn’t say that I do. Well, I’ve got to dash before all the good champagne is gone. Ta-ta!”

I rolled my eyes and tossed my phone back on my end table. Figures that as soon as I want to get something out of Tobias, he’s useless.

It feels like I had only fallen back asleep for a minute when the phone rang again. This time, I wasn’t going to be friendly.

“Who the crap is this, and why are you calling me?”

“Oh Megs, lighten up!” My annoyance was lessened only slightly when I realized it was Katrina, one of my best friends. There was a distinct sound of pounding bass in the background. “You’ll never guess who I’m here with!” She trilled.

“No, I guess I won’t.”

She laughed. “It’s Sebastian! Say hi, Seb, it’s Megan!”

“HEY, MEGS!” Sebastian shouted from a distance. “YOU’RE MISSING ALL THE FUN, WHY DIDN’T YOU COME TO MILAN WITH US?”

“Seb, some people have better things to do than party.”

“I DON’T BELIEVE THAT FOR A SECOND! YOU’VE NEVER TASTED CRAB CAKES LIKE THIS!”

“Well, we weren’t really calling about the crab cakes, Megan,” Katrina said, cutting Sebastian off. “I’ve-we’ve- got something to tell you!”

“No. Let me guess. You guys are engaged!” I said in a mock-excited voice. Sebastian was incredibly gorgeous, of course, but had a tendency of breaking some hearts when girls found out he played for the other team.

“Hardly! We are,” (dramatic pause) “booked in Bridgeport this fall with you! We’re all going to be in the same apartment!”

“Oh my god! That’s great!” I said sincerely. Living with Katrina and Sebastian would be fun- they were among the few people I knew who I could actually stand. “But, seriously, if anyone calls me again in the middle of the night, it’s not going to be pretty.”

“Fine,” she giggled, “go back to sleep. We’ll go room shopping when we get back!”

“BYE, MEGS!” Sebastian called, and Katrina hung up.

Even totally sleep-deprived, I had never felt this happy. A job in Bridgeport not only meant endless new career opportunities, it was a guaranteed escape from Sunset Valley. I would have put up with anything for that.

Chapter 2
I dove into packing the next morning, but then I remembered…my brother.

I supposed my perfect brother Thomas (and equally perfect wife, Susan) would worry if I suddenly abandoned my room in the house we all shared without telling them where I was going. I was used to going days at a time barely seeing them- modeling did keep me busy enough, though I occasionally was guilty of fabricating a job when work was slow.

It wasn’t like they were rude or cruel to me. They weren’t even nosey or interfering- I always could count on them to leave me alone when I needed the privacy. Thomas was my brother, after all, and Susan…was who he wanted.

They were both everything I wasn’t. Thomas, always the perfect older son, never seemed to be able to do anything wrong. My parents never even tried to hide their obvious preference for him. He got perfect grades, was the homecoming king and our school’s star quarterback, went to college, and became exactly what my parents wanted him to be. He plays golf, wears argyle sweaters, and is president of something at some big company. To make it worse, I was hopelessly dependant on him. The fashion industry doesn’t provide a steady income, and, well…let’s just say we weren’t exactly splitting the rent 50/50.

Susan, petite and blonde, was exactly what a teenage version of myself would have hated with a fierce passion. She, like Thomas, was perfectly content with life in the suburbs and loved her role as a doting housewife. And again, like Thomas, she was incredibly selfless and never said a word to me about our unfair living arrangement.

I despised their flawlessness. I was beautiful, of course, but never amounted to anything much, just like I knew they expected of me.

I’ll show them, I thought as I slammed more clothes into a suitcase. My time is coming.
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Test Subject
#2 Old 15th Jul 2011 at 9:41 PM
i like it
Test Subject
#3 Old 19th Jul 2011 at 7:24 PM
I think I like it, but what's with all the enters? (:
Instructor
#4 Old 23rd Jul 2011 at 9:49 PM
I read it, and here's what I have to say off the top of my head.

I liked it, you seem to have a grasp on proper grammar and your vocabulary is nice, which is always a plus. I would definitely make use of more and longer paragraphs. Starting a new line with every sentence is unnecessary and a little jarring. That being said, your chapter is extremely short! I would have padded it a lot more; Talk about your character, maybe give a short explanation about Tobias, or maybe describe your main character's setting.

Accents rarely work when written out phonetically, and should be avoided at all costs. If Tobias has a posh accent, it would be better to state that he has a posh accent, instead of writing it out. On that same note, it's never a good idea to write a character's dialogue in all caps. The caps aren't needed; You already said Sebastian was yelling. Sometimes it's better to tell, not show. Also, I would take out the (dramatic pause) towards the end, and nip that practice in the bud immediately. Why would you put an action in like that when you could just write out that she paused dramatically?

In chapter two, I would take out the ellipses entirely. Ellipses are better in speech than they are in narrative, because they indicate a long pause. If the narrator of the story is telling the story in first person past, why would they pause in the narrative? There's definitely superfluous use of hyphens overall. It was better to use hyphens instead of parentheses towards the beginning of the chapter, but the other times when you used hyphens it would have been better to use a semicolon or taken it out entirely.

Overall, I also noticed that you should put more thought and effort into your diction. Use words with stronger connotations. Words like "said", "asked", "good" etc. have very weak connotations, and simply replacing them with stronger words would have gotten the point across a lot better, and given your readers a better feel for the tone. For example, "slurred" was a good choice. It gives the reader the idea that Tobias is possibly drunk or tipsy, and makes sense given his overly friendly dialogue. "Despised" is also a good choice. It's a strong verb and definitely gives the reader a feel for the extent to which the main character dislikes Thomas and Susan. You should avoid using "said" whenever possible, because "said" tells us absolutely nothing about their tone. When you wrote "Oh my god! That's great!" I felt like Megan was excited. That's what you were going for. But then that preceded "said sincerely", and the connotation of the two cancel each other out. A word like "exclaimed" would have worked a lot better.

In conclusion, your spelling is done well, and you have a good grasp on grammar, which is more than I could say for a lot of young writers, despite the occasional punctuation errors. You need to work on your diction and narrative. Flesh out your setting to immerse your reader. Dialogue alone does not a chapter make. Keep writing! I'd definitely like to see you improve, and I'd like to continue reading this story.

"There's nothing to writing.
All you do is sit at a typewriter and open a vein."
-Walter "Red" Smith
Test Subject
#5 Old 24th Jul 2011 at 12:20 AM
I liked it, but I always love to see description at the beginning of the story. Maybe set up the scene or describe where she is and the environment she's in. Is her room unbelievably messy to the point where her phone is hiding underneath her Elie Tahari blouse she'd worn the night before or is it surprising clean so that she can lazily reach her arm toward the mahogany colored dresser and grab the phone in one graceful move? I hope you continue (:
Test Subject
#6 Old 29th Aug 2011 at 1:36 PM
I really liked it. UPDATE!
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