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Mad Poster
Original Poster
#1 Old 4th Feb 2009 at 12:22 AM
Default Writers Help Thread
We all have times where we become insecure about a certain piece of text or need advice on plot development- why not have a thread to share dilemmas and exchange advice? I'll get the ball rolling with this:

Quote:

He calls her around noon of the next day, and they arrange a time to meet in the city park. A year ago, he would have agonized over the phone call for at least three days before finally making an awkward conversation over the line, but today could be his last, and he’s not about to waste it worrying about being too eager. It’s chilling, in a way, knowing that he shouldn’t order that book off the Internet because he might not be here to see it arrive, much less read it. He thinks that his patio might look nice if he plants a tree near it, but the thin sand of the hourglass is slipping through his fingers before he can turn it over, and he doesn’t want to stare out the window at a sapling knowing that he’ll never see it grow tall.


Is this paragraph awkward? I had the idea but had a hard time committing it to the keyboard. I don't intend for it to sound too melodramatic, but I'm stuck as to how to better communicate this, if I possibly could.

Do I dare disturb the universe?
.
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Scholar
#2 Old 4th Feb 2009 at 12:32 AM
At the beginning, it lacks some of the emotion that you put into your work, if you don't mind me saying
I love the concept, and the whole ordering the book off the Internet is poignant, yet in a practical everyday sort of way - you think all the time "Gee, will that arrive in time for X's birthday", but not in the sense that "Will I be dead when that arrives?"
And the imagery about the hourglass sand too - fantastic, by the way - but maybe ther could be something regarding how easy it was for him to make that phonecall in the first sentence, and therefore leading onto the second sentence to make it flow?

"Life is just a chance to grow a soul" - A. Powell Davies
Mad Poster
Original Poster
#3 Old 8th Feb 2009 at 12:26 AM
Thanks for the advice- emotional potency is what I strive for in my work, but it's hard for me to take a step back and identify when I've implemented too much or too little. Muchos gracias for pointing it out to me! I see exactly what you mean and agree completely.

Do I dare disturb the universe?
.
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#4 Old 12th Feb 2009 at 2:04 AM
Okay...coming from me this is very akward...but...
can somebody help me with a death scene? I've only got the basic parts from the begining and I need help with the death scene after this. How to you think he would react? He has to die though:

The newspaper was from the day before, unusually pessimistic this time though. All that was written on the slightly wet pages where talks of that 'Great War', the bloodshed, the torment, the horrors of combat. He laughed, how had they managed to stop the men from disurting? His morbid curiosity got the better of him, and read the first page with a slightly horrified passion. Flipping to the next page, he noticed a small article.

LOCAL ASYLUM MEMBER FOUND DEAD IN RIVER AFTER ESCAPE.

Jeanne? Jeanne had drowned herself? But....his mind drifted back to the day she had left. He had only rejected her to save her withering sanity. But the look of hurt, of torment so obvious on her face, how he should've known! Oh curse yourself! He quickly lost himself in thought. How foolish you were! Jeanne was right! You one chance at love! For once in his life, he knew he could not go on.
Mad Poster
#5 Old 12th Feb 2009 at 2:33 AM
can someone help with my thesis statement? I have to write a personal essay and I'm writing about the day I found out I had a blood disorder. The thesis statement I thought up was: "After being diagnosed with a rare blood disorder my life changed in an instant". I know, I know it sucks but I suck when it comes to these things. So what do you think? Help is very much appreciated.

"Going to the chapel of Love"

the girls club . statistics . yearbook .
Top Secret Researcher
#6 Old 12th Feb 2009 at 2:55 AM
I'm good at making thesis statements (so they say).

So steps;
-What are you trying to prove? My life changed due to blood issue
-Example of what I'm trying to prove...: I made friends with people with the same issue, my blood smells like bananas, I can sweat blood.

-Smash 'um!: After being diagnosed with a rare blood disorder I found friends with the same issue, figured that my blood smells like bananas and that I can sweat my own blood.

Topic Sentence #1-
Being diagnosed with my blood disorder I made friends with people that have the same blood disorder.

T.S. #2-
I have had many different excitements with my blood disorder, but blood that smells like bananas was the most greatest exploration.

T.S. #3-
Studying many things about my disorder I have learned and accepted that I can sweat my own blood.

I'm not making fun, but just giving random exapmles to help as best possible.

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Mad Poster
#7 Old 12th Feb 2009 at 4:59 AM
wow haha hilarious Thanks for the help Pux!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Going to the chapel of Love"

the girls club . statistics . yearbook .
Forum Resident
#8 Old 17th Feb 2009 at 3:13 PM
Helllooo, I need some help for all you people interesting in folklore or mythology or magic etc etc... I'm working on some short stories at the moment and they center around a group of "supernaturals". Heh. Well, there are some witches, some shapeshifters, some imp summoners...

I've got three main "races" if you will, but I need some more and I just can't find anything that fits the tone of the stories. It's set in England and a lot of the magic is more scientific based - it's not cute, fluffy magic with wands! XD

I was hoping anyone could give me ideas for more races/abilites/powers without it becoming X-men - English or Norse folklore would be a big bonus as well as some links for research and history? I've looked in all my usual places but I'm stumped.
Top Secret Researcher
#9 Old 6th Mar 2009 at 2:54 AM
We have a class assignment in English to pick and write about a controversal/debatable topic; I chose Pro-Illegal Postitution.

Quote:
Living life as a prostitute can lead diseases, death and economic defeat. Some prostitutes might be able to rake in loads of cash per client, but little as profit. After the purchase of illegal drugs and possibly stolen money from a greedy client, funds can run quite short. In the United State’s economic crisis, most jobs suffer the guillotine. Important teachers, department stores, restaurants and architects have all or are felling the pains of the money crisis. Prostitutes return to duty every night while the rest of the country tries to fiddle with their money plans to accommodate a lost job.

That paragraph annoys me. It's based loosely off of non-solid thoughts.

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Mad Poster
Original Poster
#10 Old 10th Mar 2009 at 9:12 PM
I don't know the parameters of the essay, PuX, so I don't think I'm a fair judge, but I would suggest that you include some factual basis for your opinion. The foundation of a persuasive paper includes emotional, logical, and factual appeal to convince the reader of your opinion. Try to find some supporting evidence. I don't agree with you in the least, but I like the phrase "prostitutes return to duty each night"- it's very poetic, in a way.

Quote:

He doesn’t remember exactly when it starts, but he knows that it starts with fire.

It’s an explosive gas leak that sets an uptown Manhattan skyscraper ablaze in columnar plumes of pulsating, fiendish red and gold. The building is vibrantly alight in comparison to the brisk envelope of starry night sky shrouding it, an incandescent pillar that persistently burns and gradually collapses into incinerated debris upon an oily canvas. Wicked curls of throbbing, blistering hellfire lick at the structure with intense force and uninhibited determination, charring the walls and melting the glass windows to encase all those inside the building within a molten, smoldering prison.



Is this a boring hook? I'm writing a nihilistic piece about superheroes' anomalous abilities leading to their deaths as they drop off one by one (invisible girl disappears, walk-through-walls girl disintegrates, etc), but I'm having a hard time starting it. The opening scene is a fire in which the protagonist (essentially a human match) has to choose to save his lover or a civilian from the burning building, but building up to that painful decision provides for a slow scene, methinks.

Do I dare disturb the universe?
.
| tumblr | My TS3 Photos |
Forum Resident
#11 Old 10th Mar 2009 at 10:53 PM
Rabid, it's a great hook but maybe you could shorten the first sentence? It really stands out but the fire - which is the most intriguing part - doesn't come in until the second half of the line. I would suggest bringing it forward. Maybe using it as one word to start it off? Only an idea! Other than that the imagery is good and you've kept it ambiguous, which I really liked about it.
Mad Poster
Original Poster
#12 Old 11th Mar 2009 at 12:11 AM
Thanks for the feedback! I see what you mean and I'll have to take it under revision- I know I have a tendency to be wordy, sometimes at my own expense. I meant to tell you about your last post seeking ideas, but I completely forgot- check out seventhsanctum.com. I don't know if it will help you it not, but it has numerous fantasy generators that might help to get the ball rolling on some creative production for your story.

Do I dare disturb the universe?
.
| tumblr | My TS3 Photos |
Forum Resident
#13 Old 11th Mar 2009 at 10:09 PM
Yes you are very wordy but don't be afraid to use that skill - you have a huge amount of freedom that way with your writing. But also don't be afraid to be blunt. Short, sharp and harsher sentences can work with the longer ones too. But it all depends on the tone you want, i.e. dreamy.

Yess I did have a look on Seventh Sanctum. Some of the gens for story ideas are pretty wacky but that's what I like! Heh, thanks for the tip though.
Top Secret Researcher
#14 Old 17th Mar 2009 at 4:51 AM
I'm trying to start up again with my story/novel and I think my creativity juice has 'poofed'.
Since this is not a 'poor-me' thread...I needz halp!

The basics are:
Ghram Hart, a grown up high school football player, keeps getting haunted by nightmares of conversations he has had with his high school girlfriend.
There is an annual town get-together taking place rather soon.
I'm planning on getting the girlfriend to be at the party and they meet, etc.

I have three pages typed and I believe it's still in the intro and I can only write essay introductions.

...So, Halp pweez :D

------------
Rabid, I don't know if you still need help on the 'Fire' piece, but I skimmed the first two sentences and I know you write with great descriptions, but this peice might be too decriptive...if that is possible.

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Mad Poster
Original Poster
#15 Old 1st Apr 2009 at 2:33 AM
PuX, what exactly are you asking for help with? I'd be glad to try my hand, but I don't see how anyone but you can specify where the story should go. And while I greatly appreciate your comment about the fire piece, I must respectfully disagree; nothing can ever be too descriptive.

Quote:

But there was something building inside of him as he listened to the mechanical rise and fall of his brother’s chest that night, some dangerous emotion that he couldn’t banish, a troublesome self-doubt that undermined all of his confidence, all of his resolve to heal Liam come hell or high water, all of his conviction. It was a maddening sentiment that slowly grated at his absolute faith in their mutual assessment of their father as a villain, an irksome nagging, an insistence that he couldn’t bear this alone. It was an immature notion rooted in boyish fancy, a desperate, unabashed need for his father to ride in on a white horse and wake Liam from this deathlike trance, a regression to the unconditional faith he had once held as a boy that his father was a hero. Now he knew better- he knew that the man who had given them life was a cold-hearted shark, but it didn’t change the fact that the lost, grieving child within him wanted nothing more than for a parent to assure him that it would be okay.


Is it clear in this piece that the character really, really wants his dad? Some background might be necessary to elucidate the emotional potency- protagonist's brother is in a coma that he's not expected to come out of, and the protagonist finds himself desperately wanting their estranged father to fix everything because he knows that he can't do it. I hope it's not too much, but in this story, the brother and father are constantly pulling the protagonist in different directions (take care of brain-damaged brother or live own life), so I suppose what I'm asking is if this paragraph is "enough" for this very pivotal moment. [/font]

Do I dare disturb the universe?
.
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Top Secret Researcher
#16 Old 1st Apr 2009 at 2:44 AM
Thank you, Rabid for wanting to try a hand at helping (I will post a paragraph at the end of this post).

On the quoted exerpt, the begining doesn't flow into the end, but to answer your question: Yes, it does seem (near the end) that the guy wants his father.
-----------------------
Quote:
Ghram knew that tonight would mark his name permanently on the gossip chain of Desmond, Arizona. He needed to not only look good, but be smiles and respectful- something Ghram is not used to while playing sports. After a couple of wardrobe changes, Ghram finally decided to leave in a plain white tee shirt and paint-spotted pants- Who said Desmond was known for high class? Ghram got into his fresh painted white truck with a fair amount of gas left in the tank, and started heading out towards the cities main park- where the Winter Party would take place.
Ghram arrived causally late-as usual. As Ghram stepped out of his truck, slamming the door, no one noticed his presence. He then tried coughing as loud as he could, but still no one still noticed that he arrived or that no one bothered to notice. Ghram figured that no one heard him or cared to see his arrival. He decided to fish through the crowd of people to find Chef Mortimer.
The city park was carefully decorated with strains of white lights- to produce more light than he regular park lights. Red tents are placed strategically so that food tents face the parking lot then as you walk through you hit carnival-like games and fun for children as well as the playground located nearby.

I kind of saddly got out of my little road block, but the above is the most questioning I have about the whole story.
I'm not looking for any certain crticing, just type your thoughts and I will improve.

So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Banned
#17 Old 5th Aug 2009 at 5:36 AM
Quote:
An unhappy young man, walking in the subway alone. It’s the middle of summer, usually a time reserved for cheerful families or couples, perhaps going on an outing to the beach or zoo, but his face is troubled.

He’s probably only 25 or so, but the creases in his face make him look five years older. It does nothing for him, as he is plain-looking without the frown – his hair is a mousy brown and his eyes are always downcast, not allowing anyone to see the color. Perhaps they were a beautiful blue or a sparkling green. He has never been open enough with anyone to lift those eyes.

And then there is a beautiful girl who looks far younger than the way she carries herself, like a refined young lady, wearing a white sundress, golden sandals, and a straw sunhat. With her she brings a little bit of the outside – a breezy, warm summer – at the park or at the beach. Her hair is yellow and hangs in curls down her back. Her eyes are a beautiful emerald green.

The young man shuffles towards her, and she, who is looking around, as if for someone, does not notice him. Then she utters a little scream as she falls over, sprawled on the ground, when they bumped into each other. He says in his dull voice now echoing concern, “Are you all right, miss?”

“A-ah…” she says, looking at him, but not rolling her eyes or sighing, like he knows many other women have done upon seeing him – he asks himself, Why would anyone really care about me? and then he sighs inwardly.

“I-I’m fine,” she says, her face flushing a little. He notices how her pale skin turns rosy and instantly knows that she is not an ordinary young lady. “That’s good,” he says. His voice has lightened noticeably. Actually, he looks a lot less dreary than he did before.


What do you guys think? Please just give it a "(insert number here) out of five" or something. Tell me how I can improve too. I'm aware that I'm younger than many of the people here, but I hope to learn from all of you!
Mad Poster
Original Poster
#18 Old 10th Aug 2009 at 4:28 PM
I think that it's promising, Torako. I'm interested to know what's happening with the girl. The tone is a bit conversational in a few instances, though, and I would advise against referring to her as a young lady- it makes the protagonist seem far older than he is, and the turn of phrase seems a bit dated.

I just read an article on purple prose (excessive description, flowery phrases) and realized that it sums up just about everything I've ever written. Is my writing really that excessive? Sometimes I feel like it's not nearly enough. I love the way I write, but the article has made me wonder- what if I never get published because all I can do is write purple prose? Even if what I write is indeed purple prose, does it feel like it? Is it really too much?

Do I dare disturb the universe?
.
| tumblr | My TS3 Photos |
Mad Poster
#19 Old 11th Oct 2009 at 12:09 PM
Does this sound OK? It's part of a story I have to write for an English assignment.

The night was pitch black, only the eerie light of the moon lit the overgrown garden below it with a strange, silver light that illuminated the huge apple tree (which never had any apples) and the birds that roosted in its branches. The owner of the big, spooky-looking house that overlooked this garden came outside, as she did every night, to admire the stars twinkling above her. The light got a little brighter as she stood underneath it, and she welcomed this as it seemed to cause more stars to become visible. However, under this light, she was murdered.

Any suggestions?

Happiness is anyone and anything that's loved by you.

My name is Jessica, but I answer to Jessie, Jess, Candiiee, Candy and Cand. :P
Scholar
#20 Old 11th Oct 2009 at 12:39 PM
Jessie that is really good the only quirk I have (and it's minor) is the first sentence, it seems a little long to me, maybe you could break it up a bit?

Eh-hem, this a 100-word drabble that I wrote, it's actually fan fiction for the Discworld series by Terry Pratchett. You really have to know the character, Commander Samuel Vimes, to fully understand the piece, but basically, he's a policeman, and he's patrolling the city streets at three o' clock on a rainy night.

Vimes stands with his back against the wall.

It’s three o’ clock in the morning. The city is cloaked in thick, fuzzy darkness. Rain streaks down windows and pools in the gutters.

He pulls his helmet down lower, adjusts his thick, warm cloak to keep out the bitter cold and reaches for the silver case in his pocket, lighting up a cigar.

In a few minutes he’ll move on, but for now he is in his own little world - the taste of the smoke and the sound of the rain whispering.

His nose is cold, but no matter.

Perfect harmony.


Any ideas for improvement?? I'd really appreciate it. It's called Harmony lol I tried to make it concise but meaningful, it's hard to fit in an idea to 100 words.

Meg xx

Call me Meg

lately i want everything
every star tied to a string

av credit
Banned
#21 Old 6th Apr 2011 at 12:58 PM
it's not me that needs the help is is my firend vampire of fire. she needs help in every aspect her stories do not descidre anything and she uses said to much please help her. i know she would not ask for it her slef.
 
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