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Scholar
Original Poster
#1 Old 29th May 2016 at 9:33 AM
Default seeking some advice
I know I'm pathetic for posting this, but I can really use some help right now. For the longest time I've wanted to find that special someone, but I just don't know what to do. When it comes to talking to girls, anything other than a casual conversation just freezes me in place, I'm just too nervous and shy to even say anything. Plus actually trying to find someone won't be easy for me, my life is such a disaster I doubt anyone would want to be with me. I've been able to tolerate being alone for a while now, but lately even thinking about it or seeing anything that triggers the thought just triggers a deep depression that I'm really struggling with. It's turned me into someone I don't want to be, and I just can't break free.

I know this is an odd place to ask for advice, but honestly I'm too afraid to ask anyone I know. I just don't have the courage to let anyone I know see what I'm going through, so I put on a fake smile and pretend everything is okay. I'll be 33 in a few weeks, and while that may not really be that old I'm starting to lose hope. It just seems like I'm meant to be alone, and I don't know what to do. I guess more than anything I'm seeking advice to try and get over my depression since I doubt I'll ever find someone. I'm just completely lost right now.
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Scholar
#2 Old 29th May 2016 at 1:24 PM Last edited by Dizzy-noodles : 29th May 2016 at 1:49 PM.
First of all have a big hug!

I'm in my thirties and single too, and I often have those same sad thoughts that you do.

I think that the first thing to do would be to tackle your shyness, and your depression. So here is what I would suggest:
1. Go to see your doctor and see if they can refer you for counselling - I have to warn you that you might have a long wait, I had counselling (about my chronic disease), and I had to wait about 10 weeks before I got to see anyone, so it's a good idea to get that started now.
2. In the meantime, whilst waiting for an appointment, I think it might be a good idea to buy a few self-help books, and get started reading those. You can get some fairly cheap second hand on the internet, from Amazon or Ebay. The kind of thing you would probably need are books aimed at building up your self-esteem, and tackling depression.
3. Talk to your friends and family about why you think your life is a disaster. See if there is anything you could do to possibly change your circumstances, they might have some ideas that you haven't thought of. For example, you could try to find a new job, if that is what you're not happy with.
4. Get out more and get talking to people - I know that this must sound really daunting if you are very shy and depressed, but it is something that does get easier with practice. I think this would help you so much, because it would help with your shyness, as you would get used to talking to people. It would help with your depression, as hiding yourself away often makes you feel worse. Also you might be out somewhere chatting to people, and realise that you are actually enjoying yourself - even one good day can help to lift your mood. You may also find that you meet someone special on one of these nights/days out!

If you don't get out very much at the moment, then it might be a good idea to join a social group for meeting new friends, something like Meet Up http://www.meetup.com/ , for example. Events are organised by other people, and you join a group which interests you, then you can view a list of upcoming events, and decide which ones you would like to go to. Most people attend these events on their own, so you would not be the only one, and also, people will come over and talk to you, so you don't have to be the first to reach out. Also a lot of people at these events are single.
5. Try to make small talk with people wherever you go. Even if you have just gone to the shops for some milk, and you ask the person on the till if they have had a busy day in the shop. Even something small, such as a sentence or two, will get you some practice at chatting and being more social, which will help you to feel more confident when talking to women.
6. Don't forget that women are only people too. If you are talking to a girl and you think she is very beautiful, she might not feel pretty, she might be worrying what you think of her, and whether she has said something stupid, for example. Most people are putting on a brave face a lot of the time, and pretending to be confident, when actually they might be feeling crappy or having a bad day.
7. Once you have built up your confidence, you could try online dating. Don't try this until you are feeling a bit stronger though, as you are almost guaranteed to get rejections, rude messages, unwanted attention (for example, someone who you do not like, but will not leave you alone), and periods of little to no attention or response. This is nothing personal against you, it's just the way online dating is for everyone. I advise you to do this when you do feel more confident, because these setbacks can make you feel very disheartened if you are not careful. Don't give up though, if you need a break, just leave your profile inactive, don't delete it, as you might want to try again in the future. Some good free ones are Plenty of Fish http://uk.pof.com/ and Ok Cupid https://www.okcupid.com/ .

Make sure you include at least one good photo of yourself, or no-one will talk to you. A bad photo is better than no photo at all. Do not use a group photo, a fancy dress photo, or one of yourself from far away, or pulling a funny face. Keep your profile upbeat and friendly (don't write anything negative in there). When you see a woman you like, send her a message. Keep the message short, and maybe mention one thing that you liked about her profile, for example if she likes a TV programme that you like, you could tell her which one is your favourite episode. Do not let your message get longer than a paragraph (or about 4 sentences), as that can be very offputting. Do not overdo it with compliments either, as it can come across as obsessive. Just give her one compliment per message. Don't wait for a response, carry on looking and sending messages to other women in the meantime. She might not respond at all - don't take this personally, it just means that she is not interested. Men don't take 'no' for an answer most of the time, so a lot of women will not answer at all, rather than be drawn into an ugly "Why don't you like me?" conversation. If she doesn't answer, don't message her again, just leave it and move on.

If you do get an answer from a woman you like, keep your messages short and positive. Never send more than one in a row, and only about once a day, unless she is messaging you more often, in which case you can let her set the pace. Ask her questions, and be sure to answer the questions that she has asked you. At this point it is ok if the messages end up getting a bit longer, due to the conversation, but as a general rule they should only be about as long as hers. Do not talk to her for more than 2 weeks before asking her on a date - she will assume you are not interested, or that you're never going to meet her, and she may stop talking to you and look for someone else.

When you go on the date, don't forget that it more than likely won't work out, so don't hang all your hopes on it. The chemistry that you felt whilst messaging each other might not be there in person. My theory on dates is that you have 4 possible outcomes:
1. You both fancy each other.
2. She fancies you, but you don't fancy her.
3. You fancy her, but she doesn't fancy you.
4. Neither of you fancies the other person.
So you can see the odds aren't great. Just relax and focus on having fun. See it as a night out with a nice woman, which may turn into something more, and may not. Any date which does not work out is good practice for the next one

Dating is a numbers game, if you just keep trying, and don't become disheartened and give up, then I am sure you will meet someone wonderful in time! You just need to be brave and put yourself out there, and you might get everything you ever wanted!

I know this is a lot to read, and you probably know most of it already, but I hope that some of it is useful! I know how hard it is being single at this age, so feel free to ask me stuff or vent about things, and good luck!
Test Subject
#3 Old 29th May 2016 at 5:18 PM
I'll just chime in, as I kinda know what you're going through.

I agree with dizzy-noodles, get some professional help. That's the first thing you have to do. I would never have gotten rid of my depression without seeing a psychiatrist once a week and getting proper medication. They won't do miracles, it's a long road and it takes work, but you can do it. Even I did it. :-) I don't know where you live or how easy/hard it is to get professional help, but do try.

Next, as to the "meeting someone" bit... I'm not as old as you, so I'm not in the exact same situation, but I used to think I'd never find someone either, especially since almost all girls my age had been dating for a while. But you know what? I did find someone in the end. And I met him online, on OkCupid! We've been together for three years and still going strong.

I met him when I was still depressed, but I was already well on the road to recovery. I started chatting with people online when I got past my phase of "I'm so depressed, I can't do anything and don't want to see anyone" and started craving social contact again. Maybe you'll be able to do this too?

Really, I agree with almost everything dizzy-noodles said, except maybe the part about all those "rules" of online dating... Now, I'm a girl, so I don't know how it is for guys, but I certainly did not fret over every single detail when I was on OkCupid, not even with my now boyfriend. I think that's what did the trick actually. If you overthink it, you won't be natural and it's easy to tell when you're not being natural, even over the internet.
Really, it's normal to be eager to make a good impression and not to appear clingy or desperate, but those are things that apply to girls too! We're not some strange creatures who won't approach you unless you behave in a very specific way. Really, the only requirement is to be polite, but you should already know that. ;-) I'd say don't worry about this, try online dating if you want to and when you're ready to, and that's it. :-)

Hope my message's understandable and not too long. But mostly, I hope it'll help you, if only a bit!
Scholar
Original Poster
#4 Old 29th May 2016 at 6:41 PM
Quote: Originally posted by Chax
why do you feel your life is a disaster ? What is SO bad about it ?
Well to be perfectly honest things have been a complete mess for a few years now. It's been so long since I had a job, and I can't seem to get one at all. I went through several years where I was hooked on drugs, and I never bothered trying to get a job since I knew I'd never pass a drug test. I've been clean a while now, but now I just have a complete lack of confidence. Every time I apply I just get rejected, so much so that I've basically given up. If not for my parents I'd be living on the streets, or probably even dead, and my parents are hurting financially and I know I'm a reason. In my current state I'm not sure I could hold a job. Mentally I don't think I could handle it, and I'm not sure I could handle it physically either. I never finished high school, which is going to limit a lot of opportunities. I'm not the smartest person (I think I've made that pretty obvious), so unless I took some sort of physical job I'm pretty limited.

I just don't know what happened. I used to be pretty tough mentally and physically, now I'm just an emotional train wreck. I guess I'm so afraid of rejection in any form that I just don't bother trying to do anything.
The Great AntiJen
retired moderator
#5 Old 29th May 2016 at 8:44 PM
I think I'd reiterate what the others have said - get some professional help with your self-esteem issues and depression. Where are you? I'm guessing the States somewhere?

The thing is, while you are depressed and have low self-esteem, you are not an attractive proposition to someone else. This is affecting both your ability to attract a potential romantic partner and your ability to find a job. I don't say that to be cruel but to try and help you understand the importance of helping yourself first. You might actually find someone as you are now but it's a risk since the type of people who would hook up with you at the moment have a high chance of being pretty unhealthy themselves - there are a lot of people around who seek out vulnerable people to get involved with generally for not very good reasons. You don't need that.

You did a great job coming off the drugs - a great job - you took care of yourself well there but you need to take it a step further. I think helping yourself now will also get you into a better frame of mind to get a job - and getting a job should boost your confidence further. You've got yourself into a spiral which is going down. You need to stop it if you can. There are many positive things in your post - clear perceptions, some good introspection, a realistic (though too negative) understanding of what you can do in terms of work and awareness of others and their needs (your parents) which are good signs - those are the sort of qualities that are likeable in a person and will help you recover and get back on track.

I no longer come over to MTS very often but if you would like to ask me a question then you can find me on tumblr or my own site tflc. TFLC has an archive of all my CC downloads.
I'm here on tumblr and my site, tflc
Scholar
Original Poster
#6 Old 29th May 2016 at 11:19 PM
Unfortunately I'm not sure I could afford to get any sort of professional help. I'd have to rely on my parents for that, and I'd rather not hurt them anymore financially. I'm really stuck trying to overcome it not only on my own but with the help of anyone who is willing to do so. Yeah I live in the States, New York to be specific though not sure that really matters. Then again my depression really started when we moved here. I know exactly what you mean maxon. I know the way things are now I'm just hurting myself, and the odds of good things happening for me in my current state of mind are pretty slim. I've always been a bit depressed in the past, but lately it's to the point where sometimes I just feel hopeless and I'm struggling to deal with it.

Oddly enough one of the things that makes me feel better is listening to a band called HIM, whose songs can actually be pretty depressing with the lyrics and meanings behind them, yet it comforts me for some reason.

Here's examples of some of their lyrics
from Cyanide Sun:

Sleepwalking Past Hope:

from When Love Starts To Die:

How lyrics like that can comfort me I have no clue. I guess they speak to my troubled mind.
Top Secret Researcher
#7 Old 30th May 2016 at 5:51 AM
There are some ways you could get therapy, even with little to no money. If you leave near a college, some of them will take on patients for their psych students to practice on with supervision. Some practices will also have a sliding scale of pay, so their lower-income patients pay less than the ones who can easily afford it. You might also qualify for some specialized groups that will sponsor your therapy. You could find a rehab program that'll help, or some similar group. Take a look around in your area and you might find something that will work for you.

I'm also dealing with mental issues and I know of some online contract work (like transcription, which I do) that doesn't have many of the issues that keep you from regular work and I think you'd stand a good chance of getting accepted. Might be worth giving those a shot if you're interested.

And hey, things aren't completely hopeless. You got yourself out of drugs even when things sucked. That's something that takes a lot of strength. Not everyone could do it: some would find a way to keep their fix going, even if they couldn't afford drugs or had a way out of it or were being forced to stop. Your parents love you and they're willing to help you. Even though you're afraid of rejection, you still posted on this site, which must have taken some courage. And, like maxon said, you have a lot of good qualities going for you. You're in a crappier situation than most people have to deal with, but with the right tools and support, you can work through that. And yeah, I know that sometime soon, your brain is going to start screaming that you can't do anything and remind you of everything that's gone wrong in your life. Just remember that you've already done better than a lot of people would in your situation, that some of these things have gone wrong because you had a mental illness (that wasn't your fault), and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel that might not be within reach now, but it can be soon.

Also, there are people out there who would help if they knew you needed it, and some of them are probably in your life right now. Maybe some of the people you know would pull away, but that's a reflection of them, not you. Some of them might not be able to help because they have their hands full with their own problems, but that doesn't mean they hate you. There will be some people who will do what they can for you, and that will be an immense relief. Those people are probably sensing that something's wrong and wondering what's happening, or if you don't like them anymore, but they can't do anything if you keep pretending everything's fine. And hey, if you can't find any support, at least you know for sure and you can go look for the people who will help.
Rejection sucks, and it's not surprising that you hate it, but sometimes the fear is worse than the thing itself.

My MTS writing group, The Story Board
Lab Assistant
#8 Old 30th May 2016 at 7:31 AM
I admit, I haven't read all the posts.
My advice would be: try to find a new hobby. Something you haven't tried anything similar to, something you thought: "Hey, I'd really love to try, but I'm too shy." But it should not be something like tennis where you're one on one. Something you do together as a group. Maybe even theatre there you have to learn to lose your shyness. You'll meet new people and talk to them. You get to know them. Though you shouldn't go there looking for a partner. I cannot guarantee you'll meet somebody. But do not decide on looks who you like but on the charakter. You don't have to flirt with the person you like. If it is mutual something will somehow happen and the flirting comes naturally
And always remember: there are worse things in life than a rejection. I know, I've gotten a few
Scholar
Original Poster
#9 Old 30th May 2016 at 8:13 AM
Quote: Originally posted by Flauschschlange
But do not decide on looks who you like but on the charakter.
I'm not one to really care about looks. To me it would just be a nice bonus if I can somehow end up with someone with great looks.
Quote: Originally posted by hugbug993
Even though you're afraid of rejection, you still posted on this site, which must have taken some courage.
Well to be honest I find it easier to talk about my problems in a place like this, mainly because I typically struggle with talking about my problems face to face with someone, at least with something like what I'm dealing with now anyway. Also having been a part of this site for a while now I know that most people on here are nice and I've never really seen too many people that are complete jerks like you find on a lot of websites, so oddly enough I feel comfortable talking about it here. Though to be honest I really didn't expect many replies.

Right now I do actually feel better than I have in quite a while, and it's really a combination of me getting things off my chest and all the nice responses I've been getting. I almost feel like I'm in a therapy session. I actually found myself laughing earlier, which I really haven't genuinely done in a while. I know if my old self could finally shine through again it would smack me in the face and set me straight, not that I would enjoy being smacked in the face. I know my problems are basically all mental, I just need to find myself again. I'm not the smartest person in the world, dropping out of school is a perfect example of that, but I'd really be a complete idiot if I just gave up.

I'm trying so hard to get myself motivated again. I've even started browsing for part time jobs, because honestly I'm not quite sure I'd be ready for full time again just yet. My physical conditioning isn't quite what I'd like, It's nothing too bad but I'll admit that I am overweight. I managed a little over 20 pushups earlier, now my arms feel like they're gonna fall off. I'll end up taking some sort of job that requires good physical conditioning because there probably won't be a lot of things I'd be qualified to do, and don't think I'm putting myself down by saying that, to quote a Metallica song "it's sad but true". Okay had to pause and put that song on, and that brought out some aggression... and some more damage to my hearing.

Wow okay I'm in such a good mood right now I have to quote one of my favorite video games here, Xenoblade Chronicles, "I'm really feeling it!" I hope this mood carries over to tomorrow, or better yet, improves. Think I'll try some more pushups.
Scholar
Original Poster
#10 Old 30th May 2016 at 5:38 PM
Quote: Originally posted by Chax
I see you've dropped out of highschool. It's not because you're not a good student that you're stupid. Get that out of your mind. That's what I used to think and that's just not the truth
In truth I was an honor student before high school. Then just before starting high school my dad was forced to transfer or find a new job, of course he decided to transfer going from Indiana to New York. Before the move I was about as happy as could be, but once we moved that seemed to be the start of my troubles. I didn't wanna go to school. I didn't wanna talk to anyone. I started smoking for some reason. I was miserable because I missed being back in what to this day I still think of as home. Once I was old enough I got a part time job, which eventually turned into a full time job. That was when things started looking up. I had money, I made friends, and I hated the job at times but I enjoyed talking with quite a few of the people I worked with. Though even at that point I was still an emotional wreck, and I let my emotions get the best of me because of one rude customer and it got me fired. That was when my spiral of depression really started up.

I managed to hide behind a false happiness for a while after that, mostly because of drugs. I would love to say that I willingly stopped using drugs, but in reality I just couldn't get anything and I pretty much had no choice but to stop. I know that if I still had access I would have never stopped, I had a pretty bad addiction and I doubt I would have quit if I had the access. The temptation is no longer there at least, and I can at least say I'm clean of any sort of drugs. Plus I gave up smoking long ago, that I did simply just quit on my own. It's also been several years since I've had any alcohol, I just have no desire to drink. I know if I let myself get back to the drugs or start drinking that I would just ruin all that I'm fighting for.

For the most part I can keep my mind in check, but the one thing that hurts more than anything is the loneliness. Just typing this out isn't gonna be easy, I know I'm gonna lose it, but if I don't admit my problems and face them I may never get over it. It's just not easy to get out of my head, everywhere I look I'm reminded of just how lonely I am. Just the thought is enough to completely ruin any good mood I may be in. Something as simple as seeing a happy couple together and I just feel like I'm gonna break down. I avoid watching tv at all. There are songs, movies and video games I normally love that I avoid because the things that should be making me happy just make me want to cry. It's just something I can't get over or get away from.
Scholar
Original Poster
#11 Old 30th May 2016 at 6:20 PM
Its a loneliness from being single for way too long, basically forever. Obviously I know no one here can help me with that other than simple advice. It's something I'll just have to deal with until I can clear my head, and until that happens the odds of me finding someone are probably zero. In my current state I struggle just wanting to walk outside so just meeting someone at this point will be nearly impossible, and honestly what girl would want to be with me as things are now.
Scholar
Original Poster
#12 Old 30th May 2016 at 6:53 PM Last edited by haywud : 30th May 2016 at 7:05 PM.
I'm really hoping I can find a job, that has to happen. Though I need to clear my head before I even try because I don't wanna get a job then struggle because I'm not thinking clearly. I have to somehow prepare myself to work again, mentally and physically. If I were to jump into a job as I am right now it wouldn't last long, so I have to be ready so things won't slip away again once I get back on track. I have to make this happen, no matter what my mind is telling me it must happen or there is no hope.

EDIT: Just listened to a HIM song that I never really took the time to understand the lyrics for, but it really seems to speak to me right now. It's kind of eerie.

Don't Close Your Heart
Scholar
#13 Old 30th May 2016 at 9:44 PM
Quote: Originally posted by Soukizini
Really, I agree with almost everything dizzy-noodles said, except maybe the part about all those "rules" of online dating... Now, I'm a girl, so I don't know how it is for guys, but I certainly did not fret over every single detail when I was on OkCupid, not even with my now boyfriend. I think that's what did the trick actually. If you overthink it, you won't be natural and it's easy to tell when you're not being natural, even over the internet.
Really, it's normal to be eager to make a good impression and not to appear clingy or desperate, but those are things that apply to girls too! We're not some strange creatures who won't approach you unless you behave in a very specific way. Really, the only requirement is to be polite, but you should already know that. ;-) I'd say don't worry about this, try online dating if you want to and when you're ready to, and that's it. :-) !


Well, they were kind of supposed to be guidelines rather than actual rules, but reading it back, it does sound a bit 'ruley'. I'm a girl too, and most of those things are just things that creep me out a bit, and put me off personally, and make me decide not to answer a message from a bloke. But everyone is different, and as Soukizini said, those things might not put some girls off.

Also, I forgot to add yesterday, that my advice is meant as a long-term plan, so don't feel as if you have to do all that at once, just work on one or two things at a time, and the rest you can tackle when you feel more comfortable. I think that this thread in general would be more helpful as something that you can keep coming back to and re-reading, rather than trying to absorb it all at once, which could be overwhelming.

You mentioned that you get disheartened when being rejected for a job - I think that this is actually a very similar situation to online dating (or real life-dating), in that it is a numbers game, and everyone who is looking for work will get lots and lots of rejections before they get a job. Especially in this economy, where there are not enough jobs to go around. Admittedly your past might hinder you to a certain extent, but try not to take it too personally. There is nothing you can do to change your past, and I personally think it is actually really impressive that you have turned things around, and are no longer taking drugs. One of my friends said once, that worrying or feeling bad doesn't actually help the situation, all it does is makes you feel bad. And as Maxon said, if you act confident (even if you have to pretend), then I think that will help you.

As for your parents, I think that if you explained that you are trying to turn your life around, and explain all of your goals, including that you really want a career, then I think that they might view paying for your counselling as an investment in your future, rather than a waste of money. I'm sure they must love you and want to help you to get back on your feet. You could even offer to pay them back once you are working, if that would make you feel less guilty. hugbug993's suggestion about cheaper therapy sounds like a great idea too.

I'm glad you're feeling more positive today! I think it would be a good idea to keep talking to people on here, everyone is very kind and helpful. Also it can really help to just get everything out that maybe you feel like you can't say somewhere else.

I think a part time job, and doing some exercise are great ideas! Also keep listening to your music! It doesn't matter why it speaks to you, or makes you feel better, the main thing is that it does! Music can really help sometimes.
Scholar
Original Poster
#14 Old 30th May 2016 at 10:54 PM
Quote: Originally posted by Dizzy-noodles
I think it would be a good idea to keep talking to people on here, everyone is very kind and helpful. Also it can really help to just get everything out that maybe you feel like you can't say somewhere else.
Yeah I know it may seem weird but there's just something about this site that makes me feel welcome. I've been here around 6 years now (though I was never that active until more recently) and have never had a bad experience when looking for help with anything Sims related, though of course in this case it's more about help with reality. I don't think I would feel comfortable saying any of the things I have on other sites, most people would just act like complete jerks and do nothing but make me feel worse. I mean yeah talking to people I know would be good, but I don't know, there's something special about people that don't even know me taking the time to try and help and I can't quite explain it.

Emotionally I still feel like the ball in a pinball machine, bouncing around everywhere. One second I'm happy, then the next I feel terrible again. I know part of my problems are the negative thoughts, but I try and try and just can't block them out. It seems like no matter what I try to do to pass the time there's always something to trigger those negative thoughts.
Site Helper
#15 Old 31st May 2016 at 12:33 AM
If you live in the States, you can still get a GED, which will help with job possibilities. (And may help you get your head clearer while you study for it.)

If that song speaks to you, keep playing it. Use earphones if you have to, but listen to it. (I remember having to stream music from Pandora all day while I was battling suicidal depression. ) If you're religious, prayer does help get rid of negative thoughts or at least tones them down a lot. (And if you aren't, you can forget I said anything about it, or try meditation. I -am- religious, so I look to God first, and so far God has never let me down. )

There are two things that I've learned, which may or may not be useful to you right now.
1. There are more people with masks than you realize until they see you take yours off. Then theirs can start coming down as well.
2.Happiness is an emotion, and it comes and goes. Joy is a choice, which can become a habit. And it is possible to have joy in the middle of a deep depression. It's a really weird feeling, and it can happen. Keep looking for joy, and you will start finding it. It may come from something as simple as a beautiful flower, or 10 minutes without a negative thought. But there is good in this world. See it. There is good in you. Embrace it. Look for a positive thought every time you feel a negative one. Make it a habit. of finding and appreciating what is good in you and in the world. And make use of anything that helps.

I am Ghost. My husband is sidneydoj. I post, he downloads, and I wanted to keep my post count.
Group for Avatar Makers* Funny Stories *2017 Yearbook
Scholar
Original Poster
#16 Old 31st May 2016 at 1:34 AM
I think one of my worst problems right now is that the things that should actually make me feel happy are almost bringing me to tears. It's a miserable feeling, my face could be showing a smile but my mind just seems to have other ideas. Even when I wanna be happy it just doesn't seem like I'm fully capable right now. I'm pretty calm now, but it's just so hard to keep my mind focused.
Site Helper
#17 Old 31st May 2016 at 2:56 AM
I think one of the nastiest things that society has done is to make it shameful for an adult to cry, especially a man.
You are at war with your negative thoughts. You're probably not going to find any big things that make you happy, because they have been winning. Find little, momentary, things. They add up, like pennies in a penny jar.
And when nothing is wrong, but everything is wrong, you want to cry but you don't know why, and you can't find happiness anywhere you look, grab a box of tissues and (pretend to ) chop an onion for a while. (Even if you are doing it in the privacy of your room with the door shut.)

(And it's probably a good idea to memorize the number of your local suicide hotline. You don't seem to be at the point where you need it yet, but I recognize that feeling you've described. You're getting close and it does sneak up. Don't wait until you have a plan to hurt yourself. If the thought of hurting yourself even crosses your mind, call that number. (1-800 SUICIDE in Virginia. I don't know if it's the same in New York.) And if you realize that you have a plan, call 911.)

(You can also Google "Free Mental Health services" and possibly find a clinic in your area where you can get help with your depression. Sometimes it has a physical cause, and getting your brain chemistry back on track can do wonders. And even if yours is entirely psychological, professional help would be good for you.)

I am Ghost. My husband is sidneydoj. I post, he downloads, and I wanted to keep my post count.
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#18 Old 31st May 2016 at 3:53 AM
Quote: Originally posted by Ghost sdoj
And it's probably a good idea to memorize the number of your local suicide hotline. You don't seem to be at the point where you need it yet, but I recognize that feeling you've described.
Honestly I've wished I was dead many times, but I could never kill myself. I may be in a horrible place right now but I just couldn't do that to myself. Plus I'm afraid of dying, and honestly just the thought frightens me. It's almost like a Jekyll & Hyde thing with me right now, except instead of one side being evil it's depressed. Right now I'm feeling pretty good and feel more like myself, but in the blink of an eye that depression can kick in and turn me into someone I don't want to be.
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#19 Old 31st May 2016 at 12:02 PM
OK. When you start wishing you were dead, that IS suicidal depression. You are still able to remember that the feeling will not last, and you are still able to fight (or at least ignore) the desire until it goes away, but you do need to find and memorize that number for the suicide hotline. When thoughts like that are trying to run through your head, the last thing you need is to be alone with them. Drown them out with music, exercise, bubbles, and anything else that works, and remember that "I've been wishing I was dead" is a good reason to find someone to talk to who understands. And that talk needs to be more in real-time than forum posts generally are. (I doubt that Robin Williams ever thought he would really kill himself until he actually went through with it.) The suicide hotline is another tool for your tool kit. It's someone to talk to when nobody else is available, and the person on the other end of the line is trained to help. You may have enough of a support network that you don't need it. But memorize the number anyway, for emergencies when nobody else is around.

(Will you be offended if I pray for you?)

I am Ghost. My husband is sidneydoj. I post, he downloads, and I wanted to keep my post count.
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#20 Old 31st May 2016 at 6:27 PM
Don't worry there is absolutely no way, ever, that I would be willing to kill myself. Sure I've wished I was dead, but not once have I ever thought about killing myself. Even if I wanted to I don't think I could do it anyway. Plus those thoughts of wanting to be dead haven't crept into my head in quite a while. And I may not be religious but I wouldn't be offended if you prayed for me.
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#21 Old 31st May 2016 at 9:18 PM
I'm sorry. You were describing the same kinds of thoughts I was having while I was on Keppra, and which I had been warned to take seriously if they ever turned up between appointments with my therapist so I went into panic mode. If they have shut up now, you've made some progress.

(Side note: isn't it weird how someone who has to worry about having their brain misfiring and causing seizures is never told "Get over it! It's all in your head!" but someone who has to worry about their brain misfiring and causing weird thought patterns always hears that?)

And I will be praying for you.

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#22 Old 31st May 2016 at 9:25 PM
Even when I was having the thoughts of wanting to die I never had any thoughts of ever taking my own life. Things may really suck, but I just could never kill myself regardless of the situation. To me suicide is the cowards way to end your problems.
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#23 Old 1st Jun 2016 at 2:10 AM
Then I'll just send you a virtual hug and hope you can find a few real ones.

(And I'll keep praying for you.)

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#24 Old 1st Jun 2016 at 2:16 AM Last edited by haywud : 2nd Jun 2016 at 3:41 AM.
Thanks. I've been able to block out most of my negative thoughts today, though one seems to creep in no matter what. Hopefully I can get over it.

Edit: Well I broke down again. I wanna say something to my parents so bad, but no matter how much I want to I can't seem to find the courage. My mom knows something is wrong, but since I have a history of stomach problems she probably assumes that's whats wrong since I'm hardly eating anything. I know I won't get any help if I don't speak up, but I'm so afraid.
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