Hello, so I was just wondering if anyone on here has ever been stood up on a date, and what you did about it? Did you tell the person off for standing you up, or just drop them altogether?

I had been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks, he seemed serious about me at first, saying sweet things, messaging me a lot, he introduced me to his best friends, boss and work friends, and was making plans with me for next month.

Then he stood me up for our 3rd date. We arranged it the day before, and agreed a place and a time. I waited for about 20 minutes, then rang him to see where he was. His phone was turned off. I then sent him a facebook message asking where he was. I was there another 20 minutes (waiting for my taxi home), no word from him.

I was furious (I've never been stood up before), so when I got home I unfriended him off facebook.

An hour and a bit later (an hour and a half after I had tried to get hold of him), he sent me a message apologising, saying he didn't know if we were still meeting or not. I haven't replied.

Why did he apologise?

I don't think he is genuine for a few reasons:
1. It was very clear we had plans. I have read the messages back and there is no room for doubt.
2. If he wasn't sure, then he could have asked me.
3. The fact that his phone was turned off, makes me think that he stood me up on purpose.
4. His apology didn't seem sincere.
5. He didn't mention making it up to me, or even try to make other plans.

I am leaving him alone now. I have not replied to his apology, and don't intend to. I did consider sending an angry message back, but I think it would just make me look bad.

If he makes more effort and tries to apologise again, I might consider giving him another chance (on my terms). But if not then he has blown it.

I am upset, because I really liked him. But he crossed the line.

Am I being too harsh? (I don't think I am, but would like to hear what people think)

Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do?

Have you ever stood someone up, and why did you do it?

1. He's an idiot.
2. If he had asked, he wouldn't have the chance to "apologise".
3. I'm sure it was turned off on purpose (I don't want to repeat myself, so the explanation under 5)
4. Bastard.
5. I kinda think he's got low selfesteem and only feels like he's worth something when tons of girls try to date him. So he tries to gather as many girls around him as possible, gives them some sugar, shows them off to his friends just to be able to say that these girls, for which of course he's waaaaayyyy to gooood, all want him.

I know these kind of guys. I've never been stood up like that so far (at least not in a non-professional way), but there were guys I had a few dates with and who all of a sudden were too busy. That's dishonest. If he comes crawling back to you, just tell him you're not interested. In this case I think a little dishonesty is ok, tell him you met somebody and see what his reaction will be like He tried to play with you, but then it's your time to play.

The reason you turn your phone off is so someone can't reach you. He turned it off at the pre-arranged time. Stinks of trying to inflate his value and messing with you.

Chax - Thanks, I wouldn't say I know him that well. The first night we met, we spent about 3 hours together, 1st date was about 5 hours, 2nd date was about 9 hours. He messaged me most days, chatting back and forth. I liked him a lot, I was smitten, but am feeling angry and hurt now.

I have no idea about the phone. He has no money at all, so he messages me using Facebook Messenger, as it's free. I have never rung him before. I've never seen it turned off when we were together, although obviously it was mostly in his pocket, except for when he put music on with it etc.

We had agreed on a place and a time, he had said "Sounds good" and I had said "See you tomorrow". He does smoke weed, but I don't think that's an excuse.

The message was "Sorry, I didn't know if we were still meeting or not xx"

I do know what you mean, and the thought of losing him over a misunderstanding makes me sad, but the thought of letting him mess me about and make me more unhappy makes me angry, and makes me feel stupid.

I did wonder about just asking why he was confused, and why his phone was off. I can't think of a way to phrase it to sound non-threatening and make him want to answer though.

If I answered the apology, and he didn't answer, I'd feel worse. I kind of think sometimes that I give up on men early, because I am more scared of him thinking I'm clingy and desperate than I am of the pain of letting him go, if that makes sense? A guy humiliated me in public over that a few years ago, and it still makes me feel sick to think of it.

You are helpful, I appreciate different points of view. Considering I'm in my thirties, and have had a fairly active love life, and read lots of books and articles about dating, I still feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.

Flauschange - Thank you. 1. People keep telling me he's an idiot, but I feel like the idiot because I still care about him, and am gutted to lose him. I was so excited to think I'd met a decent guy for once.

2. Do you mean so that he can keep me hanging on without actually meeting up?

3. Yeah, I am to be honest. I can't think of a good reason, it would be way too big of a coincidence to believe

4. Thank you

5. I was confused about him introducing me to his friends and colleagues (including his boss), because if it was me I'd feel embarrassed if they asked "How's it going with..........." and he has to come up with something. He might have low confidence, as he told me his boss said something about "punching above your weight there", and he seemed surprised that I fancied him.

I've had men avoid making plans before, or cancelling, but I've never been stood up before. It's so rude and inconsiderate, especially as I got all excited about seeing him, spent time getting ready, and had to pay for taxis there and back. Also it was really embarrassing.

Shoosh Malooka - Thanks. I never have my phone turned off, even at night. I do forget to charge it sometimes, and it dies, but if I was going somewhere I was excited about, like a date, I would make sure.

I'd love more opinions if anyone else is reading this! Thanks

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Hell, just break it off. He sounds like a dick, he made it clear to you that he stood you up. Don't give him another chance, that'll just make it hurt more. By the way, what was his excuse or did he even have a valid one?

Devil's Advocate: My phone turns off all the time because of the way the case presses against the buttons when the corner slips a bit, which is very common.

This guy's probably just an asshole, but for my phone I've had to do things like fix really serious business problems in backpedal mode because of this case thing because people imagine exactly what you are, that there's no reason for a phone to be off except because of intent. Technology sometimes just screws up.

Not in this case likely, but sometimes.

He sounds like an asshole.
He put you through a very humiliating and infuriating experience. Then he gives you a weak, lame-ass apology. If it were me, and I truly forgot, I would apologize profusely and beg for you to not give up on me and plan another time to meet. In fact, if I were planning to get together with someone I cared about or am excited about, I find it extremely unlikely I could even forget it as it would be always at the top of my mind.

Being completely unreachable at that time also seems rather suspect. I would say your instincts are correct on this one.

A pot head with no money. Makes me think of that "No Scrubs" song by TLC. Maybe it's time to throw this one back and keep on fishin'.

Chinchilla Jesus - Thanks. His excuse was not at all valid. He said: "Sorry, I didn't know if we were still meeting or not xx"

In terms of breaking it off, do you think I really need to say anything?. I haven't replied to his apology, partly to give him the chance to actually make an effort and apologise again, which I think he would if he was genuine.

I did think about messaging him something saying that I don't believe him, and that I don't want to be messed about, so we are over. But I think he already knows that. I would never dream of 'ghosting' someone that I was dating, but I think this is a different situation, he knows exactly what he did wrong, and I think he will take my silence to mean that he blew it.

Mistermook - Thanks, I know that things like that can happen. I don't think that is the case here. I'm not sure how accurate it is, but the little side bar on the right of the messages page on facebook showed him as being online a few times earlier that day. Then as I said, he messaged me on facebook after standing me up, but via his mobile (as he always did). So I think it's highly unlikely that his phone died for the exact couple of hours when we were supposed to meet.

Chax - Thanks. I don't think he's a huge pot smoker. He only did it once in front of me, and it wasn't much from the smell. I wouldn't write someone off for being broke or a pot smoker, life is hard.

My ex-husband (a good man) smoked pot, but he didn't do it at home, just as a social thing when at a friend's party etc. and I was usually drunk those times anyway.

Also the economy is so bad here that most people are struggling. I'm quite broke myself. I think the difference is that I would view a date as a high priority, and cut back somewhere else instead (such as not buying a new handbag etc.) Also, I was willing to make things easier for him, such as going halves on dates, going somewhere less expensive, meeting him after work, meeting for a couple of hours in the daytime instead of a big date with lots of drinks, etc. I just wanted to spend time with him, I wasn't fussy how.

Yes. And obviously he messaged me a lot too, he would just message me on and off all day, most days. I am very upset, enough to cry over it, and I know that I still will be for probably at least a month. Part of it is that I thought I had finally met a decent guy, that I was actually attracted to, and seemed to feel the same way. No, I'm in my mid-thirties. I haven't only had bad experiences with men, I have had a lot of very good relationships too.

You don't sound judgemental, but let me explain a bit why I am so upset. I don't really believe in astrology, but I am a typical Scorpio in many ways, mostly that I am very passionate when it comes to romance/dating. I am also very intense with my emotions generally, I tend to either love things or hate them, not just when dating, but any area of life. It's quite rare for me to find a man that I actually fancy (yes this is the second one this year, but that must be a fluke or something!), so when I do, and he seems to be very into me and like he might be boyfriend material, then I get infatuated with him quite quickly. I love kissing, I love being told sweet things, I love flirting and generally being on a date with someone that I'm really into. So I tend to get swept away with the romance of it all. I have experienced love at first sight twice, once was my ex-husband, and once was an ex-boyfriend. I have always been this way, and I think I always will, I can't change it.

I can't help the way I feel, but I don't see it as a bad thing. And I'm always careful to never let them know how I feel, I play it quite cool, don't over text etc. I do get hurt sometimes, but if it works out then it's worth the risk. If I'm not excited about someone, then I tend to get bored and dump them. I have tried giving men I wasn't really into a chance before (on the advice of friends), but I just ended up hurting them, and I felt really bad about it. Hope all that makes more sense!

It will take me a while to get over it, and in my heart I want to give him another chance, but I know that he doesn't deserve one. I don't want to be with someone who isn't into me the way I am into them.

GnatGoSplat - Thanks, that's what I thought too. You're the same as me, if I had accidentally stood someone up I would be mortified, and trying to make amends. Exactly, I was so excited about seeing him, I was thinking about it all day.

I wasn't going to actually tell him that it's over. I thought it was kind of obvious. What do you guys think?

Also the apology has me confused. Why bother if you don't mean it?

Phones can also turn off if they have run out of charge, or if you haven't gotten new minutes for that month yet.(which runs from the day you first put minutes on it to 30 days later, so the "month" can end on the 19th.) And if you are on a pay by the month plan, the new minutes come as soon as you get enough money to add them.

So what, exactly, happened that might cause him to wonder if you were still going out? Storm warnings? New episode of your favorite show on tv? Expected you to meet somewhere else and got confused when you weren't there? Yes, that's a weak excuse, but if you're going to make something up you generally go with something more believable like "my car broke down."

I suspect that he really did stand you up by accident, but I can understand your decision to end it.
But anybody who has trouble understanding that "Ok, I'll see you tomorrow" means that you actually expect to get together tomorrow is not likely to understand a long silence as meaning that it's over.

Edit: I would give him a second chance, because I'm sort of required to. But I wouldn't expect much from it.

Hi, thank for answering. I did consider the phone not being charged. I don't know how often he tops it up, as he always messaged me using facebook on his phone, which is free. But as he has no money I suspect he doesn't top it up much.

The reason I think he deliberately turned it off, is that facebook showed him as being online shortly before we were due to meet (and several times before that, through the day). I am assuming that he was on via his phone, as that is what he usually does - I don't even know if he has a computer. Then the apology was sent almost 2 hours after we were due to meet. Which would mean that the phone was turned off for a period of 2-3 hours at the most.

If he had run out of charge, or credit, I would have expected it to be off for a longer period of time, such as all day.

As for why he got confused, the weather was sunny. He doesn't have a car, and the place where we were due to meet is walking distance for him, and a place that he knows and likes. So I have no idea.

He does normally send me sweet little messages before a date, such as "Can't wait to see you later gorgeous" etc. and he didn't - but after only having been on a couple of dates before it's kind of difficult to look for patterns.

I did actually delete him off facebook, when I got home after being stood up (As I was thinking it's over and didn't want to see his stuff in my news feed), so he might have noticed that, if he hasn't noticed the silence. He can still send me messages though, I haven't blocked him.

As a bit of background, I kind of wondered if he was going off me, I hadn't heard from him for 5 days beforehand, but his last message was mushy, and I know that he was working 12 hour shifts, as he was trying to get promoted. So I messaged him and suggested meeting, and when he seemed keen I was a bit surprised. But then when he stood me up I felt like I was right about him going off me.

The trouble is that I do really like him and don't want to lose him, but I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me. I would be willing to give him a second chance, if I thought that he actually wanted one.

I think what I am most worried about is that if he was going off me, and did stand me up on purpose, as a way of dumping me or something, and then I accept his apology and message him back, that he might not reply to me, and then I'd feel even more rejected.

I also don't know what to say. I was thinking that if I do answer, I would ask him why he got confused, and why his phone was turned off. But it's difficult to say that and not sound angry. What would you recommend saying?

I'm going on holiday on saturday, and won't have phone or internet for a week, after which point I feel like it would be too late to message him.

Always give someone one chance to redeem themselves as there can be all sorts of honest reasons why someone doesn't follow through with what they say they will do.

He apologised and his reason for missing the date could be true, but by apologising he acknowledged that he did the wrong thing and so he is aware that he needs to make it up to you. If he doesn't try to do that then he's not interested.

If he only contacts you via phone within limited time periods then it makes me think he is seeing someone else, or quite possibly living with someone else.

If I we're you I wouldn't engage anymore in this relationship. I would give him a second chance though if he really showed that he wanted it but I would still be slightly skeptical for a while

I would tell him that if he wanted a second chance, he's got it. Don't blow this one. And, just to reduce the chances of any further mix-ups, he can explain what caused him to think that you might not be going out?

And then I would completely forget about it unless he responds.

(And my phone has been out of minutes for just long enough to get a new card added to it, so while it is somewhat suspicious that his phone was off for 2-3 hours, it's still possible. )

If he stands you up again, then even with a second apology I would tell him that you can be friends but trying to date seems to just cause trouble.
And if he doesn't respond within a day or two, forget him until he has grown up a bit more. Or until you have found someone else and can forget him completely.

I would kill him and feed his body to pigs. Not really, of course. I wouldn't give two farts about how anyone I'd known just a short time like this treated me, and in any case I don't have normal emotional reactions to this kind of stuff anyways. I mean I'd only feed someone to the pigs to warn off others for disrespecting me, not because I'm ever really invested in other people because of sexual politics. Humans are assholes, I'm always more surprised when they overcome than succumb?

Find a nice guy who has a car and who isn't a dick, that's my advice.

Hi guys, thanks for all the help.

So just to update you all, I messaged him about lunchtime. I just thanked him for apologising, and asked why he was confused that we were meeting up. I wasn't expecting an answer to be honest, but he answered me straight away.

He said that he was confused about the time we were meeting, he didn't think we had set a time, he fell asleep until late, and he didn't know whether to message me or not to ask me. He the apologised again. He has missed bits of information from messages before, so I think maybe sometimes he is just dozy or doesn't read things properly. Also someone else I asked did say that I could have confirmed our plans - I never normally bother so I suppose it is a fair point. I said that he could have asked, and that his phone was turned off when I rang. He said sorry and he has been having problems with the phone dying, and that he is getting a new one soon. His phone is really old and knackered so maybe. He said that he hopes that I can forgive him, and that he will take me out after I get back off holiday to make up for it. This is kind of what I wanted to hear in the original apology, so better than nothing. I said that would be nice, he seemed pleased, and then we just chatted for a bit.

I know it might sound stupid but I think I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt for now. Whether I can put up with someone this flaky remains to be seen, but I will watch him and see what he does from now on - for example if he doesn't take me out then I will probably drop him.

But for now I'm just going to enjoy the holiday. I'm off to pack!

simbalena - Thanks. I don't think he is seeing anyone else. He is so open with me that I don't think he's hiding anything, for example he always tells me when he is working etc. I've met his boss and colleagues, and know where he works, so if I was like that (I'm not) I could easily check. When we first met, he added me on facebook and I had a really good snoop. I know that he could be putting on an act, but he seems like a nice man, who cares about his friends, and seemed to treat his ex well. I don't think he is a player, the issue I have is whether he is actually interested in me enough for it to be worth it on my part. He doesn't only contact me during limited time periods, he contacts me all different times of the day, even when he is supposed to be working (he gets bored if it's quiet). Maybe I haven't explained properly, but he uses facebook messenger (app installed on his phone) instead of texting - so every time he has messaged me, he is on his phone, just via facebook, as it is free to use instead of paying for texts.

ZenGarden - Yeah, thanks, that's what I was thinking. I want to give him a chance, but will be keeping my eyes open.

Ghost sdoj - Thanks, that was the plan, sadly I beat you to it so have already had the conversation! I didn't mention the second chance thing as I was originally just asking to get an answer, maybe I'll slip it into conversation if we do go out. I really didn't expect him to answer at all, so it took me off guard when he did, and it was immediate so maybe he did feel bad.

The phone thing is a bit dodgy, but he does usually message me whilst he is working, so it is plausible that it could be plugged in at those times. When he took me to meet his best friends, he plugged it in as soon as he got there, and used it plugged in.

Yeah, I wasn't even going to give him this chance, so if he messes up again it's over. I'll be keeping an eye on him, but then on the other hand I don't want to be paranoid, demanding or breathing down his neck either, so I'll just have to make mental notes. The event he had originally planned for us is after I get back, so whether or not he sticks to that might tell me something.

Mistermook - Thanks, but I don't care if he has a car or not. Not being a dick is definitely on my list of requirements! Yes I've only known him a short time, but the fact that I do actually care a bit about him is why he's getting a second chance. Feelings are odd, but even having said that, he is on his last chance now, I'm not a doormat. If anything I think I've been too harsh in the past.