OK, all you have to do post random funny phrases or jokes that you think are funny. I'll start: *points to siggy*

my friend said this once:
"Oh F***! It's Mrs. Murphy! She knows we're gay now Izzy! Quick! Let's Speak In Rapid Fluent confusing japanindontalianneseian!"
(she isn't gay, she did swear, it was in yr 6, and i think i may have missed out a few syllables in the made up language)

and my brother frequently says to me:
"Turn down the music you dumb nerdy smarty-pants"

Blonde moment #729

Blonde: What does "IDK" means?
Brunette: I Don't Know
Blonde: OMG... No one knows!



Some people worry that they left the stove on
I worry about the zombie uprising

I called you boyfriend metro, and he hit me with his purse!

4 girls trapped on an island blonde brunette redhead and... blackhead? :p
Redhead swims quarter to the shore, drowns. Blackhead swims halfway to the shore, drowns. Redhead swims 3 quarters of the way to shore, drowns. Blonde swims halfway to the shore, gets too tired, and swims back.


lol that's not the best you may not get it. It just popped into my head. :p

It's better when I can tell it in real life, I love telling jokes. apparently I make really weird faces and tell it good... :p

twilight-obsessed girl1: "Oh my GOD!"
twilight-obsessed girl2: "Oh my GOD what?"
Normal Girl1: "She saw another New Moon trailer"
Normal Girl 2: "Obviously. It's the only thing you two can get excited about"
twilight-obsessed girl 1: "I got excited about Twilight trailers as well!"
Normal Girl 2: "Of Course"
twilight-obsessed girl2: "So what was the trailer like?"
twilight-obsessed girl 1: "they kissed again! it was just like exactly the same as the other one! SOOOOOOOO GOOD!"
Normal Girl 3: "Do you really need to scream because they re-released the same one?"
twilight-obsessed girl2: "YES! IT IS SO AWESOME, MORE NEW THINGS TO WATCH!"

did i mention twilight-obsessed girl2 is blonde?

I'll post a few things a bot in an IRC Chat I go to has said :
<Mariobot> He extremely want Swimming Pool
<Mariobot> I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
<Mariobot> We extremely want Festival

That actually sounds like some of my friends sometimes. Two of them are twilight-obsessed, me and the other two are normal but think twilight is OK.

And as for mine, I just caught sight of the shopping list

-Eggs
-Lawnmower
-Cheese
-Kitkats
-Dog Food
-Curtains
-Random chocolate
-Cheese (apparently my family have short-term memory loss and don't know that cheese is already on the list)
-Lightbulbs
-Biscuits

Nice shopping list Candiiee...

Another one from my brother just before:
"I wanna go pat the rab- oh hi jasmine your getti- OH MY GOD THERES A GIANT PICKLE IN THE BACKSEAT!"

and funnilly enough we weren't in the car when he said that... we were standing outside the door while i unlocked it...

Rule # 13
If you see an angry chainsaw zombie coming after you, run for your life

Rose (One of my BF's): *screams*
Me:*Screams*
Rose:*Screams*
Me:*Screams*
Rose:*Screams*
Me: (shouting) WHY ARE WE SCREAMING?!
Rose: (shouting)I DUNNO U SCREAMED!
Me: NO, YOU SCREAMED SO I SCREAMED AND THEN WE BOTH STARTED SCREAMING!
Rose: BUT U STARTED IT!
Me:.........No.....I.....didn't.....
Rose: Oh. I thought u screamed.
Me: *bigeyes* there's something wrong with u.
Rose: *snort* No, seriously, I thought u screamed so I screamed so u screamed etc.

She's weird. How can u think someone screamed but they actually didnt?

All those twi-obsessed sound a bit like me

I was watching TV and this commercial for this sitcom came up. It went a bit like this . . . (picture a bedroom with a glass sliding door.)

Guy: *points to door* Once I step outside this door, you'll never see me again!
Lady: Fine! Then leave!
Guy: *steps outside door and closes it behind him* Goodbye! *sits down on lawnchair*
Lady: It's a glass door! I can still see you!
Guy: Stupid womanly logic . . .

Here's another one from Comedy Now! a few nights ago:

Lady: *is driving* Jane, calculate route to Stanley Park.
GPS: *calculating route* No possible route found.
Lady: Jane, re-calculate route to Stanley Park.
GPS: Recalculating route . . . Recalculating route . . . Recalculating route . . .
Lady: Hurry up!
GPS: RECALUCLATING ROUTE . . . RECALULATING ROUTE *nervous laugh* RECALCULATING ROUTE!!!!!!!! NO POSSIBLE ROUTE FOUND!!!! RECALCULATING ROUTE!!!!!!!! *manical cackling*
Lady: I think I'll just walk from here . . .

That is why GPS ladies are not allowed in my car. Ever.

Another one (commercial for Saputo, this dairy company. . . .):

Lady is arranging cheese platter.
Narrator: Enjoy Saputo's fine *lists off like 439 cheeses in 3 seconds flat* cheeses.
Lady sets platter down in front of Guy and tries to open the wine.
Narrator: They make any dinner memorable.
Cork goes flying and hits the guy smack between the lookers.
Lady: Saputo. For life's most memorable moments.
(Me: O.o)

And another *sighs with exhaustion* from my boyfriend:

Ever wonder how blondes remember their Passwords?

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy

When asked why such a big password, she said, "It had to be at least 8 characters long.

And another:

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."

The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!"

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting."

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!"

Get it?

- John!
- Yes, Sir?
- Do lemons have feathers?
- No, Sir.
- It means I squished the canary in my tea.

*

- John!
- Yes, Sir?
- Do caramels have legs?
- Err... no, Sir.
- It means I've been eating cockroaches again.

http://i839.photobucket.com/albums/...ient_Greece.jpg

Me: What the hell happened to you?
Zoe (my friend): Well...
Me: No, don't tell me you shook hands with Beth and she broke your wrist again...?
Zoe: No, actually...
*fire alarm goes off*
Zoe: Quick, get outside before we burn to death!!
*outside*
Chelsie (another friend): This is your new boyfriend! *points to weirdo*
Me: ...I think you missed it when I said I didn't fancy anyone.
Chelsie: Oh yeah, Beth had stuck her sandwich in my ear while you were saying that.

That's what happened this lunchtime.

There's a magician on a cruise ship. Every night, he does a magic show. The captain has a parrot. The parrot always ruins the tricks. Magician just hates this parrot. Boat hits an iceberg, everyone dies but the magician and the parrot. They sit on a floating piece of wood, and just shut up. Finally, after three days, parrots looks at the magician and says "Okay, I give up. Where's the damn ship?!?"

Don't hate me because I'm short. It's not my fault gravity prefers me.


"Quick! What's the number for 911?" "How am I supposed to know?"


I don't have ADD, I just do you like waffles??


333-I'm only half evil.

Im not short. I'm just unusually not tall

"There are three kinds of people in life: Those that can count, and those that can't"

"I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car."

"The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list."

"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak."

"Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't."

"If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?"

"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.."

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research."

My parents keep asking how school was. It's like saying. "how was that drive-by shooting?" You don't care how it was, you're lucky to get out alive.

If we go to school to learn, and knowledge is power and power is corrupt and corruption is crime and crime doesn't pay then why the hell do we go to school?!

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils ...

Worst excuse for not turning in homework: I couldn't find anyone to copy it from.

Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the world together.

These are actually quotes... but still

A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the bear," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you." (An oldie but a goodie)

Beth: So, Jess, where are you going on holiday?
Me: Barcelona, Sardinia, La Rochelle, Barcelona again then home.
Zoe: Oh, can I come?
Me: No, they don't let animals on the ship I'm afraid...

I still don't know how I managed to come up with that stroke of genious. I suppose it was partly thanks to the faux-fur coat Zoe was wearing...

There are two men in a drunken conversation in a pub at the top of a cliff. One says to the other "I bet I can jump off the cliff, and walk back up with no injuries. If I can, then you have to do it." The other guys says ok, and they go outside. He jumps off the cliff, and then a few minutes later, he walks back up. "Now it's your turn," he says. So the second guy jumps off the cliff and he dies. The first guy walks back into the pub, and the guy behind the bar says "You've got to stop doing that, Superman, I'm running out of customers!"