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#276
22nd Aug 2012 at 9:13 PM
Posts: 3,720
Thanks: 27209 in 66 Posts
Quote: Originally posted by Tamlyn
Hey Heaven, just checking - even if the site comes back up early, will the round still be going off the timer? Since that's what I've been going from! I found some mojo. Now I just need to find some scene building time... |
Now that the site is back up, I will be updating the timer to reflect the extra day so you'll still be able to use it. New TIMER
Heaven Sims | Avendale Legacy
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
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#277
23rd Aug 2012 at 12:03 AM
Posts: 22
Woo! You just love us don't you Heaven! All of these extensions are making me ecstatic.
#278
23rd Aug 2012 at 11:52 AM
Posts: 835
Thanks: 258 in 4 Posts
Ala: Seven Deadly Sins.
Play me - I will give you sweetness to listen to while this odd woman blabbers for a while Previosly – We met Ala who decided to tell us about her life as a Demon, then a wolf, girl, woman thing decided to follow her around, but she grew on her. It turns out Lottie was indeed her Guardian sworn to protect her. The her past come and bit her in the ass, forcing Ala to made decisions one would normally not wish on their enimies and here we are.
Reason – It is a voice in your head telling you things you should do, the basis or motive for an action, decision, or conviction. An underlying fact ot cause the provides logical sense for a premisis. What makes us choose these things? Who would really know, maybe it was god, if there even is one. In that crutial moment when you head starts to spin, and you realise the things you actually hold dear, even if they are the things people would not expect.
“WAIT.....” I squeeled.
Panic struck me as I looked on. Stalling stalling..... I didn't want to admit defeat, I though Lottie was going to magic her way here and save me, but it did not seem that was going to happen. Funny how even though you know someone for such a short time but learn to love them. I miss cuddling her as a dog and her perky attitude as a human. She made everything feel so safe, if even for a short while.
“I won't do it, you see.... he is not my child anymore then that man is my bond mate. It was lost so long ago. When they decided to hurt me, when I left I had nothing and I remain with nothing. So you can not use any of these demons lives to hurt me.” I stood my ground hoping that she was just threatening me, I did not want to loose my son under any curcomstances even if he was just a pawn in her silly little game.
“Silly little Ala, you do not understand. With drinking the blood from your son, you are bound to me. Not just bonded like you are with Master Hopeless over here.” She said as she gave Verne a little boot. He had now come to, and was looking rather pastey at the sight infront of him. “It will be like being stuck in that permanent circle … just ….. movable. Surely you can take some comfort knowing that you're mine.”
She then took the boys arm and bit into him, inducing an aweful pain right into my skull. Soon everything went dark and I was walking all alone down a path I had never seen before. I was in some kind of hall, with many doors.
“Hello?” I called as it echoed all the way down. I assume I was in some kind of dream state, everything had morphed, my clothes, my hair and the place I was in. I padded down the hall in bare feet, I heard the soft calls of a voice but I could not place them. I come to a door after a while and I stood in front of it. It had no sign of whatever was on the door, I placed my hand on there anyway.
“May the light be with me.” I whispered.
As I opened the door my heart got caught in my throat, the scene infront of me was my baby boy as a toddler. I just stood there as Verne was playing with the young red haired boy. Both of them were so full of life, but then I looked closer and it was'nt as nice as it seemed. Maire was standing in the back ground watching with a placid look on her face. It is nice to know that Verne actually got to know our son. If this is real that is, or is it just my subconcious playing tricks on me. I had enough, I closed that door and carried on down the hall, I could still hear the faint sound of someone calling me, it was still to far away to point to its were abouts.
I opened several doors along the way, one scene was of Marie teaching my son some kind of histories that I gathered “Good boy, Seth. Now tell me the english names of the curse. Gluttony, greed, wrath, pride.......”
“Are you sure that is correct hmmm? You know what happens when you make Mother upset hmm?” Marie purred to the child.
That made me so angry I slammed that door behind me. After that I ran, trying to find the voice but it seemed so far away. I missed several doors not wishing to know what was behind them.
The next one I come across was one different, I was in some place dark and heard a slight muttering in a sob. I could not make it out so I went in, and as I got half way across the room the door slammed on me. I jumped, it seemed as if the personal sobbing could not here it, or me. As I neared the person I realised it was Verne, he looked so defeated. He was actually praying......
“Please give me back Ala so I have the streangth to save my son, so save us all. I really cannot do this alone. I am so sorry I put her throught this, but it was not my fault, I did not want it either. I can't stop it PLEASE GOD SAVE ME”
My body just wanted to take the man in my arms. Why did I not see the pain that I left him, he didn't want it after all, but I did not give him a chance.
Feeling defeated I walked back to the hall and the voice was stronger and I finally recognised it.
“Ala? Can you hear me?” Lottie called in her mystical voice. I boosted for it and finally I was at one last door. I opened it carefully not knowing if it was some trick.
When I walked through Lottie had me in her arms. “Oh my gosh, I was so hoping that this would work! I was so worried that I had no way through to you but she must have you in a protection circle right?”
I was taken back by this a little and just looked at her for a moment. “Yes” I finally answered.
“I wasn't sure I was going to get through, though this means you are passed out. The only way I can get in to help you is if you break the circle.” She explain still holding on to me.
“Well . . . . . . it seems to me your in. I also don't know how to break a circle.” I said frowning.
“You silly goose, were you not listening. Its in latin, what people of god call the 7 deadly sins. Remember when I told you them in the library???.
“Ohhhhhh.....” I said as it all come back to me, I explained to her everything that happened. “Maybe you're strong, but you don't stand a chance. Marie has bound me there is no way out, she is strong beyond belief.” I said, sad and broken.
“You don't know much about what I can do yet, just remember I love you no matter what happens.” She said tenderly, she leaned into me for a moment and I felt like I was floating, butterflies danced in my stomache. That moment when her soft lips touched mine, it felt like it was the only safe place in the world. Then BAM everything was black again.
Once I regain conciousness, I felt a heavy sense of magic over me. But I immediately new what I had to say.
I started to whisper fast “Luxuria, Gula, Avaritia, Acedia, Ira, Invidia, Superbia.”
Marie turned to look at me with shock in her face as the circle went down, and there was Lottie in dog form snarling at the vampries. Verne was on the ground with a passed out boy in his arms, he was lucky he got to know him, how much I yearned for that and now I had taken his life.
Current Plot Point: 7 deadly sins
Previous Plot Points:Move heaven and earth, Family secrets,The cake was a lie. Mind Over Matter.
Picture Count:13
Word Count:1310
CC Used: yes Allowed: no.
New things used, nothing really except for the Beautfiful PharaohHound made me some dawgie poses xxxxxx and oh some downloaded dresses Most of it is store stuff. I am terrible at remembering where stuff is from.
#279
24th Aug 2012 at 12:16 AM
Last edited by missroxor : 25th Aug 2012 at 9:41 PM.
Blood Red - Chapter 4
ETA: I’ve edited as much as I can with the time I have left so mine is ready for judging now Previously:
Jada Greene is the daughter of the Governor and also a member of the guard force employed to keep the Reds subdued and out of the city. When her father declares war on the Reds he sends out teams to strike the suspected Red camps. Jada, is accidentally shot and taken by Rurik to a makeshift Red hospital, deep within enemy territory. Olivia and Rurik from the red camp fail to convince Jada that she’s actually one of them and that her Father knows more than he’s letting on. Frustrated, Rurik forces Jada to confront her father’s handy work by taking her to the emergency room where the survivors of her father’s red raiders campaign have gathered. She’s shocked into realising that there might be some truth in what they said about her father and starts to question everything though the thought of being related to a red(or maybe even being one herself) is still too much for her to accept. Word gets out that the red raiders have decimated several Red camps and are due to reach the hospital imminently.
--------------
There are no weapons or shields, nor trained soldiers. No defences against the army thundering toward us. Why would there be, it’s a hospital? The military would never attack the weak and vulnerable. Just one of many beliefs I’ve taken for granted in my life. Yet here I am, having just helped evacuate those that could run, hide those that could not. The plan is for me to go ahead, try to intercept the Red Raiders who’re sure to have orders to bring me home safely. At most, my reappearance will allow them to go home without spilling more blood...at the very least it’ll buy the others more time to get away.
While Olivia tends the poorly, Rurik leads me outside. He walks with me longer than he should in awkward silence as if he’s resisting the inevitable good-bye. He’s really sold on this idea of us being related but I just don’t know what the hell to believe any more. Who knows what’s real or fake, good or evil? I sure as shit don’t! Just hours ago I was unconscious and completely oblivious to all of this. Mum was dead, Dad was... just Dad. I was an only child. We were good, they were bad: simple.
What if this all really is some psychotic plan to corrupt the governor’s daughter and infiltrate the government? What if Dad’s not evil? What if I go home and everything’s as it was as if it’s all been a lie; a big hideous misunderstanding? I smile at the thought then I remember the casualties: the blood and suffering... that was real. Real and wrong, this much I know. My conscience is the only thing I can be certain of anymore.
“You need to go, you can’t be with me when they find us”.
“No shit!” he smirks, “but I’ve been fighting Daddy dearest’s hired goons my whole life, I can handle myself!”
“You’re not even armed!” I remind him.
He grins like a cocky teenager, “I wasn’t armed when I took down your buddy and he had a gun pointing at me”.
“Get real, Rurik!” I scold. "Maybe you're strong, but you don't stand a chance. You’ll be massively outnumbered. Just do your Mum a favour and go before it’s too late!”
His eyes narrow on mine. “Our Mum. It’s nice to see you’ve decided to give a shit about us though.”
“Don’t flatter yourself! You’ve been nothing but an asshole to me; I really couldn’t care less what you do but there’s innocent people back there that need you.”
His eyes darken. “A bastard, huh? Nice farewell, sis!”, he spits.
I glower at him, “You know, genetic make-up aside, I refuse to believe I share a gene pool with a Neanderthal who lacks the basic intelligence and maturity to own his own emotions! You stomp around like a child; sulking and making snide remarks. Just say you hate me and be done with all the petty arguing!
“Should I suppress my emotions like you? Lock them away in that cold, dead vault you call a heart and become just another mindless drone following Daddy’s orders... would I live up to city standards then? Is that what it takes to have our savage status lifted: to be permitted to live?” He laughs in disgust, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, does it?”
His words cut deeper than I want to acknowledge and I’m all too aware that I’m straining to project an unaffected expression. Overly impulsive displaying of emotion is usually a trait attributed to Reds indicating weakness of mind. Being here has weakened me: once again I’m surprised and slightly alarmed to feel the unwelcome sting of threatening tears. I swallow hard and make to leave but he stops me.
“I don’t hate you”, he sounds almost sympathetic like he’s picked up on my hurt feelings. “This isn’t a jealousy thing either, Jada...” He looks off into the distance as he searches for the right words, brow furrowed in concentration “From a young age, even before Mum told me about you...I knew you were out there. I mean at first it was like ...like there was this emptiness: a black hole on the edge of my sub-conscious. I knew something was wrong but didn’t know what. Then one day, like seeing the insides of the black hole out the corner of my eye; I knew it was you; a sister...my twin. That’s what was missing and I knew my life wouldn’t be whole until you were part of it. I mean, I never knew you but from that day on I worried about you... I loved you.” A hint of bitterness creeps into his voice, “Meanwhile, you went about as Satan’s little princess, dedicating your life to learning how to kill me... You didn’t know”, he shakes his head slowly, “Jada, I abhor our biological father and your city. I despise what they’ve done to you, what they’ve made you believe. And a lot of the time I’m fucking furious with you! Going round in circles, trying to talk the brainwashed bullshit out of you is driving me nuts ...but I don’t hate you. I could never hate you.”
He’s waiting for a reaction but I’m completely dumbstruck; how am I supposed to respond to that? He searches my eyes as if he’ll find answers in them. I wither under the scrutiny knowing that I can’t tell him what he wants to hear. As I hang my head there’s a loud crack and a thud.
I jerk back in time to see Rurik’s body catapulted backwards with force before falling crumpled on the ground like an old rag. Gunfire! Oh shit, they’re here already! The blood drains from my face as I try to digest what’s happened. Rurik!? I scramble over to him willing him to be alive. Please, God, let him live! I cradle his lolling head. For the love of God, wake up! I feel the syrupy, moist patch of blood where my hand supports his back. Please, don’t die on me now! His body slumps to the ground as hands on the back of my shirt drag me off him, I’m kicking and thrashing, screaming his name.
“I never knew you but...I loved you”.
Words spoken just moments ago. Only now, faced with losing him do I recognise the truth in them. I couldn’t subdue my emotions or dam my tears if I tried; I’ve never felt anything this...big. Part of me is dying, I’m coming undone. Everything I was is a lie; everything I will ever be from now on is because of this man; my flesh and blood: my twin. I will him to wake up so I can tell him, ‘I know, I get it!’ But they don’t’ know: they don’t care. They’re dragging us apart.
Bundled into an armoured troop carrier, my hands have been bound on account of me “going feral”. I can still see soldiers running around outside through the back of the truck, I hear orders barked and weapons being cocked. My eyes dart around wildly, how can I stop this? Then I see Ray. “Please, you have to save him, he’s gonna die!”
He furrows his brow at me, “The Red? He kidnapped you and tried to kill me”.
“No you’ve got it wrong, he could’ve killed you but he didn’t! He saved my life!”
He lowers his voice and edges closer for privacy, “Jesus, Jada, will you listen to yourself? Get a grip or you’re gonna get yourself in serious trouble!”
He’s not listening! “But the people you’re attacking out there are innocent. They’re old people and babies, they’re harmless!”
Other soldiers are watching his response now. “Cpl Greene, we’re just following orders, you know the rules”, he says matter-of-factly.
“Ray” I plead, “Don’t do this! Look, I don’t know who made the rules but they’re wrong. This is wrong, all of it, please, you have to believe me!”
A flicker of sadness crosses his eyes as he says, “The orders have come from the Governor himself. His commands are in the best interest of the city. His rules must not be broken”.
I vaguely hear another soldier murmuring to Ray, “...gonna sedate her...calm her down till she gets home...”
Oh Christ, did I sound like Ray too? Are we all like this? There’s a sharp pinch on my upper arm.
If I were religious I’d be saying my prayers about now for It’ll take nothing short of a miracle to right all these wrongs committed in the name of ...of what? Purity, Superiority? The edges of my vision start to fray, thoughts become difficult to grasp. My head swoons toward the back of the truck in time to see the fireball that engulfs the hospital in the distance... The family I’ve only just found are gone. Before I let the darkness engulf me a whisper escapes my lips, “I love you too, Rurik”.
------------------
Heaven Help Us – This chapter starts with Jada feeling very uncertain of everything, especially her blood ties to Rurik and Olivia. The whole time she refuses to acknowledge their connection words like hell, Satan etc keep cropping up. This is intended to implant the idea that refusing to believe him is the wrong choice and will ultimately doom them both.
When Jada finally “sees the light” and accepts Rurik she’s thrown into a different kind of uncertainty that she can’t control but while the many references to god, Jesus, miracles etc are pleading they are intended to represent the idea that she is on the right path and that with a little faith comes hope. PS sorry for all the blasphemy if any of you are religious D:
Previous Plot Points: Beware the Nice Guy, Kidnapped, Evil Twin, Pride before a fall(Bonus)
Word Count: 1496
Pic Count: 14 (I was gonna do an extra for the first paragraph but I just ran out of time)
CC Used: Yes (allowed and not-allowed)
Hero Type: Chosen One
B]Effects Used:[/B]
All pics - Custom light intensity and colours. Fog Emitters (came with the Silent hill World)
Pic 2 – As this is intended to be a flashback I’ve given it a wider than normal border which by inverting my rectangular selection (feathered = 30px) and using the dodge/burn tool. IDK if that’s too much photoshopping but we’re allowed to do borders so I figured it’d be ok. I took a screen grab of my selection if you need evidence
Pic 14 – Is a meteor impact done using the fog emitter (I think it’s ep2meteorimpact but I can confirm later if needed).
When Jada finally “sees the light” and accepts Rurik she’s thrown into a different kind of uncertainty that she can’t control but while the many references to god, Jesus, miracles etc are pleading they are intended to represent the idea that she is on the right path and that with a little faith comes hope. PS sorry for all the blasphemy if any of you are religious D:
Previous Plot Points: Beware the Nice Guy, Kidnapped, Evil Twin, Pride before a fall(Bonus)
Word Count: 1496
Pic Count: 14 (I was gonna do an extra for the first paragraph but I just ran out of time)
CC Used: Yes (allowed and not-allowed)
Hero Type: Chosen One
B]Effects Used:[/B]
All pics - Custom light intensity and colours. Fog Emitters (came with the Silent hill World)
Pic 2 – As this is intended to be a flashback I’ve given it a wider than normal border which by inverting my rectangular selection (feathered = 30px) and using the dodge/burn tool. IDK if that’s too much photoshopping but we’re allowed to do borders so I figured it’d be ok. I took a screen grab of my selection if you need evidence
Pic 14 – Is a meteor impact done using the fog emitter (I think it’s ep2meteorimpact but I can confirm later if needed).
#280
24th Aug 2012 at 11:41 PM
Kylara was adopted in a blood ritual by Lord Alfric, who woke her up one night saying that she needed to help him recover "the Crown of the Master" before Professor Greymane could use her classmates as spell-fodder to bypass the traps around it. He dragged her back through time, gave her some (very) expendable clothing, and led her into the cave where it was. He then revealed that she was actually there to rescue him before he died in the cave. She balked, the living version gave her the artifact, and she discovered that the ritual was transforming her.
Kylara couldn't decide whether she was more outraged or frightened. "You're turning me into a DEMON!" she shouted. The ghost looked at the living man.
"That was a brilliant idea there," he said sarcastically. "Give her the Crown so she can see the truth."
"Well, we seem to have a great record of brilliant ideas, if she is objecting to her adoption now," the living Lord Alfric replied. He turned to Kylara. "Are you certain that this is the best time or place to be arguing about this?"
She glared at him. Are you saying that I should just carry on as if nothing really matters?
"No, But I -am- suggesting that you might prefer to continue this in a place which has access to minor amenities such as food, water, and sanitary facilities."
Why did he have to mention that?! she thought bitterly.
Seeing the look on her face, he pointed to one of the loose rocks. "That one incinerates whatever touches it, and is fairly close to the air hole. If you are careful, and can put up with an awful stench for a few hours, it works."
Kylara sighed and made use of the rock. When she returned she asked him why he didn't just conjure food and water for himself. He laughed. "There are two reasons. First, I'm too weak right now. If I were to use much magic, I would be drawing energy from my physical body. And more importantly, that spell hasn't been invented yet." He smiled at her. "Although I hear that you have managed it. I suppose now that you are here we could survive together in this cave for the next 400 years. "
Kylara wrinkled her nose. "You really weren't joking about the smell," she commented. "I'm still not sure that I'm keen on rescuing you, but I'm not willing to put up with that stench if I don't have to. If I rescue you, can I get your promise that you will not turn me into a demon when you meet me in the future?"
He shook his head. "Unlikely. Do you remember anything in the ritual about being my daughter now and forevermore?" She nodded. "At the moment you are half human, 1/4 elf, and 1/4 demon. If I don't adopt you with the ritual, the time stream is likely to adjust by making me have a one-night stand with someone who will become your mother, and the only woman who is likely to have me is a succubus. You will still be my daughter, but you would be even more demonic. Now, would you like to get us out of here, or shall we continue discussing things a while longer?"
"So how do we get out?" she said reluctantly.
"The only way that I know of is to disarm the rest of the traps to prevent any nasty surprises from dropping onto our heads, and then trigger the one that drops us into the underground river. But if you think that you can manage to remove that boulder from the entrance, it would be much more convenient. It was designed to be impossible, but from what my ghost has mentioned, "impossible" is not a word to use lightly around you. If you think that you can remove that boulder, I won't argue."
"It wasn't there when we came in, and it feels like it's only half there now. How did it get there?"
"It was enchanted to be non-existant from the outside, and immune to magic from the inside." the ghost replied.
"So what if we were to strengthen ourselves, and then just turn the thing around?" she wondered.
Lord Alfric shook his head. "It is contiguous with the cave floor from this side."
"Is the floor immune to magic?" she asked curiously.
"Yes. Only the traps are affected."
She thought for a few minutes. "Can traps be moved?"
The ghost began to fade as the living man slowly nodded. "I believe so."
She grinned. "Then why not move the trap you mentioned that drops us into the underground river so that it drops the boulder instead?"
He groaned. "I cannot believe that I never thought of that! I suppose being too close to the problem blinds you to some of the possiblilties. Of course, I'm probably too weak to manage that, either."
The ghost completely vanished.
"Where did he go?" she asked suspiciously.
"Apparently I never died." He smiled at her. "Thank you."
There was a burst of magic in the air once they had escaped. He wavered between being a ghost and being alive for a moment, and then solidified again. He smiled. "Paradox resolved." He pointed to a small forest along the coastline nearby. "There is a cabin in that woodland where we can find food and shelter. There is no bed, but there are a few very comfortable sofas. Or you can go back to your own time, if you prefer."
"Later. I think you still owe me an explanation. And an apology."
He nodded, and led the way to the cabin. It was late in the morning when they finally arrived. No-one was there, and it looked as though it had been empty for a while.
After a late breakfast, she sat down on one of the couches. "What is happening to me?"
He sat down beside her. "You are becoming what you would have been if you had been born as my daughter from someone with your genetic makeup. Fortunately your hairstyle hides your ears; they are most likely pointed now. And you will find that your lifespan is much longer than it once would have been. You will need to find ways to disguise that fact if you wish to continue to live among humans. But the biggest change is likely to be in your ability to use magic. Humans have a much more limited ability to store magical energy within themselves, and cannot simply shape it without spells to focus it. Elves can focus it by will alone, and a demon's own physical form is a magical construct. You should be able to access all three methods, at least to some degree.
"How much longer am I going to live?" she wondered.
"It is difficult to be certain, but I would suspect a minimum of a milennium or two. Assuming, of course, that you are careful. You can still be killed. It is also possible that you could simply live as long as you choose to live."
She thought about that for a few minutes. "I could be immortal?"
"Possibly."
"That means I will outlive my friends, doesn't it?"
He simply nodded.
"And their children. And grandchildren. And everybody." She began to cry.
"Now I think you understand why I did this." he commented.
"What! You wanted to torture me?" She stood up, and looked around for something to throw at him.
"Do you really think I wanted to outlive my daughter?" he asked gently. "I grew up in Hell, with a demon for a mother. I never really belonged among the elves, and I never wanted to belong among the demons. You've seen how well my friendships turned out. "
"So you did the same thing to me?"
" "Surely you can take some comfort knowing that you're mine," he said softly. "You will not outlive me, any more than I will outlive you."
"Let me think about it." she said slowly. "It's starting to get late."
The next morning she was awakened by a crashing noise outside. He was gone. When she cautiously peered out the window, she saw him next to a pile of large rocks. He was methodically placing one after the other between two pylons and smashing them with his hand. There was dried blood down the pylons, although he didn't seem to be bleeding.
"What are you doing?" she asked him.
"Only thing I'm good at." he replied curtly. He saw her looking at the blood. "Mine, from long ago. I improved. Let me get dressed, and then we need to talk again."
While he was changing, she went to the mirror and looked at her pointed ears. She still wasn't sure if she liked all of the implications, but it wasn't as bad as she had been afraid it was. When he came out of the bathroom, she hopefully checked to see if he had any better clothes. He didn't. She reluctantly showered and put the old outfit back on. He had breakfast ready when she came out.
Over breakfast he told her "I have two things to say to you. One which you want to hear, and one which you probably do not want to hear.
First; Greymane is my brother. You are going to need my help to defeat him. You have the talent, but not the experience, and spending 400 years training you will age you enough to eliminate any chance to surprise him. The paradox of meeting myself was resolved by making me remember the entire time I was a ghost. I am the same Lord Alfric who brought you back in time, and I still have some of the power from the Crown. If you let me, I can hide myself within you, and we can work together. I give you my word that I will not do anything that you do not allow, and you are able to kick me out if I break my word. And if you forbid it, I will not even try. The Crown will give you warning. I expect no answer now. I will consider myself forbidden until you say otherwise."
He got up from the table. "I also owe you an apology for the times that I took you over without permission. I was treating you as a child, and you are much more than that."
She thought for a while. "Thank you. I am not happy about the way you treated me, but I'm willing to let you earn my trust. We still have Greymane to deal with, after all. I may want every advantage I can get."
Current Events: Mysterious Past
Previous Events: Makeover, Time Travel, Finding Judas, Kidnapped
Word Count: 1693
CC Used: Legend Isles Lyonesse world by Sookielee, Cmar's ear sliders, Euphoria skin by Fawkes
(Note: the picture of the ghost fading out was taken by using move objects to stick him onto a corner square. It is not Photoshopped. I have a top-down picture of the cave with that scene here http://www.modyourpanties.com/hosti...120824182239Top Down.jpg if you wish proof.)
I am Ghost. My husband is sidneydoj. I post, he downloads, and I wanted to keep my post count.
Group for Avatar Makers* Funny Stories *2017 Yearbook
Kylara couldn't decide whether she was more outraged or frightened. "You're turning me into a DEMON!" she shouted. The ghost looked at the living man.
"That was a brilliant idea there," he said sarcastically. "Give her the Crown so she can see the truth."
"Well, we seem to have a great record of brilliant ideas, if she is objecting to her adoption now," the living Lord Alfric replied. He turned to Kylara. "Are you certain that this is the best time or place to be arguing about this?"
She glared at him. Are you saying that I should just carry on as if nothing really matters?
"No, But I -am- suggesting that you might prefer to continue this in a place which has access to minor amenities such as food, water, and sanitary facilities."
Why did he have to mention that?! she thought bitterly.
Seeing the look on her face, he pointed to one of the loose rocks. "That one incinerates whatever touches it, and is fairly close to the air hole. If you are careful, and can put up with an awful stench for a few hours, it works."
Kylara sighed and made use of the rock. When she returned she asked him why he didn't just conjure food and water for himself. He laughed. "There are two reasons. First, I'm too weak right now. If I were to use much magic, I would be drawing energy from my physical body. And more importantly, that spell hasn't been invented yet." He smiled at her. "Although I hear that you have managed it. I suppose now that you are here we could survive together in this cave for the next 400 years. "
Kylara wrinkled her nose. "You really weren't joking about the smell," she commented. "I'm still not sure that I'm keen on rescuing you, but I'm not willing to put up with that stench if I don't have to. If I rescue you, can I get your promise that you will not turn me into a demon when you meet me in the future?"
He shook his head. "Unlikely. Do you remember anything in the ritual about being my daughter now and forevermore?" She nodded. "At the moment you are half human, 1/4 elf, and 1/4 demon. If I don't adopt you with the ritual, the time stream is likely to adjust by making me have a one-night stand with someone who will become your mother, and the only woman who is likely to have me is a succubus. You will still be my daughter, but you would be even more demonic. Now, would you like to get us out of here, or shall we continue discussing things a while longer?"
"So how do we get out?" she said reluctantly.
"The only way that I know of is to disarm the rest of the traps to prevent any nasty surprises from dropping onto our heads, and then trigger the one that drops us into the underground river. But if you think that you can manage to remove that boulder from the entrance, it would be much more convenient. It was designed to be impossible, but from what my ghost has mentioned, "impossible" is not a word to use lightly around you. If you think that you can remove that boulder, I won't argue."
"It wasn't there when we came in, and it feels like it's only half there now. How did it get there?"
"It was enchanted to be non-existant from the outside, and immune to magic from the inside." the ghost replied.
"So what if we were to strengthen ourselves, and then just turn the thing around?" she wondered.
Lord Alfric shook his head. "It is contiguous with the cave floor from this side."
"Is the floor immune to magic?" she asked curiously.
"Yes. Only the traps are affected."
She thought for a few minutes. "Can traps be moved?"
The ghost began to fade as the living man slowly nodded. "I believe so."
She grinned. "Then why not move the trap you mentioned that drops us into the underground river so that it drops the boulder instead?"
He groaned. "I cannot believe that I never thought of that! I suppose being too close to the problem blinds you to some of the possiblilties. Of course, I'm probably too weak to manage that, either."
The ghost completely vanished.
"Where did he go?" she asked suspiciously.
"Apparently I never died." He smiled at her. "Thank you."
There was a burst of magic in the air once they had escaped. He wavered between being a ghost and being alive for a moment, and then solidified again. He smiled. "Paradox resolved." He pointed to a small forest along the coastline nearby. "There is a cabin in that woodland where we can find food and shelter. There is no bed, but there are a few very comfortable sofas. Or you can go back to your own time, if you prefer."
"Later. I think you still owe me an explanation. And an apology."
He nodded, and led the way to the cabin. It was late in the morning when they finally arrived. No-one was there, and it looked as though it had been empty for a while.
After a late breakfast, she sat down on one of the couches. "What is happening to me?"
He sat down beside her. "You are becoming what you would have been if you had been born as my daughter from someone with your genetic makeup. Fortunately your hairstyle hides your ears; they are most likely pointed now. And you will find that your lifespan is much longer than it once would have been. You will need to find ways to disguise that fact if you wish to continue to live among humans. But the biggest change is likely to be in your ability to use magic. Humans have a much more limited ability to store magical energy within themselves, and cannot simply shape it without spells to focus it. Elves can focus it by will alone, and a demon's own physical form is a magical construct. You should be able to access all three methods, at least to some degree.
"How much longer am I going to live?" she wondered.
"It is difficult to be certain, but I would suspect a minimum of a milennium or two. Assuming, of course, that you are careful. You can still be killed. It is also possible that you could simply live as long as you choose to live."
She thought about that for a few minutes. "I could be immortal?"
"Possibly."
"That means I will outlive my friends, doesn't it?"
He simply nodded.
"And their children. And grandchildren. And everybody." She began to cry.
"Now I think you understand why I did this." he commented.
"What! You wanted to torture me?" She stood up, and looked around for something to throw at him.
"Do you really think I wanted to outlive my daughter?" he asked gently. "I grew up in Hell, with a demon for a mother. I never really belonged among the elves, and I never wanted to belong among the demons. You've seen how well my friendships turned out. "
"So you did the same thing to me?"
" "Surely you can take some comfort knowing that you're mine," he said softly. "You will not outlive me, any more than I will outlive you."
"Let me think about it." she said slowly. "It's starting to get late."
The next morning she was awakened by a crashing noise outside. He was gone. When she cautiously peered out the window, she saw him next to a pile of large rocks. He was methodically placing one after the other between two pylons and smashing them with his hand. There was dried blood down the pylons, although he didn't seem to be bleeding.
"What are you doing?" she asked him.
"Only thing I'm good at." he replied curtly. He saw her looking at the blood. "Mine, from long ago. I improved. Let me get dressed, and then we need to talk again."
While he was changing, she went to the mirror and looked at her pointed ears. She still wasn't sure if she liked all of the implications, but it wasn't as bad as she had been afraid it was. When he came out of the bathroom, she hopefully checked to see if he had any better clothes. He didn't. She reluctantly showered and put the old outfit back on. He had breakfast ready when she came out.
Over breakfast he told her "I have two things to say to you. One which you want to hear, and one which you probably do not want to hear.
First; Greymane is my brother. You are going to need my help to defeat him. You have the talent, but not the experience, and spending 400 years training you will age you enough to eliminate any chance to surprise him. The paradox of meeting myself was resolved by making me remember the entire time I was a ghost. I am the same Lord Alfric who brought you back in time, and I still have some of the power from the Crown. If you let me, I can hide myself within you, and we can work together. I give you my word that I will not do anything that you do not allow, and you are able to kick me out if I break my word. And if you forbid it, I will not even try. The Crown will give you warning. I expect no answer now. I will consider myself forbidden until you say otherwise."
He got up from the table. "I also owe you an apology for the times that I took you over without permission. I was treating you as a child, and you are much more than that."
She thought for a while. "Thank you. I am not happy about the way you treated me, but I'm willing to let you earn my trust. We still have Greymane to deal with, after all. I may want every advantage I can get."
Current Events: Mysterious Past
Previous Events: Makeover, Time Travel, Finding Judas, Kidnapped
Word Count: 1693
CC Used: Legend Isles Lyonesse world by Sookielee, Cmar's ear sliders, Euphoria skin by Fawkes
(Note: the picture of the ghost fading out was taken by using move objects to stick him onto a corner square. It is not Photoshopped. I have a top-down picture of the cave with that scene here http://www.modyourpanties.com/hosti...120824182239Top Down.jpg if you wish proof.)
I am Ghost. My husband is sidneydoj. I post, he downloads, and I wanted to keep my post count.
Group for Avatar Makers* Funny Stories *2017 Yearbook
#281
24th Aug 2012 at 11:48 PM
And just in case I can't find a way to use this in Round 5, I'm going to post an outtake from when he autonomously decided to tell a ghost story.
I had a scene in Round 4, but it had to be cut because it made the entry too long.
I am Ghost. My husband is sidneydoj. I post, he downloads, and I wanted to keep my post count.
Group for Avatar Makers* Funny Stories *2017 Yearbook
I had a scene in Round 4, but it had to be cut because it made the entry too long.
I am Ghost. My husband is sidneydoj. I post, he downloads, and I wanted to keep my post count.
Group for Avatar Makers* Funny Stories *2017 Yearbook
#282
25th Aug 2012 at 1:45 PM
Last edited by Tamlyn : 26th Aug 2012 at 4:00 AM.
Posts: 220
Thanks: 39 in 1 Posts
Chapter Four
Summary: While fires have raged around the small town of Sunset Valley, half the work of nature and half the work of an arsonist, Zoe has kept her secrets regarding her abilities with fire hidden deep. When she loses control, she tries to take off, only to be deterred by her best friend who's been keeping secrets of his own.
Zoe braked at the sight of the roadblock. The flashing lights of emergency vehicles created a garish Xmas display against a smoky backdrop. Urgency was in every action as people gave orders and worried over a map spread on the ground. Radios crackled in constant calls, and grim looks were cast at the flames in the distance, whose roar was a permanent backdrop to the scene, punctuated by explosions.
She'd followed Matt on foot, but he'd soon lost her. He was faster and stronger than a normal dog, and he was angry. Anger always fuelled Matt – friends wondered why he and Zoe were so close. To others, they were yin and yang. Zoe'd returned to the car, which hiccupped and threatened not to start, pushing her already raw emotions closer to the blade's edge. Matt could find the arsonist by scent, Zoe imagined. She couldn't track Matt, but her best bet was to start at the fire.
"Hey, no further. This road's blocked off." A young, nervous fire-fighter ran up as soon as Zoe got out the car.
Zoe glanced over his shoulder at the flashing lights and barricades. "I know," she said. "I just wanted some information."
"There's a fire."
"Yes..." She wondered if she should find someone in charge instead. But that might draw attention to her. "At the labs, yeah?"
The man nodded, a jerky movement, and sympathy shot through Zoe. He was too young to be dealing with this. Then she shook her head ruefully - she probably wasn't any older than him.
A message came through on the radio, as another explosion darkened the entire sky. The fire-fighter twisted round. Zoe grabbed his arm to stop him tripping.
"We've been pulled off the ground completely," he said quietly. "It's too dangerous. So we set up borders and wait for air support." He sounded so miserable that for a moment Zoe forgot her own maelstrom of worries.
"You're doing the best you can," she said.
"It's not enough. I know it's the rules and there's nothing we can do. At least not until things have finished exploding. But still..." he trailed off. "It's the rules. No one can do anything." He shrugged Zoe off and moved away.
Zoe chewed at her lower lip. "I don't know who makes the rules, but they're wrong."
"What?" The fire-fighter paused, looking back with a confused frown.
Ducking her head, Zoe blushed. She wasn't being fair. They weren't wrong. They just didn't have all the information. For most it was both too dangerous and pointless. For her it wasn't dangerous. It might still be pointless – but Matt was out there, so it didn't matter.
Zoe turned and walked into the bushes on the side of the road. No one noticed; they had bigger things to worry about.
Zoe jogged through the trees. Any noise she made was drowned out by the roar of the flames, sirens, the crack of breaking branches, and the headlong crash of escaping wildlife. She was close enough to the fire now for it have been uncomfortably warm, if she was normal. She was also regretting her choice of attire. Numerous small scratches covered her legs and arms.
She neared the labs; she wouldn't be able to get closer. Anyone in there was dead, devoured by the roaring inferno. She shuddered and shoved that thought away.
A glint to her left caught her attention: the reflection of fire on glass. The groundsman's shed. The labs' gardens were extensive, both because of the predominance of agricultural science practiced there and as a means of extra funding. Their upkeep was also highly technological, and the shed probably contained as much mechanical tools as gardening.
A shape moved behind the door, not just the dance of reflection, and Zoe changed direction.
"Ma—?" She pushed through the door, the word dying on her lips. Her eyes widened, and for a moment she couldn't take in what she was seeing.
Matt was there. His canine form was stretched out on the packed dirt. His chest moved, up and down, in shallow, slow breaths, but he didn't otherwise stir. The faintest hint of blood was lost in the dark fur of his head. A hammer lay nearby. The innocent tool somehow took on an ominous air.
On the other side of the shed, bending over a pile clothes that stunk of kerosene and apparently attempting to burn the evidence was—
"Jillian?" Zoe said weakly.
"Zoe? What are you doing here?" Jill spun and gaped, eyes wide, before the words burst from her.
Zoe opened her mouth and closed it again. Her emotions seemed locked away behind the glass of shock. "I think that should be my question," she managed, voice still strained. She stared at Jill's innocent blue eyes, now glaring through angry tears. Maybe this wasn't what it looked like...
"Why is everything going wrong?" Jill moaned. She kicked at her pile of clothes. "First that dog scared the life out of me. I thought it was a person, then I thought it was going to attack me, so I knocked it out. It got scared or something or I wouldn't have been able to get near it. And now you. Now what am I meant to do about you?"
Obviously, it was what it looked like. But Zoe fixated on one thing, and her anger crystallized. The smell of smoke filled the room. "You hurt Matt?" she exploded, and Jill jerked back in surprise.
Matt wouldn't have been scared. But he would have hesitated – he wouldn't have expected Jillian, teenage daughter of the fire chief, passionate, bright, alive, so focused on joining the CFA. At least he was still a dog. Reverting to human would have opened too many questions, even if people weren't likely to believe a crazy, fire-starting girl. Provided any of them got out of there alive.
"Matt? The dog's Matt's? Oh." A hint of regret passed Jill's face and disappeared. "It scared me. Now, don't do anything while I deal with this. Then we need to get out of here." With the last, she cast an anxious glance out the door.
Zoe struggled to breathe through the mixed force of incredulity and anger burning in her. "Don't do anything? People have died because of you."
Jill fumbled with the lighter. She swallowed heavily. "I didn't mean that to happen. But don't you see? It's better that way." She lit the fire, hands steady again.
Zoe gave a strangled grunt. "Better?"
"It makes us bigger heroes. Some people died, but more people didn't," Jill explained. "People will remember what fire-fighters did. They'd forget if it was a spot fire or two, but now Dad will be the biggest hero."
"You're going to break his heart. You little..." Zoe trailed off. She didn't have the words. Matt would, and as soon as she got him out of there, he'd use them. He wouldn't be too badly hurt – she wouldn't let him be.
Jill shot her an immensely superior look, a slight smirk on her lips. Her moment of conscience may as well not have existed. "Oh, please, Zoe. Like you'll do anything. I'm going to be in so much trouble if you tell on me – like, jail or dead kind of trouble. You won't do that." She lowered herself back down to her fire.
Zoe looked at Matt. He was still breathing steadily, with no other change. She crouched and almost without thinking wrapped her fingers around the cold handle of the hammer.
"You know, Jill," she said, with a sidewise glance. The girl was too busy playing with her fire to pay attention. "I could pretend that I never saw you. I could pretend no one is starting these fires. I could carry on as if nothing really matters." She rose and crept forward. "But being nice doesn't make me stupid."
She slammed the hammer down on Jill's head.
The girl crumpled to the floor with a surprised cry; Zoe echoed her yelp, as if she was the one who'd been hit. She gasped and swayed, the room spinning. The hammer dropped to the ground. For a moment Zoe was frozen. Then Jill moaned and twitched, before settling – unconscious, but alive.
"Oh God. I just hit a little girl."
A little girl who was an arsonist and murderer, and old enough to be responsible for her own actions, Zoe's internal logic argued.
The fierce crackle of flames impinged her self-recrimination. The fire had reached them – and surrounded them. They were stuck, arsonist, dog and Zoe alike.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Current Plot Point: Playing Both Sides
Previous Plot Points: Mysterious Past, Heaven Only Knows, Makeover, Bonus: Meet Cute
Word Count: 1430 words / 15 pictures
CC Used: Allowed – LBF skins, Aikea eyes, poses, OMSPs, Time/Weather mod, Chaos effect emitter
PLUS possibly unallowed firetrucks because I could not for the life of me get one in game *grr* Not sure whether it counts for unallowed since it might count as a mod unlocking an ingame object? Doesn't really matter, I guess.
Is there a reason for all the photoshop disclaimers? Should I be joining the club?
I have to say. I'm probably the most satisfied with this chapter out of all of them regardless of its quality, simply because it was so much trouble to do. Ignoring the troubles with writing it, once I got to scene building/picture taking, I swear everything that could go wrong, did. Except the save file corrupting. It did threaten to hang indefinitely for a while though. But I beat it in the end *smug*
Also, I feel like (apparently I didn't finish this sentence. Fill in the blanks on your own, since I have no idea what I was going to say!)
#283
25th Aug 2012 at 9:54 PM
Last edited by missroxor : 25th Aug 2012 at 10:27 PM.
Just gave my post it's final edit, as ready as it'll ever be for judging.
*crosses fingers for a long final chapter to fit in everything that's not been covered yet* D:
*crosses fingers for a long final chapter to fit in everything that's not been covered yet* D:
#284
26th Aug 2012 at 12:57 AM
Posts: 22
Previously on: Suzanna Trench was led on whirlwind adventure by Valentina Victor to take down the nefarious 'company'. This led Suzanna, Valentina, and Bram Adams to a warehouse on the edge of town where Jacob Victor performed his ghastly experiments. They stormed the place, but just when Suzanna thought she was winning, Jacob slipped her a sedative using Bram. Who's side is on? And what was Valentina's real purpose of leading them on this escapade?
Current Plot Point: Mind over Matter
Previous Plot Points: The Cake was a Lie, Move Heaven and Earth, Finding Judas, Meet Cute.
Word Count: 1,494
Custom Content?: 100% Illegal here folks. How else do you think I *spoiler*?
---
Suzanna shifted her body in her shackles, they clanked together stubbornly. Her body felt weary, and her mind was like a puddle. She vaguely remembered dreaming lucidly, but had no idea about what. She couldn't recall where she was. Still in the warehouse? As a captive? That would be unfortunate.
Her vision was blurry, it must have been the injection... done by Bram. Her mind flashed to him morosely. He was being controlled.
A door slammed and she heard the clacking of dress shoes, and one-- no, two pairs of flats clicking in motion. There were voices as well. She couldn't be sure she wasn't simply hallucinating.
"What were you thinking!" A man raged-- that was Jacob! "Telling mother on me? Didn't you realize what she would do?"
"Mother has a right to know. It is, after all, her company." A smooth feminine voice countered: Natalie. "Not yours." She tacked on vindictively.
"I happen to have everything under control." Jacob hissed back, "It's none of mother's business what I do in my private facility."
"Sure it is," another female chimed in: Valentina by the sounds of it, what was she doing here! "When you're killing so many people in one place it tends to attract some attention, brother dearest."
"Shut up, whelp." Jacob snapped, "They're not people."
Natalie intercepted, "Mother seems to disagree. You're going off company policy here, you should be grateful that we take care of our own."
"Lest you find yourself in the hands the authorities!" Valentina guffawed. Suzanna could picture her smiling.
Jacob seethed. "Alright, alright, get out! Both of you! Before I stick my army on you." He said without much venom.
Valentina laughed, "Love you too, we'll be back."
"You better not be." Jacob grumbled.
"I will be back, at least." Natalie said, "We don't want Valentina causing anymore trouble. And Jacob?"
He grumbled in response.
"Do remember what mother told you."
"Of course, of course." He said, she pictured him flipping his hand. The door creaked twice, Suzanna assumed that Valentina and Natalie were gone now. Jacob's fine shoes clicked her way now. Back to his prisoner.
"Wake up." Jacob said roughly, shaking her shoulder. "There are things that you and I must attend to."
Suzanna opened one eye for him, glared with it, and responded, "The deactivation of this facility, you mean." She said sharply. Jacob laughed coldly.
"No, that's not it at all, I mean it will come eventually..." He made a sour expression, "I suppose." He let out a breath and straightened his vest, "We're relocating now and you're coming with me."
"What if I don't want to." She said.
"That's not really an option, my dear." He pulled a short knife from his shirt pocket and held it to her throat.
Suzanna lowered her chin, trying to cushion the blade, "So I'm your dear now eh? Well I've got news for you buddy. Come closer, you wanna hear it?
He was unamused, but came in regardless, "What?" He asked, his amber eyes smoldering her temporarily.
"You're going down."
"I'm quite aware of that, in fact, it's probably going to happen tonight." He said nonchalantly, "Would you like to come into the other room and discuss my imminent demise a little more comfortably?"
She resisted spitting in his face; he did, after all, have a knife to her throat. "Pound sand."
He groaned, "Surely you can take some comfort knowing that you're mine. It does have it's perks from time to time."
Suzanna felt a wave of anger, "I don't belong to you like some possession."
"Sure you do. Let me count the ways."
"Go to hell."
"Oh, feisty. Let's go, or must I knock you unconscious once more to get us from one room to the other?"
She glared in return.
"I'll take that as a yes." Was the last thing she heard.
...
It was much darker when she woke up next, Suzanna realized that it was becoming imperatively obvious that she was going to have to do something different than allow herself to be dragged around unconscious. Unfortunately the only weakness that Jacob showed was a creepy attraction. (It had to be the suit-- way too tight without including the proper mechanism to ward off horny super villains.) She grumbled while slowly propping herself up, only to find that Jacob was staring at her.
Oh boy.
"You could stop doing that any time," She growled at him. Whoops. That certainly wasn't a 'hey baby...'
"Nice to see you're awake." He said sarcastically.
She rubbed her eyes. Say something seductive Trench! "Joining you... baby--" She coughed, "--was good of me--great of me, I mean... it makes me have feels, sweet... thing." She stuttered.
Jacob gave her an alarmed look. "Uhum. Thank you, I suppose?" Suzanna tried opening and closing her eyes rapidly for a second to clear her mind. "Now, if you would, we shall get down to business."
"Anytinme fur you-- no! Anytime for you, I mean." She attempted to move in on her prey. He edged away from her ever so slightly.
He clapped his hands twice rapidly and the door opened, out came two men. One of which was her best friend. Suzanna nearly leapt out of her chair.
It isn't the right time. Suzanna put her feet on the floor resentfully.
"Now, I'm sure both of you are wondering why you're here. Less so for you Bram."
Suzanna sucked in her breath.
Jacob looked at both of them in turn. "Bram, you're going to bite Suzanna."
Bram looked up, alarmed as his minder released him from his bonds. He looked pleadingly at Suzanna.
Suzanna immediately snuggled closer. "No, no, there's no need for that-- you don't have to." She said,
His eyes were shining. "Don't you see, like that you can lead my army. Somebody of your talents is absolutely indispensable to my operations."
"It's not necessary, really, we can do this without me becoming..." She said sweetly. The words were flowing out of her easier, thankfully.
Jacob inched away uncertainly.
Suzanna internally cringed. She covered up by moving closer and whispering in his ear, "I'll be in your army if you let Bram go."
Jacob settled down, "That's all well and good, but there's only one problem: his position is permanent."
"Find a way and I'm yours." She hissed. For the first time, she saw him stutter. Before he could find a way to respond, there was a huge explosion.
The flames coming from behind Valentina blazed fiercely. She wore a triumphant smile as she ran in. "I told you I would come back." She said, eyes wild.
Jacob was not at all pleased. "What the hell are you doing!?" He shouted at her.
"Burning brother's work. Am I doing a good job so far?" She said smugly.
"The hell!"
Valentina smiled and threw her lighter up in the air, "We should be leaving now." She said nonchalantly.
Bram piped up for the first time "It's getting quite hot in here." He said, looking faint.
Suzanna rushed to his side.
"Come on. Lets go." She said, putting his arm around her. Valentina lost her smile.
"He can't come." She said.
"What?" "I beg your pardon!" Jacob and Suzanna said, respectively.
Valentina aimed her lighter at Bram like a popgun, "He's the last of this strain, it's the only way we're stopping you brother dearest."
Jacob sputtered. "Which is--"
"We're taking him with us!" She shouted, drowning Jacob out.
A part of the building fell in another room.
"Do you want to solve this Suzanna?" She asked, dead serious. "Are we going to end this or not?! Kill him. It's easy, you've done it a million times before." She kept her tone even.
Possibly from the smoke, Suzanna began to cry, "No,"
"Isn't this some sort of democracy? I don't want him dead either!"
"Oh so it's the sympathy now isn't it, I don't recall any of that before now do I? You can't possibly keep him alive and win this. Maybe you're strong, but you don't stand a chance against them when they come for him. Is this what you want now? To live in fear, persecution?" She implored, her arms whipped across her body.
Suzanna cringed, "No," She said again, pleading.
"KILL HIM NOW." She screamed. Another part of the building fell.
Suzanna looked at him, he was hanging against her, eyes barely open. "I-- can't." She cried.
Valentina's eyes blazed at her. "Come brother. We're leaving." He took him by the arm and marched out.
"Hey, you little, we're taking him with us" He coughed, "Stop!" She forcefully took him out of the room, leaving Suzanna holding Bram.
"Thank you." He breathed, falling to the floor. Suzanna was unable to keep from quaking with sobs. She knew couldn't stay for long though. Before she could react, a gigantic metal instrument fell through the ceiling, effectively blocking the way out.
"I love you."
...
---
Whelp, I took a advice from a friend and they all died in a fire.Most of them, but not enough if you ask me. I may have stretched the term "falling action", as there were still casualties to be had, but believe me the death count is going straight off the cliff next chapter. I actually tie up themes?! *Gasp*. I'm quite excited, this is the first story I've ever finished for the internets!
Current Plot Point: Mind over Matter
Previous Plot Points: The Cake was a Lie, Move Heaven and Earth, Finding Judas, Meet Cute.
Word Count: 1,494
Custom Content?: 100% Illegal here folks. How else do you think I *spoiler*?
---
Suzanna shifted her body in her shackles, they clanked together stubbornly. Her body felt weary, and her mind was like a puddle. She vaguely remembered dreaming lucidly, but had no idea about what. She couldn't recall where she was. Still in the warehouse? As a captive? That would be unfortunate.
Her vision was blurry, it must have been the injection... done by Bram. Her mind flashed to him morosely. He was being controlled.
A door slammed and she heard the clacking of dress shoes, and one-- no, two pairs of flats clicking in motion. There were voices as well. She couldn't be sure she wasn't simply hallucinating.
"What were you thinking!" A man raged-- that was Jacob! "Telling mother on me? Didn't you realize what she would do?"
"Mother has a right to know. It is, after all, her company." A smooth feminine voice countered: Natalie. "Not yours." She tacked on vindictively.
"I happen to have everything under control." Jacob hissed back, "It's none of mother's business what I do in my private facility."
"Sure it is," another female chimed in: Valentina by the sounds of it, what was she doing here! "When you're killing so many people in one place it tends to attract some attention, brother dearest."
"Shut up, whelp." Jacob snapped, "They're not people."
Natalie intercepted, "Mother seems to disagree. You're going off company policy here, you should be grateful that we take care of our own."
"Lest you find yourself in the hands the authorities!" Valentina guffawed. Suzanna could picture her smiling.
Jacob seethed. "Alright, alright, get out! Both of you! Before I stick my army on you." He said without much venom.
Valentina laughed, "Love you too, we'll be back."
"You better not be." Jacob grumbled.
"I will be back, at least." Natalie said, "We don't want Valentina causing anymore trouble. And Jacob?"
He grumbled in response.
"Do remember what mother told you."
"Of course, of course." He said, she pictured him flipping his hand. The door creaked twice, Suzanna assumed that Valentina and Natalie were gone now. Jacob's fine shoes clicked her way now. Back to his prisoner.
"Wake up." Jacob said roughly, shaking her shoulder. "There are things that you and I must attend to."
Suzanna opened one eye for him, glared with it, and responded, "The deactivation of this facility, you mean." She said sharply. Jacob laughed coldly.
"No, that's not it at all, I mean it will come eventually..." He made a sour expression, "I suppose." He let out a breath and straightened his vest, "We're relocating now and you're coming with me."
"What if I don't want to." She said.
"That's not really an option, my dear." He pulled a short knife from his shirt pocket and held it to her throat.
Suzanna lowered her chin, trying to cushion the blade, "So I'm your dear now eh? Well I've got news for you buddy. Come closer, you wanna hear it?
He was unamused, but came in regardless, "What?" He asked, his amber eyes smoldering her temporarily.
"You're going down."
"I'm quite aware of that, in fact, it's probably going to happen tonight." He said nonchalantly, "Would you like to come into the other room and discuss my imminent demise a little more comfortably?"
She resisted spitting in his face; he did, after all, have a knife to her throat. "Pound sand."
He groaned, "Surely you can take some comfort knowing that you're mine. It does have it's perks from time to time."
Suzanna felt a wave of anger, "I don't belong to you like some possession."
"Sure you do. Let me count the ways."
"Go to hell."
"Oh, feisty. Let's go, or must I knock you unconscious once more to get us from one room to the other?"
She glared in return.
"I'll take that as a yes." Was the last thing she heard.
...
It was much darker when she woke up next, Suzanna realized that it was becoming imperatively obvious that she was going to have to do something different than allow herself to be dragged around unconscious. Unfortunately the only weakness that Jacob showed was a creepy attraction. (It had to be the suit-- way too tight without including the proper mechanism to ward off horny super villains.) She grumbled while slowly propping herself up, only to find that Jacob was staring at her.
Oh boy.
"You could stop doing that any time," She growled at him. Whoops. That certainly wasn't a 'hey baby...'
"Nice to see you're awake." He said sarcastically.
She rubbed her eyes. Say something seductive Trench! "Joining you... baby--" She coughed, "--was good of me--great of me, I mean... it makes me have feels, sweet... thing." She stuttered.
Jacob gave her an alarmed look. "Uhum. Thank you, I suppose?" Suzanna tried opening and closing her eyes rapidly for a second to clear her mind. "Now, if you would, we shall get down to business."
"Anytinme fur you-- no! Anytime for you, I mean." She attempted to move in on her prey. He edged away from her ever so slightly.
He clapped his hands twice rapidly and the door opened, out came two men. One of which was her best friend. Suzanna nearly leapt out of her chair.
It isn't the right time. Suzanna put her feet on the floor resentfully.
"Now, I'm sure both of you are wondering why you're here. Less so for you Bram."
Suzanna sucked in her breath.
Jacob looked at both of them in turn. "Bram, you're going to bite Suzanna."
Bram looked up, alarmed as his minder released him from his bonds. He looked pleadingly at Suzanna.
Suzanna immediately snuggled closer. "No, no, there's no need for that-- you don't have to." She said,
His eyes were shining. "Don't you see, like that you can lead my army. Somebody of your talents is absolutely indispensable to my operations."
"It's not necessary, really, we can do this without me becoming..." She said sweetly. The words were flowing out of her easier, thankfully.
Jacob inched away uncertainly.
Suzanna internally cringed. She covered up by moving closer and whispering in his ear, "I'll be in your army if you let Bram go."
Jacob settled down, "That's all well and good, but there's only one problem: his position is permanent."
"Find a way and I'm yours." She hissed. For the first time, she saw him stutter. Before he could find a way to respond, there was a huge explosion.
The flames coming from behind Valentina blazed fiercely. She wore a triumphant smile as she ran in. "I told you I would come back." She said, eyes wild.
Jacob was not at all pleased. "What the hell are you doing!?" He shouted at her.
"Burning brother's work. Am I doing a good job so far?" She said smugly.
"The hell!"
Valentina smiled and threw her lighter up in the air, "We should be leaving now." She said nonchalantly.
Bram piped up for the first time "It's getting quite hot in here." He said, looking faint.
Suzanna rushed to his side.
"Come on. Lets go." She said, putting his arm around her. Valentina lost her smile.
"He can't come." She said.
"What?" "I beg your pardon!" Jacob and Suzanna said, respectively.
Valentina aimed her lighter at Bram like a popgun, "He's the last of this strain, it's the only way we're stopping you brother dearest."
Jacob sputtered. "Which is--"
"We're taking him with us!" She shouted, drowning Jacob out.
A part of the building fell in another room.
"Do you want to solve this Suzanna?" She asked, dead serious. "Are we going to end this or not?! Kill him. It's easy, you've done it a million times before." She kept her tone even.
Possibly from the smoke, Suzanna began to cry, "No,"
"Isn't this some sort of democracy? I don't want him dead either!"
"Oh so it's the sympathy now isn't it, I don't recall any of that before now do I? You can't possibly keep him alive and win this. Maybe you're strong, but you don't stand a chance against them when they come for him. Is this what you want now? To live in fear, persecution?" She implored, her arms whipped across her body.
Suzanna cringed, "No," She said again, pleading.
"KILL HIM NOW." She screamed. Another part of the building fell.
Suzanna looked at him, he was hanging against her, eyes barely open. "I-- can't." She cried.
Valentina's eyes blazed at her. "Come brother. We're leaving." He took him by the arm and marched out.
"Hey, you little, we're taking him with us" He coughed, "Stop!" She forcefully took him out of the room, leaving Suzanna holding Bram.
"Thank you." He breathed, falling to the floor. Suzanna was unable to keep from quaking with sobs. She knew couldn't stay for long though. Before she could react, a gigantic metal instrument fell through the ceiling, effectively blocking the way out.
"I love you."
...
---
Whelp, I took a advice from a friend and they all died in a fire.
#285
26th Aug 2012 at 4:07 AM
Posts: 293
Round 4
Previous Rounds Summary: While being robbed at gun point at her job, Helena Raye, a former superhero named Brio, thwarts the robbery when she saves Lorie's life with an energy blast. Somehow, everyone thinks Lorie is Brio and she capitalizes on it even going to a warehouse to rescue hostages from the clutches of villainous Aron. But it's Helena who ends up saving the day. Now Maxwell is in her car claiming to know the truth.----------------------------------
Running Out of Hero
Chapter 4
The sky turned lavender as the sun rose. Neither Helena nor Maxwell noticed. They stared at each other, long and hard. Turned around in her seat, she had been about to blast him out of her car, but she didn't want to tear the vehicle apart. He didn't know that, though.
“Get out or else,” she threatened.
“Or else what?” He asked. “Are you admitting you're Brio?”
She didn't respond.
His smile was sad. “These,” he took off his sunglasses, “were specially made so that I could live with some peace. When I wear them I can't see into anyone or read thoughts. But when they're off...”
Helena's body stiffened as she remembered Maxwell's shocked reaction when she walked into his office while he wasn't wearing glasses.
He nodded. “That's when I figured it out. Not that I didn't have suspicions beforehand. Despite Lorie's foolproof amnesia and plastic surgery explanation, her mind never matched her story.”
“Who are you?”
“Aron called me Monere#8. Monere is a mind enhancing machine. I didn't even have my own name. They hooked those of us with mind abilities to Monere. We were used to search for information and access to persons, governments, companies... whatever they wanted.”
“You're with Aron?” She was prepared to blast again.
“Was.”
“You're lying. No one leaves Aron.”
“You did.”
“That's different. It was an accident.”
“Flying away from the compound isn't--”
“I didn't know I could fly! I wasn't even supposed to have powers. They had already declared me useless. I figured if I were about to die then I may as well make the most of it. So I ran. When they started shooting... I just flew... ”
'Useless' was Aron code for 'without powers and needing to be deposed of' aka killed off.
His green eyes softened. “A group of us got out while they were fixing the ventilation system.” He said. “You were our inspiration.”
“If that's true then why leave me to do all the fighting alone?”
He looked down at the floor. “We tried to forget, to live normal lives, to carry on as if nothing really matters. But the truth is everything does. We endured horrible evils, but we have knowledge and skills no one else does. Aron is prepared to wipe Delkarta off the map completely. We need--”
“No.” She cut in. “I'm not going to be Brio again.”
“But just now at the warehouse you--”
“That was a one time thing to buy some time. Tomorrow I'm packing my bags and going to a warm beach where there's no crap in the water and you'll never see me again.”
“You'd leave an entire city to die?”
Wasn't she the one dying while Aron grew stronger? “[B]I don't know who made the rules, but they're wrong.[/B] Good doesn't conquer evil. Good is punished and evil is rewarded, so what's the point?”
He shook his head. “What happened to the girl who wasn't afraid of bringing justice wherever it was needed?”
“That's the beauty of being naïve. You don't know how stupid you are.”
He started to say something, but she cut him off again. “Leave me alone,” she growled.
Sighing, he opened the door and left.
All she needed was sleep to get over the tiredness using energy cost her. Small doses didn't take nearly as much effort as flying did. She was in a deep sleep when a nagging sound slowly woke her. It was her phone ringing. A blurry-eyed check showed 23 missed calls, all from Sarah. She answered.
“Where are you?” Sarah shouted. Helena was bewildered by the panic in the usually calm doctor. “Did you see the photo I sent you?”
Helena put the speakerphone on as she looked. Her stomach roiled with queasiness when she found it. It was a picture of a dance floor. Centered was River leaning a woman into a dip.
“Where are you?” Helena asked. “Sarah? Sarah!”
She could hear faint voices. Sarah's and a man's, her boyfriend, Rupert. She jumped off her bed and scrambled for some clothes to throw on.
“We're at a city fundraiser at the Hall,” Sarah came in suddenly. “We tried to warn everyone, but they wouldn't listen. After security made us leave the doors and windows were froze solid. Water's pouring down from the vents. Halfway full now. We're trying to find a way to get them out, but the ice is too thick.”
“Get as far away as possible. I'm on my way.”
At 10:23pm, Helena was speeding the 20 minute drive to the Hall. River had done this before, but on a smaller scale. Both times she'd gotten to the place early enough to put several holes in the walls large enough to drain the water out without dragging anyone out with the suction. Of course, she had flown then--much faster and direct.
Four blocks away, she slammed on her brakes. Traffic was completely jammed. She parked her car behind a bunch of others and climbed up to the roof. The streets were barricaded by police one block from the site. Beyond the honking vehicles was a curious crowd and a line of officers. She'd never make it past.
She called Sarah. “I'm behind the barricade. You'll see me on my car.”
“They're drowning, Helena!” She'd never heard Sarah cry before. “These people are dying in front of us.”
“The ice is completely melted,” Rupert's deep voice said nearby.
She felt like she'd been slapped. She had assumed the two were behind the dozens of emergency vehicles in front of the barricade, but it sounded like they were still looking in. With the ice melted, the pressure against the windows from the water would be so great it would break them. Everyone around the building would be swept away in the current, including Sarah.
She crouched down putting her head between her knees. Taking in several deep breaths she calmed her nerves. It was only four blocks... a short distance. She could do this.
Stepping to the rear of the car, she ran and leaped into the air. Then she thrust herself up and pushed forward.
She came in fast, stumbling onto the Hall's lawn. Her head spun like it was churning in a blender. She pressed her fists against her pounding temples. She couldn't fall apart. Not now with Sarah's life on the line.
She was seeing double as she looked around. She saw Sarah standing inches away from a window and Rupert squatting next to her. They were maybe 40 yards away, but it may as well have been a million.
From the building's windows came multiplied cracklings. Crack! Sharp and loud. Then groaning long and low.
Helena stood to her shaky feet. “Sarah!”
Sarah looked back at her. She gave a small wave. Then Rupert was pulling her toward the wall away from the window. Helena didn't see if she made it or not. The glass shattered and tons of water burst through.
There is a reason why water is considered one of the most deadly forces on earth and a huge wall of it was charging toward all the people in the streets. Normally, she absorbed energy from man-made devices. Taking energy from nature took a level of concentration and training she had never fully gotten. But it was much more powerful and longer lasting.
She'd only done it twice. Closing her eyes, she pushed everything out of her mind: the rumbling ground, the screams, her fear, and Sarah. Water hit her seconds later like a bus. She let it toss her for a moment allowing its power to wrap around her. She focused on absorbing the energy.
Then she pushed back. The water slammed and sloshed like it'd hit a wall—a wall that was only a few feet outside of her in either direction. Everyone beyond that reach was being smashed and swept away. She was too weak to extend it any wider.
It felt like she had held the water back forever, but it was likely only seconds. Yet in that short time much of it had found other avenues to pour into. What was left washed over her as her body gave out.
Helena awoke to find herself wedged under a cart. The area was a disaster. Mangled cars, debris, and bodies strewn everywhere, screaming, weeping, chaos. She couldn't find Sarah and hospitals she called were too overwhelmed to know if she'd been admitted.
She walked the streets of Delkarta with no destination in mind. In the end, she found herself standing before the house that was Maxwell's Center. She sat down on the walkway to wait. Aron was always taking things away from her. Now it was time to take something from them.
-------------------------------
Current Event: Not You Again!
Previous Events: Heaven Forbid; Mysterious Past; Embarrassing Rescue; Class Reunion
Word Count: 1455, Pics: 13
CC Allowed: Custom skin, hair, store content (hair/clothing/objects), OMSP, tipsy OMSP, poses
Penalized: None
Test Subject
#286
26th Aug 2012 at 5:00 AM
Posts: 12
Thanks: 131 in 4 Posts
Chapter 4: Crizz-ay
Quick note: For some reason as soon as the Blakely's save loads the game crashes. I've been trying for a week, hoping it would magically resolve itself--big surprise, it hasn't, so I'm just posting the story sans pictures. Sorry Heaven!Previously On: Elizabeth's simple mission to atone for past mistakes turns into a quest to re-acquaint herself with her little sister Sarah. Just as they make it over the hump and start making progress, she gets a call from her Captain launching a suicide mission and cleansing of all Supernatural life in the town of Littlefield. Making her way to the location, she finds the culprit to be her long-lost lover and father to her child John Ross. Things only get worse when her daughter shows up, acting resentful and just a little crazy.
Samara freezes.
"You're going to have to repeat that."
"Samara, he is your father."
"So, the crimelord that's been shamelessly murdering humans, escaping detection, and forced SIGNAL to put out a hit on all the vampires in the city, including us both, is my father." It was more a statement than a question.
"...Yes?"
John Ross chuckles. "Our daughter's a fiesty one." He claps her on the shoulder. "Good for you, Sammy."
"Samara. It's Samara." She snaps. "And you have no right calling me your daughter."
"Don't I now?"
"You're not my father." Samara says simply.
"Then who is?" John Ross snarls.
"I don't have a father. As far as I'm concered, you're an crazy son of a bitch and I want nothing to do with you. You know, except for when I kill you."
"Samara!" Elizabeth gasps. "You wouldn't really--"
"I have before, mother. All part of the job." Samara's voice is hard, and not at all ashamed.
Elizabeth falls quiet. She had been promised--after days of Samara convincing her to let her join SIGNAL, that no violent jobs of any kind would be permitted. So that had been lies.
But what else had?
Shaking her head, Elizabeth walks away.
Samara scoffs. "Oh mother, acting disappointed. I haven't done anything wrong."
Elizabeth whirls. "You think taking a life is okay? Acceptable? Believe it or not, Samara, but in the real world, murder is against the rules."
"I don't know who made the rules but they're wrong." Samara retorts, rolling her eyes vindictively.
Elizabeth's exasperated. "What is wrong with you?"
"Nothing's wrong," Samara enunciates the word, "maybe it's you that has the problem. You need to climb down off The Great Optimism Horse. The world is a cruel place, mother. You of all people should know just that."
Elizabeth can only stare at her daughter, eyes wide and mouth slightly slack. It doesn't matter what Samara says--something's horribly wrong. This isn't her daughter. It can't be.
Taking advantage of the brief silence, John Rolls his eyes impatiently. "I don't have time for a mother-daughter spat--"
"Shut up!" Both women shout in unison. John Ross concedes, raising his hands and backing away.
"Actually," Samara says, "I take that back." She moves closer, getting right into John Ross' face. "I suppose we could just fight. Loser dies, winner lives to see another day. You know, get this done."
He chuckles. "Maybe you're strong, but you don't stand a chance."
At that, Samara steps back, smiling coyly. Playfully, and syrupy-sweet, she says, "You don't think I could take you?"
"I know you couldn't." John Ross challenges, a grin playing on his lips; his blood-red eyes sparkling darkly.
The air is thick with tension, none of it good. The pair circle each other, electricity stinging each's skin as it flows through their veins.
"I do not understand." Elizabeth interrupts, speaking slowly.
Both heads snap in her direction, 'What?'s' ringing through the still air. Good, they're distracted. She's bought a minute.
"You just said you have killed before. Why do you resent his same actions?"
Samara rolls her eyes, snarling. "For one, it was in poor taste--"
Elizabeth gasps at the words.
"--and secondly, because he robbed me of dozens of potential victims. Hunting on my grounds," Samara tsks, "is a very bad idea."
"You mess with the bull, you get the horns?" John Ross quips.
"Something like that." Samara smiles. This whole exchange is beginning to turn into something like playful banter, and it scares the living hell out of Elizabeth. Her head is reeling.
"I like you." John Ross says.
Samara's lips twitch. "Mmm. You're not so bad yourself...I think we would make a good team."
Elizabeth is starting to feel like this whole thing's a dream. Or a nightmare. A really terrible nightmare.
"We'd better get out of here, then. What with the hit on me, and everything."
"Indeed." Samara agrees. Catching the mask of shock (permanently) plastered on Elizabeth's face, she says, "What? Like we're all martyrs like you? I wasn't signing up for a
suicide mission."
"I wasn't going to let you die." Elizabeth finally says. "You weren't supposed to be anywhere near here."
"Well, I am. And now I've got to leave." Samara glances at John Ross and then back to Elizabeth. "You coming?"
The man nods, an explosion punctuating his gesture. He's grabbing Elizabeth's wrist and pulling her frozen form forward when the doors open.
"S-Sarah?" Elizabeth stutters. John Ross tenses.
"Sarah?" He asks, squinting. She obviously hadn't been looking his way, and gasps when she sees him, startled.
"Who are you?" She asks, squinting at his face, struggling to place the familiar feeling she's getting.
"This changes things." Samara sighs. "I guess I'll have to kill more people now. Ah, well."
"Who's this bitch?" Sarah grimaces, forgetting her earlier query.
The look on Elizabeth's face is nothing short of shame.
"My daughter."
Sarah's eyes widen. "What? But you said..."
"I-I..." Elizabeth trails off, lacking the words to describe her confusion. Changing the subject, she says, "How did you find me?"
"Your friend Timothy came to see me. Said he was worried about you, and told me what's going on." Sarah narrows her eyes. "So does that mean this guy's behind it all?"
"Yes. I suppose introductions are in order. Sarah, meet John Ross. John Ross, my baby sister."
Shaking hands seems inappropriate at a time like this.
"So your ex-boyfriend is a serial killer."
"...Apparently."
"Hey!" John Ross protests. "It was just humans."
"Just humans?" Both Sarah and Elizabeth echo.
"I consider myself more than just prey." Sarah crosses her arms.
No one has been paying attention to Samara, who's staring at the group in amusement.
"I think I'm going to enjoy watching you die." She finally says, indicating Sarah.
Sarah gives Elizabeth a puzzled (and only slightly furious) look.
"It's like she's possessed." Elizabeth indicates her daugter. "I don't know what is wrong."
"Oh." John ross furrows his brow. "Sammy doesn't normally act like this?"
"Don't call me that!" Samara claws at him.
"No. No, she's acting exactly opposite to her usual self." Elizabeth muses.
John Ross thinks this over for a moment. "I think I know what the problem is. I also think I can help."
It seems like the sad picture taking skills following me through the story--it's just ironic that I can't take any more.
Word Count: 1046
Pictures:
Hero Type: The Atoner
Current Plot Point: Seven Deadly Sins
Previous Plot Points: Last Chance, Pride Before a Fall, Mysterious Past, Redemption Quest
Song Lyric: “Maybe you're strong, but you don't stand a chance.” Volbeat, A Warrior's Call
Bonus: Song Lyric: “I don’t know who made the rules but they’re wrong.” Robbie Nevil, Fifteen Minutes
CC: None
#287
26th Aug 2012 at 5:18 AM
Last edited by heaven : 26th Aug 2012 at 5:45 AM.
Posts: 3,720
Thanks: 27209 in 66 Posts
Round 4 is officially closed! Round 5 is listed below and you may find a surprise or two. Be sure to check the timer.
Also, congrats Sabri on getting your round in on the dot! I'm sorry about your pictures though but it means a lot that you are still continuing. I look forward to reading it just the same.
Round 5 – Conclusion – TIMER
This is the final series of events. Will your hero have a happy ending? Is everything all wrapped up in a neat bow? Whatever direction your story took, your readers should feel some sense of closure. If you choose to make it a cliffhanger, close out the direction your story took to begin with and make the cliffhanger a new twist. Between 1,800 words and 2,500 words and 18 to 25 pictures. Anything above or below this numbers will result in loss of points.
Excerpt: Choose ONE of the following quotes.
“If happy ever after did exist…” Maroon 5, Payphone
“Help me, I’m no good at goodbyes.” Train, 50 Ways to Say Goodbye
“Would you have it any other way?” Florence + the Machine, What the Water Gave Me
Round 5: Bonus Worth 5 points
Incorporate a brief scene from the antagonist’s point of view. This should be done in conjunction with your normal round and should flow smoothly. If you choose to do this, add in an extra 300-500 words and 3-5 pictures. The scene can be one compact scene or you may space them out through your chapter. However, spacing them out through your chapter may prove more difficult when it comes to natural flow. Overall, if you do the bonus, you will need 2,100 to 3,000 words and 21 to 30 pictures.
Please include a brief summary (around 100 words) before your entry.
Also, please include information listed below your entry:
Current Events: What did you use this chapter?
Previous Events: Here you will keep a running list of what you have already used.
Word Count:
CC Used:
Also, congrats Sabri on getting your round in on the dot! I'm sorry about your pictures though but it means a lot that you are still continuing. I look forward to reading it just the same.
Round 5 – Conclusion – TIMER
This is the final series of events. Will your hero have a happy ending? Is everything all wrapped up in a neat bow? Whatever direction your story took, your readers should feel some sense of closure. If you choose to make it a cliffhanger, close out the direction your story took to begin with and make the cliffhanger a new twist. Between 1,800 words and 2,500 words and 18 to 25 pictures. Anything above or below this numbers will result in loss of points.
Excerpt: Choose ONE of the following quotes.
“If happy ever after did exist…” Maroon 5, Payphone
“Help me, I’m no good at goodbyes.” Train, 50 Ways to Say Goodbye
“Would you have it any other way?” Florence + the Machine, What the Water Gave Me
Round 5: Bonus Worth 5 points
Incorporate a brief scene from the antagonist’s point of view. This should be done in conjunction with your normal round and should flow smoothly. If you choose to do this, add in an extra 300-500 words and 3-5 pictures. The scene can be one compact scene or you may space them out through your chapter. However, spacing them out through your chapter may prove more difficult when it comes to natural flow. Overall, if you do the bonus, you will need 2,100 to 3,000 words and 21 to 30 pictures.
Please include a brief summary (around 100 words) before your entry.
Also, please include information listed below your entry:
Current Events: What did you use this chapter?
Previous Events: Here you will keep a running list of what you have already used.
Word Count:
CC Used:
Heaven Sims | Avendale Legacy
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
#288
26th Aug 2012 at 5:55 AM
Posts: 293
Whoa! Round 5. Definitely surprised!!! First the kind of word count a long winded fart like me only dreams of. Then the antagonist gets to speak?!! AND 20 days!!! Heart attack!
Thanks Heaven.
.
#289
26th Aug 2012 at 7:30 AM
Everything Qnshr said!! <---- I'm genuinely grinning this much!
#290
26th Aug 2012 at 8:10 AM
Posts: 220
Thanks: 39 in 1 Posts
I'm probably the only one who won't be happy with the huge word count haha - my story plan was rounding out a lot earlier than that.
The bonus confused me a little, but I think I understand.
The bonus confused me a little, but I think I understand.
#292
26th Aug 2012 at 3:41 PM
Posts: 3,720
Thanks: 27209 in 66 Posts
Quote: Originally posted by Tamlyn
I'm probably the only one who won't be happy with the huge word count haha - my story plan was rounding out a lot earlier than that. The bonus confused me a little, but I think I understand. |
If you need clarification, don't be afraid to ask.
Heaven Sims | Avendale Legacy
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
#293
26th Aug 2012 at 7:23 PM
Posts: 22
Huzzah huzzah! I second the joy. Finally a longer word count!!
#294
27th Aug 2012 at 12:19 AM
Posts: 1,101
Thanks: 39722 in 94 Posts
Heaven ... sorry to do this, but something essential has come up in my job future, and I really think I need to withdraw from the contest rather than struggle to get an entry in. Please just delete my scores. Best of luck to everyone in Round 5.
#296
28th Aug 2012 at 1:37 AM
Posts: 1,114
Thanks: 255 in 5 Posts
*Huggles Splad* Nooo : ( I wanted to find out how it ends!
In regards to the Round 5 criteria:
*Squeels like a little girl jumping up and down*
YES YES YES! I honestly have no idea if the judges will love or hate my ending, or if it'll even count : P But with that photo and word count I can now pull off what I wanted. Thanks Heaven!
In regards to the Round 5 criteria:
*Squeels like a little girl jumping up and down*
YES YES YES! I honestly have no idea if the judges will love or hate my ending, or if it'll even count : P But with that photo and word count I can now pull off what I wanted. Thanks Heaven!
#297
30th Aug 2012 at 2:26 AM
Quote: Originally posted by spladoum
Heaven ... sorry to do this, but something essential has come up in my job future, and I really think I need to withdraw from the contest rather than struggle to get an entry in. Please just delete my scores. Best of luck to everyone in Round 5. |
Oh no, Splad! I hate to see you go! I want wish you the best of luck with your job's future, though!
Formally SeeMyu | Retired Mod
#298
3rd Sep 2012 at 3:08 PM
Excuse me, but when are we getting our scores for the last round?
I am Ghost. My husband is sidneydoj. I post, he downloads, and I wanted to keep my post count.
Group for Avatar Makers* Funny Stories *2017 Yearbook
I am Ghost. My husband is sidneydoj. I post, he downloads, and I wanted to keep my post count.
Group for Avatar Makers* Funny Stories *2017 Yearbook
#299
3rd Sep 2012 at 4:08 PM
Posts: 3,720
Thanks: 27209 in 66 Posts
Quote: Originally posted by Ghost sdoj
Excuse me, but when are we getting our scores for the last round? |
Ghost, they are still being worked on. I think that it's been a rather hectic week for everyone involved. I'll post them as soon as they are finished.
Heaven Sims | Avendale Legacy
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
#300
5th Sep 2012 at 1:53 AM
Posts: 3,720
Thanks: 27209 in 66 Posts
Round 4 Scores
Yeah, yeah, scores. Sniveling brats. I'm just kidding. Sorry it took so long to get these back to you. I realize that it's been almost 10 days since the round closed but we had a lot of stuff going on. Plus, you know, I was hoping that the release of Supernatural would distract anyone from being too interested in these. *dangles them over everyone's head*
Remember, if you have an issue with your scores, please come to me instead of disgruntled posts here or trying to PM the judges.
The scores are averaged between all 3 judges. Instead of rounding to the nearest half point, scores are just rounded to the first decimal.
Spladum
"There you go, you're back on top with this one. Except for using the bonus, it looks to me as though you got this going very well. There IS hope for the doctor it seems. Also, clearly he's still got it...Nice job on both the excerpt and the bonus, too, no awkwardness here. Nice!"
I'm not going to lie, I love Eric's attitude and aggressiveness when it comes to making his opinions known. He may be a bit of a jerk, but he is willing to say what others aren't, even at the expense of someone's feelings. I don't know, I just find that... an intriguing characteristic of your hero. I also like that you're keeping him in-character while also allowing him to develop slowly as the story progresses. You've managed to make me like him; or at the very least, admire Eric when he is doing good in his own way. Great work, Splad!
I really love what you did with the plot point here. I thought it was expertly used and I feel that you really capture the sometimes hopelessness of what doctors must feel. Yeah, they help one person but sickness keeps coming back. You can never win, just keep fighting. I feel for poor Eric but I hope that, at some point, he loses that cynicism because he seems to be a good doctor when he tries.
Amazing! So much drama and suspense! I just loved it! Each chapter gets better and better each time! Excellent work!
ReyaD
Now this is how you set up the concluding action! Your character is discovering herself still, and that's ok because she has friends who back her, but she has the courage to face her own battle and to help protect others. Hard not to like her! Nice job on both the excerpt and the bonus, too, that flowed smoothly. The only real problem is that I had to hunt for the bonus entry (That's supposed to be bolded or at least italicized). Otherwise, great entry!.
Man, Liam was really quite the villain; at least until we met the boss briefly and Liam well... died. Juliette's demonstration of her abilities on the other Freaks made her all the more intimidating and I'm excited for the potential showdown with mysterious boss dude. Fantastic cliffhanger, Reya! I'm anxious to read more.
I feel as though the plot point could have used a bit more work though it was on its way there. Your bonus wasn't noted in any way though I did recognize it. I feel that you really left us on the edge here, wanting to know what will happen. However, I am possibly more intrigued by the love connection between Dene and Daniel, mostly because he is "not a freak" and I believe it was mentioned Dene's been doing this a long time so I wonder how they met and fell in love.
Great work! I love the originality of the storyline! Not only that, but the conflict mixed between making it whole and original The only thing you forgot was to italicize your quote, which is apart of the requirements. I am looking forward to the final chapter!
Ghost_sdoj
"LOL I love how you used the thought bubbles to direct the story, that was funny! This is another good chapter for you.Not as much action, but a lot more answers. In fact, it could *almost* be resolved right here, leaving more adventure for the next ""novella"". (I'm exaggerating the scope of what you've done, I know, but you get the idea, I think). Of course, it's so close to ""done"" that you went over the word count. By quite a bit, I might add. However, nice job on both the excerpt and the bonus, too, that flowed smoothly. Good job! "
You went over the word count, so I had to dock a point in the rules section (unfortunately). I have to say, I like living Lord Alfric much better than his ghostly counterpart. I can't wait to read about/see Kylara and Lord Alfric take on Greymane!
Some of the dialogue seemed a little too scripted/stiff but, overall, I think this was a really good chapter. Now that the ghost is gone, I like Lord Alfric much, much more. I really loved your use of the quote and, if it hadn't been bolded, I might have thought it was something you came up with yourself. Now just to meet and deal with this Greymane.
Great job this round! I can tell you are truly dedicated to this story and I love that! Also, you did go over the word count which is something you might want to watch out for in the final round!
Viva1994
"Oh NOES! They can't die! That is sad. On to the story itself. I found the flow a little clunky again. Partly, I think you needed to re-read yourself. Although we're not supposed to judge grammar, using the words you meant to use does help. For instance, in the scene where Valentina returns, setting the whole place on fire, I had to re-read the passage to keep the characters straight because there was a liberal use of the pronoun ""she"", in a conversation between two female characters. Overall, good story, I do look forward to seeing how this ends."
I'm glad that Suzanna was able to "save" Bram; although both of their survival, particularly his, is up for debate. And Suzanna flirting with Jacob was hilarious. She was so hopelessly out of her element being the flirty, overly seductive woman that it made both her and Jacob's discomfort of the situation understandable. I think that's why I like Suzanna so much - she's willing to take the reigns in any situation and hopefully turn the tables in her favor. I hope she is able to not only get herself, but poor Bram out of that warehouse safely!
This chapter made me laugh a lot from the picture of Jacob dragging her across the floor to her very strange attempt at verbal seduction. I think you did a pretty good job though I did get a little disoriented at the last dialogue bits between Suzanna and, I think, Valentina.
Oooo! Awesome! The originality is back! I can smell it! The event was even better! You had me sitting at the edge of my seat! I am looking forward to the final chapter!
Qnshr5
"I *have* to comment on pic #6, what a great shot! Great stuff, I'd love to know the secret...Looks like Brio is going to make a last stand. I find myself wishing this weren't almost over..."
I think this is one of my favorite chapters from you, simply because there was a level of introspection mixed with action that just worked so well together. I also want to point out that your staging for your pictures was fantastic, especially given the scenes you were (successfully) portraying. Great, great job.
The first quote was a little off, mostly due to first/third person disagreement in the statement which jarred the flow a bit. Second quote was spot on though. The story itself though...wow. I was practically holding my breath the whole time. What a horrible situation to be in. I feel so bad for Helena because, no matter what her choices are, there doesn't seem to be a happy ending in her future.
Let me just say something. WOAH! Holy crap! That was intense! Excellent, Excellent work! You did an amazing job with the scenery and the event! I still can't get over how well you did that chapter! Now all you need to do is keep that same momentum in the final chapter
Tamlyn
Tamlyn! This *is* a great chapter, well done! The action moved smoothly, your characters are well developed, and the surprise of it being the young fire chief's daughter is a brilliant stroke. Good job!
Just to be consistent with my comments, I have to say that your pictures and staging were fantastic (as usual). The end of this chapter left me with bated breath! Is Matt going to be okay? Is Zoe going to be able to get all of them out of there safely (we all know she's immune to fire, but the other two certainly aren't!). What is going to happen to Jillian once her father and the rest of the town find out? Or will Zoe be somehow framed for everything?! Arrggghhh! I want to read how this all unfolds RIGHT NOW! Fantastic job, Tamlyn and as you can tell I'm going to be waiting impatiently for your next installment.
Damn, damn! Please let naked dog-Matt be okay! I think you did a good job of using both the quotes and I was also very pleased to see how you used the plot point. Jill may think she is doing it for the betterment of the fire department or whatever but she is truly just nuts. I do hope that our heroine is able to find a way out of this mess.
Excellent work! The only thing that made me concerned is that this might have fit in well with the climax instead of with the falling action. But maybe not. It was overall great dedication and work and the suspense that hid itself made me tingle inside!
Sabri5
"That's too bad about the pictures. Can you reconstruct your set for the next round? I hadn't imagined this would be such a disaster, but the presence or absence of pictures is out of 20 Anyway, I'm really sorry for you about that. Good continuation. The tension is palpable, and I'm glad to learn ""Ammy"" (hehehe!) isn't being herself. Can't wait to see what the problem is and how it gets resolved. Also, you forgot to italicize or bold your bonus entry, I had to hunt for it. "
It's a shame there were no pictures this chapter, but I can definitely sympathize with your situation. We've all been there. Anyway, I was a little confused during certain bits; mainly because more clarification during conversations (who was talking to who) was in order. Despite that though, I still enjoyed reading your entry! Samara is turning out to be an interesting addition to the story and I'm intrigued to read about what is possibly possessing her and how it can be stopped!
I'm a little confused on how the plot point played in with the chapter. I also got lost during bits of the dialogue and trying to follow what exactly was going on. I'm not sure if it was because there were pictures missing or frustration at not being able to take pictures showing through. Either way, I do hope to see what happens and find out exactly what is wrong with Samara.
That seriously sucks about the picture issue! I am so sorry! - Your story was good and you did an excellent job setting the scene with your words. Unfortunately, you forgot to italicize your quote, which is a requirement. I hope you can get everything solved, and if not.. I hope you still proceed with your story! It's very good!
LadyAwesome
Your stories are good. It's a real pleasure to read them. Can I just suggest you use spell check, though? Occasionally misspelled words break up the flow or reading, making the reader go back and re-read to get your meaning. Otherwise, great job!
Ooh! More suspense this chapter. The parts where Ala was potentially discovering Marie's "relationship" with Verne and her son via the different rooms and actually reading/seeing her distress over it was a nice (I feel weird saying "nice" when it was actually quite sad) story development. I also did not see that romance between Ala and Lottie coming at.all. Great work this installment, Lady and I can't wait to read how this story finishes.
Marie is certainly an unpleasant, greedy person, isn't she? I'm glad that Lottie found a way to get to Ala, even in her subconscious and was surprised at the romance (?) that blossomed there. Now just to find out what the conclusion will bring to Ala and the rest.
I am a little confused about what is happening..but I like it! I sense some type of symbolism.. and I love symbolism! I can't wait to see where this goes! Keep it up in your final chapter!
missroxor
Ok, this almost made me cry. Beautiful story, beautiful pics, great flow, this chapter's a winner in my book. Well done!
Again, wow! I feel like I'm always writing the same comments for your chapters because they almost always leave me with some sort of awe at the end. Your writing is spectacular and this chapter had me internally sobbing. Jada finally gets to discover something about the other half of her family (and by extension, herself) only to have that violently ripped away. And Rurik admitting that he's loved his sister, even though she's been taught to hate him and his kind, this entire time... oh goodness. Just, what a great chapter. Kudos to you missroxor. Seriously. (On another note: I was the one who commented on predicting a romance between Jada and Rurik and I have to say the brother/sister relationship is much more interesting. I'm so glad you went this route!)
Oh my God. How could you end it there? WHY would you end it there? I need to know if Rurik lives. I'm very fond of him. Also, I loved the background shots of your truck sequence as it was very realistic. Please, please let everyone be okay! The formatting of your wording (along with the words themselves) made the dialogue especially poignant and practically brought a tear to my eye.
WOAH! The ending! Oh, my! I was not expecting that! Great work with building up that suspense! This makes me have a feeling of hunger for the final chapter! I must know what happens next! Excellent work!
Yeah, yeah, scores. Sniveling brats. I'm just kidding. Sorry it took so long to get these back to you. I realize that it's been almost 10 days since the round closed but we had a lot of stuff going on. Plus, you know, I was hoping that the release of Supernatural would distract anyone from being too interested in these. *dangles them over everyone's head*
Remember, if you have an issue with your scores, please come to me instead of disgruntled posts here or trying to PM the judges.
The scores are averaged between all 3 judges. Instead of rounding to the nearest half point, scores are just rounded to the first decimal.
Contestant | Total |
---|---|
Spladoum | 93.7 |
ReyaD | 96.7 |
Ghost_sdoj | 96.3 |
Viva1994 | 96.3 |
Qnshr5 | 102.0 |
Tamlyn | 103.7 |
Sabri5 | 79.0 |
LadyAwesome | 98.3 |
missroxor | 103.0 |
Spladum
CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
42 | 14 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 0 | 94 | 0 | 94 |
41 | 13 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 0 | 91 | 0 | 91 |
44 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 96 | 0 | 96 |
"There you go, you're back on top with this one. Except for using the bonus, it looks to me as though you got this going very well. There IS hope for the doctor it seems. Also, clearly he's still got it...Nice job on both the excerpt and the bonus, too, no awkwardness here. Nice!"
I'm not going to lie, I love Eric's attitude and aggressiveness when it comes to making his opinions known. He may be a bit of a jerk, but he is willing to say what others aren't, even at the expense of someone's feelings. I don't know, I just find that... an intriguing characteristic of your hero. I also like that you're keeping him in-character while also allowing him to develop slowly as the story progresses. You've managed to make me like him; or at the very least, admire Eric when he is doing good in his own way. Great work, Splad!
I really love what you did with the plot point here. I thought it was expertly used and I feel that you really capture the sometimes hopelessness of what doctors must feel. Yeah, they help one person but sickness keeps coming back. You can never win, just keep fighting. I feel for poor Eric but I hope that, at some point, he loses that cynicism because he seems to be a good doctor when he tries.
Amazing! So much drama and suspense! I just loved it! Each chapter gets better and better each time! Excellent work!
ReyaD
CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
42 | 14 | 10 | 10 | 8 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 17 | 3 | 0 | 92 | 5 | 97 |
42 | 14 | 9 | 10 | 9 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 18 | 3 | 0 | 93 | 4 | 97 |
42 | 15 | 9 | 10 | 8 | 29 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 19 | 3 | 0 | 93 | 5 | 98 |
Now this is how you set up the concluding action! Your character is discovering herself still, and that's ok because she has friends who back her, but she has the courage to face her own battle and to help protect others. Hard not to like her! Nice job on both the excerpt and the bonus, too, that flowed smoothly. The only real problem is that I had to hunt for the bonus entry (That's supposed to be bolded or at least italicized). Otherwise, great entry!.
Man, Liam was really quite the villain; at least until we met the boss briefly and Liam well... died. Juliette's demonstration of her abilities on the other Freaks made her all the more intimidating and I'm excited for the potential showdown with mysterious boss dude. Fantastic cliffhanger, Reya! I'm anxious to read more.
I feel as though the plot point could have used a bit more work though it was on its way there. Your bonus wasn't noted in any way though I did recognize it. I feel that you really left us on the edge here, wanting to know what will happen. However, I am possibly more intrigued by the love connection between Dene and Daniel, mostly because he is "not a freak" and I believe it was mentioned Dene's been doing this a long time so I wonder how they met and fell in love.
Great work! I love the originality of the storyline! Not only that, but the conflict mixed between making it whole and original The only thing you forgot was to italicize your quote, which is apart of the requirements. I am looking forward to the final chapter!
Ghost_sdoj
CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
43 | 14 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 18 | 3 | 1 | 94 | 5 | 99 |
41 | 15 | 8 | 10 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 10 | 8 | 17 | 3 | 1 | 90 | 5 | 95 |
40 | 14 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 26 | 10 | 8 | 8 | 20 | 3 | 1 | 90 | 5 | 95 |
"LOL I love how you used the thought bubbles to direct the story, that was funny! This is another good chapter for you.Not as much action, but a lot more answers. In fact, it could *almost* be resolved right here, leaving more adventure for the next ""novella"". (I'm exaggerating the scope of what you've done, I know, but you get the idea, I think). Of course, it's so close to ""done"" that you went over the word count. By quite a bit, I might add. However, nice job on both the excerpt and the bonus, too, that flowed smoothly. Good job! "
You went over the word count, so I had to dock a point in the rules section (unfortunately). I have to say, I like living Lord Alfric much better than his ghostly counterpart. I can't wait to read about/see Kylara and Lord Alfric take on Greymane!
Some of the dialogue seemed a little too scripted/stiff but, overall, I think this was a really good chapter. Now that the ghost is gone, I like Lord Alfric much, much more. I really loved your use of the quote and, if it hadn't been bolded, I might have thought it was something you came up with yourself. Now just to meet and deal with this Greymane.
Great job this round! I can tell you are truly dedicated to this story and I love that! Also, you did go over the word count which is something you might want to watch out for in the final round!
Viva1994
CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
40 | 14 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 16 | 4 | 0 | 90 | 5 | 95 |
40 | 14 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 17 | 4 | 0 | 90 | 5 | 95 |
42 | 15 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 94 | 5 | 99 |
"Oh NOES! They can't die! That is sad. On to the story itself. I found the flow a little clunky again. Partly, I think you needed to re-read yourself. Although we're not supposed to judge grammar, using the words you meant to use does help. For instance, in the scene where Valentina returns, setting the whole place on fire, I had to re-read the passage to keep the characters straight because there was a liberal use of the pronoun ""she"", in a conversation between two female characters. Overall, good story, I do look forward to seeing how this ends."
I'm glad that Suzanna was able to "save" Bram; although both of their survival, particularly his, is up for debate. And Suzanna flirting with Jacob was hilarious. She was so hopelessly out of her element being the flirty, overly seductive woman that it made both her and Jacob's discomfort of the situation understandable. I think that's why I like Suzanna so much - she's willing to take the reigns in any situation and hopefully turn the tables in her favor. I hope she is able to not only get herself, but poor Bram out of that warehouse safely!
This chapter made me laugh a lot from the picture of Jacob dragging her across the floor to her very strange attempt at verbal seduction. I think you did a pretty good job though I did get a little disoriented at the last dialogue bits between Suzanna and, I think, Valentina.
Oooo! Awesome! The originality is back! I can smell it! The event was even better! You had me sitting at the edge of my seat! I am looking forward to the final chapter!
Qnshr5
CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 98 | 5 | 103 |
44 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 97 | 4 | 101 |
45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 28 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 96 | 5 | 101 |
"I *have* to comment on pic #6, what a great shot! Great stuff, I'd love to know the secret...Looks like Brio is going to make a last stand. I find myself wishing this weren't almost over..."
I think this is one of my favorite chapters from you, simply because there was a level of introspection mixed with action that just worked so well together. I also want to point out that your staging for your pictures was fantastic, especially given the scenes you were (successfully) portraying. Great, great job.
The first quote was a little off, mostly due to first/third person disagreement in the statement which jarred the flow a bit. Second quote was spot on though. The story itself though...wow. I was practically holding my breath the whole time. What a horrible situation to be in. I feel so bad for Helena because, no matter what her choices are, there doesn't seem to be a happy ending in her future.
Let me just say something. WOAH! Holy crap! That was intense! Excellent, Excellent work! You did an amazing job with the scenery and the event! I still can't get over how well you did that chapter! Now all you need to do is keep that same momentum in the final chapter
Tamlyn
CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 100 | 5 | 105 |
44 | 15 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 99 | 5 | 104 |
43 | 15 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 97 | 5 | 102 |
Tamlyn! This *is* a great chapter, well done! The action moved smoothly, your characters are well developed, and the surprise of it being the young fire chief's daughter is a brilliant stroke. Good job!
Just to be consistent with my comments, I have to say that your pictures and staging were fantastic (as usual). The end of this chapter left me with bated breath! Is Matt going to be okay? Is Zoe going to be able to get all of them out of there safely (we all know she's immune to fire, but the other two certainly aren't!). What is going to happen to Jillian once her father and the rest of the town find out? Or will Zoe be somehow framed for everything?! Arrggghhh! I want to read how this all unfolds RIGHT NOW! Fantastic job, Tamlyn and as you can tell I'm going to be waiting impatiently for your next installment.
Damn, damn! Please let naked dog-Matt be okay! I think you did a good job of using both the quotes and I was also very pleased to see how you used the plot point. Jill may think she is doing it for the betterment of the fire department or whatever but she is truly just nuts. I do hope that our heroine is able to find a way out of this mess.
Excellent work! The only thing that made me concerned is that this might have fit in well with the climax instead of with the falling action. But maybe not. It was overall great dedication and work and the suspense that hid itself made me tingle inside!
Sabri5
CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
44 | 15 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 9 | 0 | 9 | 0 | 18 | 3 | 1 | 75 | 5 | 80 |
41 | 14 | 9 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 0 | 10 | 0 | 18 | 3 | 1 | 73 | 5 | 78 |
43 | 14 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 0 | 10 | 0 | 19 | 3 | 1 | 76 | 5 | 81 |
"That's too bad about the pictures. Can you reconstruct your set for the next round? I hadn't imagined this would be such a disaster, but the presence or absence of pictures is out of 20 Anyway, I'm really sorry for you about that. Good continuation. The tension is palpable, and I'm glad to learn ""Ammy"" (hehehe!) isn't being herself. Can't wait to see what the problem is and how it gets resolved. Also, you forgot to italicize or bold your bonus entry, I had to hunt for it. "
It's a shame there were no pictures this chapter, but I can definitely sympathize with your situation. We've all been there. Anyway, I was a little confused during certain bits; mainly because more clarification during conversations (who was talking to who) was in order. Despite that though, I still enjoyed reading your entry! Samara is turning out to be an interesting addition to the story and I'm intrigued to read about what is possibly possessing her and how it can be stopped!
I'm a little confused on how the plot point played in with the chapter. I also got lost during bits of the dialogue and trying to follow what exactly was going on. I'm not sure if it was because there were pictures missing or frustration at not being able to take pictures showing through. Either way, I do hope to see what happens and find out exactly what is wrong with Samara.
That seriously sucks about the picture issue! I am so sorry! - Your story was good and you did an excellent job setting the scene with your words. Unfortunately, you forgot to italicize your quote, which is a requirement. I hope you can get everything solved, and if not.. I hope you still proceed with your story! It's very good!
LadyAwesome
CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
42 | 14 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 95 | 4 | 99 |
43 | 15 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 0 | 94 | 4 | 98 |
41 | 15 | 9 | 9 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 93 | 5 | 98 |
Your stories are good. It's a real pleasure to read them. Can I just suggest you use spell check, though? Occasionally misspelled words break up the flow or reading, making the reader go back and re-read to get your meaning. Otherwise, great job!
Ooh! More suspense this chapter. The parts where Ala was potentially discovering Marie's "relationship" with Verne and her son via the different rooms and actually reading/seeing her distress over it was a nice (I feel weird saying "nice" when it was actually quite sad) story development. I also did not see that romance between Ala and Lottie coming at.all. Great work this installment, Lady and I can't wait to read how this story finishes.
Marie is certainly an unpleasant, greedy person, isn't she? I'm glad that Lottie found a way to get to Ala, even in her subconscious and was surprised at the romance (?) that blossomed there. Now just to find out what the conclusion will bring to Ala and the rest.
I am a little confused about what is happening..but I like it! I sense some type of symbolism.. and I love symbolism! I can't wait to see where this goes! Keep it up in your final chapter!
missroxor
CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 99 | 5 | 104 |
45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 99 | 5 | 104 |
44 | 15 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 96 | 5 | 101 |
Ok, this almost made me cry. Beautiful story, beautiful pics, great flow, this chapter's a winner in my book. Well done!
Again, wow! I feel like I'm always writing the same comments for your chapters because they almost always leave me with some sort of awe at the end. Your writing is spectacular and this chapter had me internally sobbing. Jada finally gets to discover something about the other half of her family (and by extension, herself) only to have that violently ripped away. And Rurik admitting that he's loved his sister, even though she's been taught to hate him and his kind, this entire time... oh goodness. Just, what a great chapter. Kudos to you missroxor. Seriously. (On another note: I was the one who commented on predicting a romance between Jada and Rurik and I have to say the brother/sister relationship is much more interesting. I'm so glad you went this route!)
Oh my God. How could you end it there? WHY would you end it there? I need to know if Rurik lives. I'm very fond of him. Also, I loved the background shots of your truck sequence as it was very realistic. Please, please let everyone be okay! The formatting of your wording (along with the words themselves) made the dialogue especially poignant and practically brought a tear to my eye.
WOAH! The ending! Oh, my! I was not expecting that! Great work with building up that suspense! This makes me have a feeling of hunger for the final chapter! I must know what happens next! Excellent work!
Heaven Sims | Avendale Legacy
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
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