You guys may or may not know I have a teen (he's now 18) I home schooled for the last 6 years. He has either AS (very high functioning autism) or delayed processing (we think it's more this than the first). Well, he graduated from high school and we didn't make post high plans. Part of it was my fault. I just was burnt out by the end of the school year (June). I also got sick in May and June and found out I have some health issues that I have to monitor (nothing major, but just annoying). All my get up and get him "with it" kind of went out the window this summer of doctors/being sick, extreme heat.

I'm also very sad. So many of my relatives have kids going off to university but he's not.
I went to college and graduate school and always thought my son would but the years crept up so fast and we've had many financial issues keeping us from saving money to afford college for him. Also, I won't go into debt for this until he is ready.

Okay, so I want to hear from you guys. What can I do to help him "become more responsible" as an adult. He's not wild or disobedient or anything. He's very mature in some ways and compliant if I ask him to do something. However, he doesn't have a lot of direction or idea what to do post high school and isn't ready for university. We've done some online classes (I have to guide him) for free but I can't afford to pay for anything right now.

He isn't into drinking or smoking or drugs. Like I said, he has his head on straight.

We're living in an area where there isn't a lot for him. He really only has one friend who is 2 years younger and light years ahead of him in socializing/doing things. This boy's parents are well off and educated so they push him to keep constantly busy. He's college bound and has a job where as their weekly gaming sessions (if the kid has nothing better on) is all my son has right now socially. This angers my husband who feels my son is just "a buffer" for when his friend has nothing else to do. We mothers organize the gaming (we are friends). The boys seem to just play and have little conversation. I've tried to get them to do other social things together (movies, whatever) and we've been told okay but nothing has come of it. Yes, it's frustrating but people here are "standoffish."

I need some of your ideas how to help my son successfully be motivated to do more. We're not happy (my husband or me) where we live as it's not where we want to be (too rural, not very much to do, bad economic prospects) but we have to stay until we find work in another place.

I hate to see his teenage years wasted sitting around (he likes to read a lot, loves anime, animation, writing and videogames). I spend most of my day with him but I eventually need to get a job so we can afford to live better/move. I've worked on life skills over and over and will keep at it. He loves his video games and would play for hours but we limit them (or he actually self limits). I play with him as well so he is "not alone" doing them.

He says he doesn't mind being alone but I am sure he's a bit lonely for a real friend or girl friend. I want him to be around his peers and be happy.

Can you guys tell me from your experiences what worked for you? What doesn't? What motivates you to "become more adult and independent?" I want him to be a happy adult and have a full life. I know it will take him longer than others but any advice to this worried and stressed mother would be great. Thank you.

Have you talked with him to see what he thinks? Could be there's something he wants to do with his life, such as a career within a spesific field. Having a dream or a goal to work toward can be good for him, and if he's motivated, it probably will be easier for him to reach it. If he's not sure what he wants, you can help him find something that is within what he can handle. Just don't decide anything over his head. Age-wise, he's a grown-up now, so try your best to treat him as such. If you're not already doing so, let him have responsibilities and chores as long as he's living at home. Cleaning out the dishwasher, help cleaning the house, and so forth. Helps in regard to future work, and for feeling useful.

In any case, going around doing nothing at all isn't beneficial for anyone at his age. Maybe there's a job in town he can get, to save up money for school (there's always writing or art classes, or even classes to learn animation - if that's within his interests). Earning his own money and having responsibilities can be of help. He sounds like a good kid, and with some support and adaption there shouldn't be much in the way of him going to college or having a job.

I don't have much experience with autism or aspergers, but over the years I've worked in healthcare, I've come across several youths and young adults with various difficulties, both within physical and mental health (and very often a combination). Several had a job and a good life, functioning because they had the support and network they needed. Of course, some do fall behind because their health condition is too poor, but most of the time they simply don't get the support they need. Just because one job or school/class is too hard doesn't have to mean the person can't do something else instead.

If you're in the US, "mature and obedient" is usually a pretty good recipe for the armed forces if he's reasonably in shape. I mean, it's a steady job contract measured in years and it comes with OTJ training, credits for college, and professionals whose entire existence is about taking people who don't know what else to do with their lives and shaping them up. I can't say for the rest of the world, different notions of what a soldier is and all that. But in the US there's always room for people who naturally keep their head down and just do what they're told to do.

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate the comments and thought put into them. Sometimes you have to hear advice from someone out of your circle to realize what you have to do.

As a girl with AS (We exist, making up 20% of the AS affected population), I had slight guidance through lists, graphs, charts, reward\attendance sheets. My parents usually used these methods.

Also, if you're familiar with Family Guy's storyline flows, where the main story segues in to any unrelated territory for a short period of time and segueing back into the storyline, this sums up my brain's train of thought. To be more specific, think of my train of thought as an actual train and the interruptions are stops along the lines.

I find myself sometimes laughing at inside jokes I have yet to share. When I get caught, I have to spill the beans and share my jokes. This is as far as behavior goes.

I'm 49 and I have aspergers (and ADHD too).
Your description of the area you live is ... a really wonderful place for autistic people. I can imagine that your son enjoys it. Don't be sad, that he only has 2 friends. I also have just a few friends. Social contact is exhausting for people with autism. I don't feel lonely and I'm sure your son doesn't feel lonely too. Don't force him to socialize.

You want him to have a girlfriend, but relationships are problematic and maybe he doesn't want it. There are many issues for an autist to reject a relationship. Sensory and/or emotional issues.

Let him "sit around". Please! It's important for him to have his special interests. For me, they are calming me down, I can relax and this is important.

I can't give advice but I have the feeling that you don't know much about Aspergers? I know a wonderful autistic blogger who will answer questions if you need help to understand your son better. Do not judge him by neurotypical standards.

Yes, this is exactly what I wanted to comment but I couldn't find the right words. I don't have Aspergers (at least, I don't think I do?), so I can't fully relate, but I am extremely introverted and have sensory issues. Forcing him to live a "normal" life is just going to make him extremely unhappy. A couple of friends fills the basic need for social contact that we all have, but some of us simply don't want more than that. I mean, as long as I say hi to my parents during the day and make small talk with my coworkers a couple times a week, I'm fine. That's as much as I can handle, really.

His hobbies might appear to be a waste of time to you, but they aren't to him. They make him happy. The Sims might be a waste of time to someone else, but it makes you happy, right? In the end, all that matters is people being safe and happy and helping others to be the same way. How we get there doesn't matter much.

Must agree with VampireSim wholeheartedly, as someone whos brother is extremely autistic to the point of being unable to go out by himself. He had his ups and downs growing up, but in recent years has become the most difficult. The last I heard from my mum, he refuses to look at the television and covers his ears when entering the same room as one. He's also had a lifelong thing about sweets/candy and their packaging. Not sure if it's the bright colours, but he refuses to be in the same vicinity as them. As a child it was near impossible to have him wear anything beyond underwear. There's just a million little things about him that, to us, would be considered oddities. Over the years however I've had moments of thinking that *we* need to learn from *him*. There's a sort of innocence in the autistic and I'm so glad that my parents understand him to the degree of not forcing him into a "normal" life, because to him it would be anything but normal.

I'm not autistic myself (though honestly I have my moments of wondering!) but I am also very introverted and can relate to the sheer anxiety and stress that can be induced by certain situations, especially when they're new and you feel powerless to them i.e. not having a say for yourself.

Every person with autism is their own unique case, and by the sounds your son is much less severe, however I'd still like to stress the importance of compromise and meeting a middle ground with him in anything especially when it comes to his comfort zone. My brother couldn't even do highschool, let alone college or university, but that does not make him any less a human being deserving of love and care. My parents will always care for him and if something should ever happen to them, I or my other brother will care for him. I've mentally vowed to myself many times that I'll never see him cared for by anyone else, as he is literally only comfortable around his immediate family. Anyone else, he's very stressed, and most people would not know how to handle him. Even the specialists only have a baseline to go by with autism, since it varies so much.

Aspergers and autism are similar, but also very different. Aspergers is a much milder variant, and a lot of people who has it can function relatively well. I know of at least two people with aspergers, and while they are somewhat different, they do function along with other people, even if they may prefer being alone at times, or have certain strange behavior issues.

Autism is very often aspergers times a hundred (or more), and the affected person tends to have much greater difficulties in socializing and managing things like jobs, school or other things that needs focus, depending on how severe the condition affects them. Some might be unable to function at all in any social settings, including in their own home.

Every person with autism and aspergers is different, and whether or not they'll manage job or school or other similar situations depends on each individual person. Some of them might not be able to handle social sitiuations at all. But the solution doesn't have to be complete isolation and not even bothering to try them out. Sometimes, exposing them to their environment can help them grow and learn. Some might benefit from a 'doing the same thing every day' kind of job that other people might find tedious or boring, while others can learn to handle challenges.

Meeting him on the middle ground seems like a good way to go. Let him have a say in what he wants to do, but don't let him just wither away in a corner of his room, playing videogames all day. Maybe college might be too much - but there are things like internet courses, or just going to the library to study, or perhaps taking one or two classes, and taking things slowly. Maybe a full-time job is too much to handle, but a couple of days a week or a few hours a day at a job that isn't too difficult can be the thing he needs at first.

Try to be clear with him and give him plenty of warnings if he is doing something to piss you off. If you ground him or ban him from something, for him it might come out of left field. As for work, try to get him into some kind of job training for something repetitive.