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- Story Time Contest: Hero Edition
#126
9th Jul 2012 at 6:26 PM
9th Jul 2012 at 6:26 PM
The jump drive works in the computers at the library. It works (well, used to work) in the computer that died. It works on the laptop. But this computer refuses to acknowledge that it exists, even though the printer works if I plug it into any of the ports that the jump drive doesn't work in. I can't even get it to work in the port that the mouse is using. And they are all Windows computers.
But my husband has an old MP3 player that he says works on this computer, so I guess I can use that as a jump drive.
I am Ghost. My husband is sidneydoj. I post, he downloads, and I wanted to keep my post count.
Group for Avatar Makers* Funny Stories *2017 Yearbook
But my husband has an old MP3 player that he says works on this computer, so I guess I can use that as a jump drive.
I am Ghost. My husband is sidneydoj. I post, he downloads, and I wanted to keep my post count.
Group for Avatar Makers* Funny Stories *2017 Yearbook
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#127
9th Jul 2012 at 6:35 PM
9th Jul 2012 at 6:35 PM
Posts: 383
Thanks: 561 in 3 Posts
Glad you've found a solution, Ghost. 
#128
9th Jul 2012 at 10:49 PM
9th Jul 2012 at 10:49 PM
Posts: 51
Ahh so many amazing stories! I am so glad to be participating with so many amazing writers! I can't wait until the scores are out and I get to read your next chapters.
I am so clueless as to what to do for the hero 'costume'. I have an idea... but its not really a costume, more like something the character always wears... I hope that counts because I will include a back story around the objects as well.... Don't worry, there is a method to my madness, all things will tie together in the end. :D
~meli
I am so clueless as to what to do for the hero 'costume'. I have an idea... but its not really a costume, more like something the character always wears... I hope that counts because I will include a back story around the objects as well.... Don't worry, there is a method to my madness, all things will tie together in the end. :D
~meli
"Don't mistake coincidence for fate."
~Mr. Eko, LOST
~Mr. Eko, LOST
#129
10th Jul 2012 at 6:42 AM
10th Jul 2012 at 6:42 AM
Well, my story really doesn't provide a "costume" per se. Guess there's no bonus points for me this round :P
#130
10th Jul 2012 at 7:32 AM
10th Jul 2012 at 7:32 AM
Posts: 3,720
Thanks: 27182 in 66 Posts
Quote: Originally posted by ForeverCamp
|
Well, my story really doesn't provide a "costume" per se. Guess there's no bonus points for me this round :P
|
Every hero has a costume Camp. Every. Single. One. Geez, get with the program. /me may be a bit drunk.
Seriously though, be creative. That's what this whole contest is about. It doesn't have to be neon and spandex.
Also:
Quote: Originally posted by ForeverCamp
| By "summary", heaven, do you mean a brief overview of what's going on in the story? |
Mostly would be a thing similar to "previously on"... Sapphira escaped to find birth parents, got knocked up by deep-throat guy without getting any actual answers. Blah-dee-blah.
Heaven Sims | Avendale Legacy
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
#131
10th Jul 2012 at 7:48 AM
10th Jul 2012 at 7:48 AM
Well, Sapphira IS pretty much living in her martial arts outfit. SO COMFY OMG.
#132
10th Jul 2012 at 7:55 AM
10th Jul 2012 at 7:55 AM
Posts: 1,114
Thanks: 255 in 5 Posts
Quote: Originally posted by ForeverCamp
| Well, Sapphira IS pretty much living in her martial arts outfit. SO COMFY OMG. |
You ever taken actual martial arts? SO NOT COMFY.
Sensei said they'd get comfier as time passed... sensei lied to us.
#133
10th Jul 2012 at 8:12 AM
10th Jul 2012 at 8:12 AM
I didn't get the chance to do it earlier but here's my CC credits
Guys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun. ~ Monica E. Geller
Poses: Traelia, alistair, CloudwalkerNZ, Spladoum and CMO - pose player
Skin: Navetsea
Eyes: Escand's Oh My eyes
Hair: Beaverhausen/Peggy and Texture replacements of EA hair by Aikea Guinea (Club Crimsyn)
Clothes: All-About-Style.com (army jumper)
Foggy World: Silent Hill from the exchange. (One of the pics focuses on a lot, “Road to Nowhere” by feldynn that was included in the world)
Other:
Arisuka - There’s a sim in there that I believe was Ari’s but he’s not a main character and you don’t actually see his face in the pics just the back of his head.
Arisuka – Blood stains (face) and face contour make-up. Also, think the eye bags might be hers too.
Cloudwalkerz - Hardballer (gun)
Aikea Guinea (Club Crimsyn) – Industrial Siding
Skin: Navetsea
Eyes: Escand's Oh My eyes
Hair: Beaverhausen/Peggy and Texture replacements of EA hair by Aikea Guinea (Club Crimsyn)
Clothes: All-About-Style.com (army jumper)
Foggy World: Silent Hill from the exchange. (One of the pics focuses on a lot, “Road to Nowhere” by feldynn that was included in the world)
Other:
Arisuka - There’s a sim in there that I believe was Ari’s but he’s not a main character and you don’t actually see his face in the pics just the back of his head.
Arisuka – Blood stains (face) and face contour make-up. Also, think the eye bags might be hers too.
Cloudwalkerz - Hardballer (gun)
Aikea Guinea (Club Crimsyn) – Industrial Siding
Guys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun. ~ Monica E. Geller
#134
10th Jul 2012 at 8:15 AM
Last edited by missroxor : 10th Jul 2012 at 8:34 AM.
10th Jul 2012 at 8:15 AM
Last edited by missroxor : 10th Jul 2012 at 8:34 AM.
Quote: Originally posted by heaven
|
Also: Mostly would be a thing similar to "previously on"... Sapphira escaped to find birth parents, got knocked up by deep-throat guy without getting any actual answers. Blah-dee-blah. |
Sapphira got knocked up from deep-throating? That guy really does have super powers! :p
/me pat pats drunk Heaven
Edit: Makes much more sense now that I've read the story
Still though...lol.
Guys, rules are good! Rules help control the fun. ~ Monica E. Geller
#135
10th Jul 2012 at 2:58 PM
10th Jul 2012 at 2:58 PM
Posts: 51
Hahaha I just realized that I kinda started a trend with the whole 'spoiler' things. haha :D
And now my point to this message lol::
I forgot to say who my side kick was in my post.
I didn't go in depth with the side kick in that chapter, but i will. He is mentioned tho, so I dont know if it counts towards the bonus.
Should I edit the thing and put a side note or something to say that I have a sidekick for my main character?
And now my point to this message lol::
I forgot to say who my side kick was in my post.
I didn't go in depth with the side kick in that chapter, but i will. He is mentioned tho, so I dont know if it counts towards the bonus.
Should I edit the thing and put a side note or something to say that I have a sidekick for my main character?
"Don't mistake coincidence for fate."
~Mr. Eko, LOST
~Mr. Eko, LOST
#136
10th Jul 2012 at 4:45 PM
10th Jul 2012 at 4:45 PM
Posts: 740
Thanks: 124 in 2 Posts
Oh, shoot. I forgot about the deadline. Not that it mattered, I was stuck in a house with no internet anyway and I hadn't been able to get all my pics, just about half. Anyway, even though I missed entering, I've loved the stories so far and I'll definitely follow along. Good luck to all of the entrants! You're all amazing.
#137
10th Jul 2012 at 6:00 PM
10th Jul 2012 at 6:00 PM
Posts: 3,720
Thanks: 27182 in 66 Posts
Quote: Originally posted by Melibee1323
|
Hahaha I just realized that I kinda started a trend with the whole 'spoiler' things. haha :D And now my point to this message lol:: I forgot to say who my side kick was in my post. I didn't go in depth with the side kick in that chapter, but i will. He is mentioned tho, so I dont know if it counts towards the bonus. Should I edit the thing and put a side note or something to say that I have a sidekick for my main character? |
No, you didn't have to mention who your sidekick was. Actually, for those that did, it won't actually affect judging. As mentioned in the OP, it should be obvious from the story itself and shouldn't have to be explained. It's nice to have at the end but won't help or hurt your score at all.
Heaven Sims | Avendale Legacy
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
#138
10th Jul 2012 at 11:18 PM
10th Jul 2012 at 11:18 PM
Posts: 293
Just finished reading all the stories from last fall's contest. Wow. They were amazing! I'm slightly intimidated, but mostly greatly inspired. And all the first chapters in this contest are wonderful. I can't wait to find out what happens in all of them.
#139
12th Jul 2012 at 2:44 PM
12th Jul 2012 at 2:44 PM
Quote: Originally posted by Melibee1323
|
Hahaha I just realized that I kinda started a trend with the whole 'spoiler' things. haha :D |
Your spoilers are a great idea! 14 people posting 15 pictures each is going to be a lot for anyone's connection to handle. As I said before, I wish I had thought of it, and I congratulate you on having thought of it.
/offtopic
When are we going to get scores? And can we get comments as well? (Please?)
I am Ghost. My husband is sidneydoj. I post, he downloads, and I wanted to keep my post count.
Group for Avatar Makers* Funny Stories *2017 Yearbook
#140
12th Jul 2012 at 3:24 PM
12th Jul 2012 at 3:24 PM
Posts: 3,720
Thanks: 27182 in 66 Posts
I've just got all the scores in. I am at work now but will put them together and post them when I get home this evening. As for comments, each contestant will get comments at that time as well. Be on the lookout!
Heaven Sims | Avendale Legacy
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
#141
13th Jul 2012 at 3:38 AM
Last edited by heaven : 14th Jul 2012 at 4:18 PM.
13th Jul 2012 at 3:38 AM
Last edited by heaven : 14th Jul 2012 at 4:18 PM.
Posts: 3,720
Thanks: 27182 in 66 Posts
Round 1 Scores
Hello everyone and welcome to the first set of scores. I hope we didn't keep you waiting too long! First, let me just say congratulations on a job well done to each of you. Second, please be aware that individual scores are not in order of judges listed on the original post. Also, if you have an issue with your scores, please come to me instead of disgruntled posts here or trying to PM the judges.
The scores are averaged between all 3 judges. Instead of rounding to the nearest half point, scores are just rounded to the first decimal. Also, please remember that if everyone gets their next round in before the deadline, we can start Round 3 sooner!
Spladum
Very nice and original story so far, though it did have some unrealistic dialogue occasionally. Your words are very well said and create a sense of reality
First off, thanks for being brave enough to go first. Secondly, I was intrigued by your main caracter and somewhat amused by his sidekick. I'm excited to see where this goes.
A fantastic start to your story. Your hero is wonderfully tragic (I feel weird putting those two words together like this, but it's the only way I can explain your story/character) and I seriously love his sidekick/assistant. The integration of strong characterization really brings your story together well. Kudos.
What a horribly sad beginning. So plausible and realistic. I especially like Mrs. Hallenbeck. She doesn't take his crap. The flashback part was especially touching and very well written. I can't wait to discover what will happen to our main character.
ReyaD
Good story so far. You did have some areas where the words didn't seem to describe the area around the character.. and you seemed to drift from third person to first person a little.. but not to a point where many people would notice. Great work!
Well that was unexpected, in a good way! Your main character already shows signs of having some serious depth to her, and her sidekick, although not currently all that funny, is clearly the light-hearted sort. I can't wait to see how the story continues.
This story is certainly original. A heroine with telepathic powers that she's not able to fully control at times - uh, yes please! I can already tell I'm going to love the relationship/slight dichotomy between Denebola and Juliette. What kind of sidekick is Denebola going to be? I was left a little confused on that point.
I want to know more about both Juliette and Dene's past to discover what tricks they have and how they have them. This has all the beginnings of a great story. For your sidekick, I'm not quite sure what roll Dene is playing right now. She seems to be the hypercompetent but it's not too clear at the moment.
ForeverCamp
Very well put together story! The way you flowed throughout the story was pure talent as well as your ability to keep me at the edge of my seat, wondering what night happen next!
LOVE how you started this. Your introduction sets the mood right away. I also loved how your main caracter started out all "Aw, isn't she adorable?" then turned into "Problem Child". I totally want to hate her, which makes this an interesting start indeed. Plus the cliffhanger! Very dangerous in a game where you're not sure what will be thrown you way next. I'm on pins and needles! Having said that, it seems clear that this chick wants to go it alone, and therefore no sidekick... though I can imagine Artie showing up later,whether she likes it or not. Or will he be a villain?
Can I just say how much I adore your heroine? She's extremely well-written and multifaceted for having just introduced her. However, I am a little confused as to which category your hero falls within - as of right now, she seems to be an amalgamation between the badass bookworm, the chosen one (it seems like a good setup for this anyway, given that she doesn't know who her parents are), and possibly even the knight in sour armor... I'm excited to read your heroine's shenanigans in future chapters. You already have (seemingly) unintended pregnancy covered. What else could go wrong?!
Very interesting start. Sapphira seems to be a vibrant character who is very well developed. I love the sarcasm she "thinks" with. It really makes her stand out. I'm still not quite sure which of the 4 types she is though which is the one downfall of your story.
Melibee1323
The originality of the story was awesome! and I love how it really tied in with everything and made so much sense near the end! Though, I had a little hard time following who was talking and imagining the area around them.. other than that.. awesome job!
Great start! You've made the main character's sub-type very clear to me, and the story flows well from present to past. I like using the device of the storyteller to fill in her background. Can't wait to read the next part.
This is shaping up to be an intriguing story. Having the sordid tale of your heroine told from the perspective of another is an interesting, and fantastic, twist. Poor, poor Suki; trapped in the dangerous/cruel business of her father. Great start.
I love that your main character's story is actually being told through the eyes of the Sidekick. Bohdin is shaping up well to become the Moral Compass. It took me a few reads to follow which characters were talking and to whom but your explanation of the honorifics at the end were helpful. Definitely want more!
Ghost_sdoj
The flow of the story was a little iffy, but overall the story was great! There were certain spots that had me lost on who was talking and what was really going on. On the other hand, you staged the area quite nicely and I wanted to give you kudos for that!
Before I begin, I want to thank you for the spoiler tag idea, that was a stroke of genius! Now, on to my critique... I assumed the clearly powerful Lord Alfric is NOT meant to be the sidekick, as that would be unusual. I found your prologue very original, and your main character rather sympathetic. Here's hoping she can find a bit of what she needs by the time the contest is over!
I think what I like about this story the most is that Kylara's relationship with her new "father" is mysterious. I mean, I know I would be freaked out if someone was able to control my body as he did; Kylara certainly seemed a bit perturbed by it, and rightly so. My only nitpick is I'm not entirely sure what kind of sidekick her father is (or going to be), if he is one at all. My assumption is he's in the "hypercompetent" category, but only time will tell. A great first installment, Ghost.
What a fantastic use of the Makeover plot point! Very creative. I won't lie, some of the technical stuff made my head hurt a bit but I was able to follow. I think Kylara got in a bit over her head accepting this strange man as her father. I'm deciding on whether the father is a sidekick or villian. Maybe both?
Viva1994
I really appreciated the originality of the story! The characters occasionally seemed to lack natural reaction, but most of it was very believable.
I got a little lost in your story, I'm not sure if it was rushed or what exactly happened there. However, I find the idea compelling, and that's half the battle, right? I didn't feel Suzanna's persona was explained well enough; to me there is a clear lack of depth. It's a sketch, not a full picture. I do like that the sidekick is in distress, that's a refreshing change. I look forward to the rest.
Woot for the Sims 2 entry! It's nostalgic, indeed. I enjoyed the premise of your story and your setup was well done. It will be interesting to read how Suzanna will save Bram from this situation - and whether she'll have to decide between her friend and her duty in the future.
Your story was a bit jumbled and Suzanna's thoughts were all over the place making her not as developed as she could have been. The excerpt was a bit awkwardly placed, rather as an afterthought. I do think this is leading up to something good, especially noticing her disappointment that Bram was getting lucky and her almost immediate thought that he was NOT a monster. Are we getting a love story? Definite creative use of the plot point. Kudos for that!
Qnshr5
Amazing flow and choice of words! Already a couple of sentences in and I was hooked! I lost you near the end though.. but otherwise, you had me at the edge of my seat
Your story completely drew me in. The plot was fast-paced, interesting, compelling. Adding the introduction of the mystery woman (Is Lorie really Brio? Stayed tuned!) just put an exclamation point to the whole thing. It wasn't clear to me what kind of person your sidekick is, however, so I docked you a bit for that. I can't wait to read the rest!
What an exciting beginning! The setup for the robbery was flawless, building up the necessary drama beforehand, and Helena is the perfect heroine for such a story. It will be interesting to read how the rest of your (and Helena's) story unravels. I'm happy to be along for the ride!
Whoa, whoa, fantastic opening. The intro scene, the cut to two days later, it all flowed so well together. It was obvious who your character was though there is also the air of mystery about her. The cliffhanger is brilliant. I cannot wait to read more. Sarah as sidekick is still a little ambiguous though.
waterjay
Terrific job with how original the plot line was and how the story kept me going. Each event flowed to one another like they should and the characters had their own mysteries that made me care even more about them! Once again, outstanding work!
That was fun! I'm loving the creativity with your main character, the only thing missing was *how* he came to "their" attention... and who "they" are, of course. I hope you get to explore that next chapter.
Man - Marcus sure has it tough. Being kidnapped, imprisoned, and experimented on? Poor guy. I'm interested to read how he got where he is currently and what exactly these doctors and/or scientists are looking for. And I'm still unsure as to which hero category Marcus falls within, so I hope that is cleared up in future chapters. Great start and I can't wait to read where this is going.
I'd definitely like to know how Marcus got captured. I don't trust Amanda and want to know the connection to his mother. I am so far unable to determine what type of sidekick she is. Comic relief maybe? Am more unsure of which hero Marcus is. Am leaning towards Chosen One but it is unclear to me.
Tamlyn
I loved the way your story flowed from one event to the next and how that allowed you to picture everything in your mind.. even the character's emotions! Awesome work!
Cliffhanger! What we thought we knew is not the whole story! That's a good thing, of course. However, it wasn't clear to me what archetype the sidekick is, and honestly, given Matt's anger (who I presume is the sidekick), I wasn't sure he is or should be the sidekick. Nonetheless, I can't wait to see which direction you take this. Thank you.
You definitely fulfilled the "mysterious past" requirement. I'm itching to find out how (or why) Zoe got her power and what exactly is going on with these crazy fires. I do want to point out that your writing is stellar and I enjoyed reading your prologue from beginning to end - also, I love Matt. 'Nuff said. This is quickly shaping up to be a fantastic story and I'm looking forward to reading about Zoe's journey. (On a random note: Do I spot a Scott Pilgrim quote or are my eyes playing tricks on me? I love it either way).
Wow, I was completely drawn in. It seemed such an normal, natural day, albiet shitty because of wildfire. Then you hit us with that shocker. Now I NEED to know Zoe's past, find out what she is. Her character type is definitely clear. I'm guessing Matt is the sidekick though his type is obscure right now.
Sabri5
Very nice story! The flow kind of stopped its..well..flow near the end and the words began to make me become confused in what was really going on; but I suspect that it's because of the mystery of the story and I love that!
Good, solid start. I appreciate that this chapter stands alone, yet leaves room for further developments. That's actually a very difficult thing to do. I was puzzled that the sidekick is not even someone your main character knows (assuming Sarah's the main character, not her long lost sister). I look forward to more.
My only confusion with your story is who the main character truly is? Is Sarah going to be your heroine or Elizabeth? I'm assuming Elizabeth since her daughter "seems" to be her sidekick (and you picked the atoner category), but it still is unclear. I do, however, like where your story is headed; albeit, I have no idea what's going to happen next. Can't wait to read more!
Your story makes it hard to distinguish who your main character is: Elizabeth or Sarah. It seems like it could go either way. I noticed you listed Samara as your Sidekick but, having not introduced her, it's a bit of a reach. I'd work on your angles for pictures more as well. I look forward to seeing how this develops.
Prawler
I have to admit, your story was a little confusing.. and I'm still trying to figure out what might be going on. Zombie Apocalypse, right? I was thinking it was leading to that.
That doesn't mean your story wasn't good or lacked originality! I really liked and and now I must know more!
I suppose we shouldn't praise you for the use of CC, since that docs you a point, but given that it's essential to your story, I kind of wish I didn't have to doc you. Now, for the actual critique of the story: I got a little confused about the introduction of Delaney; why is she strong? Is she the sidekick? If so, what kind of sidekick is she meant to be? Also, who got kidnapped and what does she have to do with anything? I guess I would recommend not being afraid to max out your word count. It's easier to remove a scene than to make up for it's lack.
I like the premise of a zombie apocalypse, which is perfect for this kind of story, but the story itself is a bit jumbled in places. There are quite a few time-skips and rushed character introductions that left me confused. However, since this is just the prologue, I'm willing to bet everything will be sorted as the contest continues. I'll admit that I'm excited for the possibility of seeing some zombified sims in your story and also learn more about both Ax and Delaney (do I sense a love connection?). Wonderful first entry for your story, Prawler.
I admit, your story was...confusing. I get that there was a zombie apocalypse. From there though, it gets jumbled. How Frank found Ax, how Frank got bit(?), was it Delaney or Ax that brought them back? Or Frank? Who is the sidekick? Is it Delaney now or Frank then? What type of sidekick? I have many questions with no answers so I hope that can be addressed next chapter.
Buckley
The flow of your story seemed a little sketchy, but overall I loved it! Some parts I became a little lost.. but I would soon regain myself. Also, the end of the story made me wanting even more!
Before I comment on the story itself, I have to say, nice lot! I went and took a look, it's perfect for where you're going, and makes your picture-taking job easier! Now, on to my commentary. This story flows very well indeed. Your imagery at the very beginning ("Like maggots feasting on a lion's carcass...") gave me the shivers and certainly gives me hope for the future of your story. I look forward to more!
I just want to take a moment to admire both your pictures and your writing - both are wonderfully descriptive (visibly for the pictures, of course). Emmeline seems like a strong, sensible, courageous character that is willing to do what needs to be done (to exact revenge and deliver that letter, in this case). I love Calix. I dont' have much else to say except "two thumbs up, would read again"!
What a brave setting for a story and you totally pulled it off. Gorgeous screenshots really made me feel IN it. You've set the scenes quite well with both your words and pictures. Calix is a wonderfully creative Sidekick. I find I have a real connection with Emmeline and am hoping for her success. More please!
LadyAwesome
I got a little confused near the end, but I suspect that is because there is more to be explained. I really didn't learn that much about the character, or get a chance to bond with her either. Overall, it was a well put together chapter, though the character bonding might need to be your main focus next time
I got a little confused near the end. I want to know where wolf is too, and if the girl isn't wolf, who is she? WTF is going on??? Still, I'm definitely intrigued, I love how you started, the transition from Ala the observer to Ala the protagonist (Main character) is a great device. Can't wait to read on!
I'm throwing out a complete guess here, but I'm assuming Dog is a shapechanger or something equivalent? If so, that is certainly an interesting development; especially since it (she?) is Ala's sidekick. Your story is a tad confusing in places and character development should be worked on, but given that this is just the prologue, that's only natural. You definitely left me curious as to where your story is going; that's for sure.
Ala definitely seems as though she is struggling with nature. Lottie's role as Moral Compass wasn't quite made clear in this chapter though. Your plot point was somewhat underdeveloped so work on that next chapter. I do like your use of scenes, especially of Ala sitting high above the city. There are a lot of things I am curious about and hope will explained, such as Lottie showing up and who she is that Ala should remember and if she is indeed wolf.
missroxor
Might I say, your story was extremely original and very "pulled my emotion strings" feeling.. ha. what? you know what I mean I really could connect with the character and it left me aging on for more! the flow was a little off, but I still could transfer from one scene to the next. Excellent work!
I want you to know I did doc you for the use of Photoshop, but recognize that it was necessary to illustrate the story properly. No worries there! Otherwise, great introduction. Your main character is well developed, and the use of the excerpt isn't too clunky. It's not yet clear that there will be a sidekick, let alone what his (?) role will be, but that's ok because the story is concise and leaves us wanting more. Well done.
Gingers! Gingers, everywhere! ; ) The Reds' past and how they came to be is certainly intriguing as well as the familial/genealogical connection that your heroine seems to share with a particular Red. Your sidekick introduction is rushed, assuming the guy who gave her the letter *is* her sidekick at all, but other than that - it's a fantastic start. Can't wait to see what those Reds and Jada get up to in the future.
Your character makes me laugh. I love her spunk and determination but have sympathy towards her when she is in the thick of things. I'm quite curious about these Reds and how they came to be savages. Your sidekick introduction is a bit unorthodox and stretching things a bit without the real introduction. Your scenery and set up is perfect for this and I feel as though I could look at the pictures and have a good sense of what is going on. Well done.
Hello everyone and welcome to the first set of scores. I hope we didn't keep you waiting too long! First, let me just say congratulations on a job well done to each of you. Second, please be aware that individual scores are not in order of judges listed on the original post. Also, if you have an issue with your scores, please come to me instead of disgruntled posts here or trying to PM the judges.
The scores are averaged between all 3 judges. Instead of rounding to the nearest half point, scores are just rounded to the first decimal. Also, please remember that if everyone gets their next round in before the deadline, we can start Round 3 sooner!
| Contestant | Total |
|---|---|
| Spladoum | 94.7 |
| ReyaD | 94 |
| ForeverCamp | 96.7 |
| Melibee1323 | 93.3 |
| Ghost_sdoj | 88.7 |
| Viva1994 | 89 |
| Qnshr5 | 98.3 |
| waterjay | 97.3 |
| Tamlyn | 97.3 |
| Sabri5 | 89.7 |
| Prawler | 90.7 |
| Buckley | 98 |
| LadyAwesome | 89 |
| missroxor | 95.7 |
Spladum
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 40 | 13 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 28 | 10 | 10 | 8 | 17 | 4 | 1 | 90 | 5 | 95 |
| 40 | 14 | 8 | 8 | 10 | 28 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 91 | 5 | 96 |
| 38 | 13 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 27 | 10 | 9 | 8 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 88 | 5 | 93 |
Very nice and original story so far, though it did have some unrealistic dialogue occasionally. Your words are very well said and create a sense of reality
First off, thanks for being brave enough to go first. Secondly, I was intrigued by your main caracter and somewhat amused by his sidekick. I'm excited to see where this goes.
A fantastic start to your story. Your hero is wonderfully tragic (I feel weird putting those two words together like this, but it's the only way I can explain your story/character) and I seriously love his sidekick/assistant. The integration of strong characterization really brings your story together well. Kudos.
What a horribly sad beginning. So plausible and realistic. I especially like Mrs. Hallenbeck. She doesn't take his crap. The flashback part was especially touching and very well written. I can't wait to discover what will happen to our main character.
ReyaD
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 42 | 15 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 24 | 10 | 7 | 7 | 15 | 4 | 1 | 86 | 5 | 91 |
| 41 | 14 | 9 | 8 | 10 | 27 | 9 | 8 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 92 | 5 | 97 |
| 40 | 15 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 26 | 10 | 8 | 8 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 89 | 5 | 94 |
Good story so far. You did have some areas where the words didn't seem to describe the area around the character.. and you seemed to drift from third person to first person a little.. but not to a point where many people would notice. Great work!
Well that was unexpected, in a good way! Your main character already shows signs of having some serious depth to her, and her sidekick, although not currently all that funny, is clearly the light-hearted sort. I can't wait to see how the story continues.
This story is certainly original. A heroine with telepathic powers that she's not able to fully control at times - uh, yes please! I can already tell I'm going to love the relationship/slight dichotomy between Denebola and Juliette. What kind of sidekick is Denebola going to be? I was left a little confused on that point.
I want to know more about both Juliette and Dene's past to discover what tricks they have and how they have them. This has all the beginnings of a great story. For your sidekick, I'm not quite sure what roll Dene is playing right now. She seems to be the hypercompetent but it's not too clear at the moment.
ForeverCamp
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 43 | 15 | 8 | 10 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 97 | 0 | 97 |
| 42 | 14 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 29 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 95 | 0 | 95 |
| 44 | 15 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 10 | 9 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 98 | 0 | 98 |
Very well put together story! The way you flowed throughout the story was pure talent as well as your ability to keep me at the edge of my seat, wondering what night happen next!
LOVE how you started this. Your introduction sets the mood right away. I also loved how your main caracter started out all "Aw, isn't she adorable?" then turned into "Problem Child". I totally want to hate her, which makes this an interesting start indeed. Plus the cliffhanger! Very dangerous in a game where you're not sure what will be thrown you way next. I'm on pins and needles! Having said that, it seems clear that this chick wants to go it alone, and therefore no sidekick... though I can imagine Artie showing up later,whether she likes it or not. Or will he be a villain?
Can I just say how much I adore your heroine? She's extremely well-written and multifaceted for having just introduced her. However, I am a little confused as to which category your hero falls within - as of right now, she seems to be an amalgamation between the badass bookworm, the chosen one (it seems like a good setup for this anyway, given that she doesn't know who her parents are), and possibly even the knight in sour armor... I'm excited to read your heroine's shenanigans in future chapters. You already have (seemingly) unintended pregnancy covered. What else could go wrong?!
Very interesting start. Sapphira seems to be a vibrant character who is very well developed. I love the sarcasm she "thinks" with. It really makes her stand out. I'm still not quite sure which of the 4 types she is though which is the one downfall of your story.
Melibee1323
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 42 | 15 | 9 | 8 | 10 | 27 | 10 | 9 | 8 | 18 | 4 | 0 | 91 | 0 | 91 |
| 39 | 13 | 7 | 9 | 10 | 29 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 91 | 3 | 94 |
| 37 | 14 | 7 | 7 | 9 | 26 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 17 | 4 | 1 | 85 | 0 | 85 |
The originality of the story was awesome!
and I love how it really tied in with everything and made so much sense near the end! Though, I had a little hard time following who was talking and imagining the area around them.. other than that.. awesome job! Great start! You've made the main character's sub-type very clear to me, and the story flows well from present to past. I like using the device of the storyteller to fill in her background. Can't wait to read the next part.
This is shaping up to be an intriguing story. Having the sordid tale of your heroine told from the perspective of another is an interesting, and fantastic, twist. Poor, poor Suki; trapped in the dangerous/cruel business of her father. Great start.
I love that your main character's story is actually being told through the eyes of the Sidekick. Bohdin is shaping up well to become the Moral Compass. It took me a few reads to follow which characters were talking and to whom but your explanation of the honorifics at the end were helpful. Definitely want more!
Ghost_sdoj
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 39 | 13 | 10 | 8 | 8 | 27 | 10 | 7 | 10 | 15 | 4 | 1 | 86 | 5 | 91 |
| 39 | 13 | 7 | 9 | 10 | 29 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 91 | 3 | 94 |
| 37 | 13 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 10 | 8 | 17 | 4 | 1 | 87 | 3 | 90 |
The flow of the story was a little iffy, but overall the story was great! There were certain spots that had me lost on who was talking and what was really going on. On the other hand, you staged the area quite nicely and I wanted to give you kudos for that!
Before I begin, I want to thank you for the spoiler tag idea, that was a stroke of genius! Now, on to my critique... I assumed the clearly powerful Lord Alfric is NOT meant to be the sidekick, as that would be unusual. I found your prologue very original, and your main character rather sympathetic. Here's hoping she can find a bit of what she needs by the time the contest is over!
I think what I like about this story the most is that Kylara's relationship with her new "father" is mysterious. I mean, I know I would be freaked out if someone was able to control my body as he did; Kylara certainly seemed a bit perturbed by it, and rightly so. My only nitpick is I'm not entirely sure what kind of sidekick her father is (or going to be), if he is one at all. My assumption is he's in the "hypercompetent" category, but only time will tell. A great first installment, Ghost.
What a fantastic use of the Makeover plot point! Very creative. I won't lie, some of the technical stuff made my head hurt a bit but I was able to follow. I think Kylara got in a bit over her head accepting this strange man as her father. I'm deciding on whether the father is a sidekick or villian. Maybe both?
Viva1994
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 39 | 15 | 6 | 8 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 91 | 0 | 91 |
| 36 | 13 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 26 | 9 | 7 | 10 | 15 | 4 | 0 | 81 | 5 | 86 |
| 37 | 13 | 8 | 8 | 8 | 27 | 10 | 8 | 9 | 17 | 4 | 0 | 85 | 5 | 90 |
I really appreciated the originality of the story! The characters occasionally seemed to lack natural reaction, but most of it was very believable.
I got a little lost in your story, I'm not sure if it was rushed or what exactly happened there. However, I find the idea compelling, and that's half the battle, right? I didn't feel Suzanna's persona was explained well enough; to me there is a clear lack of depth. It's a sketch, not a full picture. I do like that the sidekick is in distress, that's a refreshing change. I look forward to the rest.
Woot for the Sims 2 entry! It's nostalgic, indeed. I enjoyed the premise of your story and your setup was well done. It will be interesting to read how Suzanna will save Bram from this situation - and whether she'll have to decide between her friend and her duty in the future.
Your story was a bit jumbled and Suzanna's thoughts were all over the place making her not as developed as she could have been. The excerpt was a bit awkwardly placed, rather as an afterthought. I do think this is leading up to something good, especially noticing her disappointment that Bram was getting lucky and her almost immediate thought that he was NOT a monster. Are we getting a love story? Definite creative use of the plot point. Kudos for that!
Qnshr5
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 42 | 15 | 8 | 10 | 9 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 97 | 0 | 97 |
| 42 | 14 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 29 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 96 | 3 | 99 |
| 43 | 15 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 94 | 5 | 99 |
Amazing flow and choice of words! Already a couple of sentences in and I was hooked! I lost you near the end though.. but otherwise, you had me at the edge of my seat
Your story completely drew me in. The plot was fast-paced, interesting, compelling. Adding the introduction of the mystery woman (Is Lorie really Brio? Stayed tuned!) just put an exclamation point to the whole thing. It wasn't clear to me what kind of person your sidekick is, however, so I docked you a bit for that. I can't wait to read the rest!
What an exciting beginning! The setup for the robbery was flawless, building up the necessary drama beforehand, and Helena is the perfect heroine for such a story. It will be interesting to read how the rest of your (and Helena's) story unravels. I'm happy to be along for the ride!
Whoa, whoa, fantastic opening. The intro scene, the cut to two days later, it all flowed so well together. It was obvious who your character was though there is also the air of mystery about her. The cliffhanger is brilliant. I cannot wait to read more. Sarah as sidekick is still a little ambiguous though.
waterjay
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 30 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 99 | 5 | 104 |
| 42 | 14 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 28 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 94 | 4 | 98 |
| 38 | 14 | 9 | 8 | 7 | 28 | 10 | 9 | 9 | 17 | 4 | 0 | 87 | 3 | 90 |
Terrific job with how original the plot line was and how the story kept me going. Each event flowed to one another like they should and the characters had their own mysteries that made me care even more about them!
Once again, outstanding work! That was fun! I'm loving the creativity with your main character, the only thing missing was *how* he came to "their" attention... and who "they" are, of course. I hope you get to explore that next chapter.
Man - Marcus sure has it tough. Being kidnapped, imprisoned, and experimented on? Poor guy. I'm interested to read how he got where he is currently and what exactly these doctors and/or scientists are looking for. And I'm still unsure as to which hero category Marcus falls within, so I hope that is cleared up in future chapters. Great start and I can't wait to read where this is going.
I'd definitely like to know how Marcus got captured. I don't trust Amanda and want to know the connection to his mother. I am so far unable to determine what type of sidekick she is. Comic relief maybe? Am more unsure of which hero Marcus is. Am leaning towards Chosen One but it is unclear to me.
Tamlyn
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 43 | 14 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 96 | 0 | 96 |
| 42 | 14 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 29 | 9 | 10 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 96 | 1 | 97 |
| 40 | 14 | 8 | 8 | 10 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 94 | 5 | 99 |
I loved the way your story flowed from one event to the next and how that allowed you to picture everything in your mind.. even the character's emotions! Awesome work!
Cliffhanger! What we thought we knew is not the whole story! That's a good thing, of course. However, it wasn't clear to me what archetype the sidekick is, and honestly, given Matt's anger (who I presume is the sidekick), I wasn't sure he is or should be the sidekick. Nonetheless, I can't wait to see which direction you take this. Thank you.
You definitely fulfilled the "mysterious past" requirement. I'm itching to find out how (or why) Zoe got her power and what exactly is going on with these crazy fires. I do want to point out that your writing is stellar and I enjoyed reading your prologue from beginning to end - also, I love Matt. 'Nuff said. This is quickly shaping up to be a fantastic story and I'm looking forward to reading about Zoe's journey. (On a random note: Do I spot a Scott Pilgrim quote or are my eyes playing tricks on me? I love it either way).
Wow, I was completely drawn in. It seemed such an normal, natural day, albiet shitty because of wildfire. Then you hit us with that shocker. Now I NEED to know Zoe's past, find out what she is. Her character type is definitely clear. I'm guessing Matt is the sidekick though his type is obscure right now.
Sabri5
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 36 | 13 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 27 | 10 | 9 | 8 | 18 | 4 | 1 | 86 | 2 | 88 |
| 39 | 13 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 28 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 91 | 2 | 93 |
| 37 | 13 | 8 | 9 | 7 | 26 | 10 | 9 | 7 | 15 | 4 | 1 | 83 | 5 | 88 |
Very nice story!
The flow kind of stopped its..well..flow near the end and the words began to make me become confused in what was really going on; but I suspect that it's because of the mystery of the story and I love that! Good, solid start. I appreciate that this chapter stands alone, yet leaves room for further developments. That's actually a very difficult thing to do. I was puzzled that the sidekick is not even someone your main character knows (assuming Sarah's the main character, not her long lost sister). I look forward to more.
My only confusion with your story is who the main character truly is? Is Sarah going to be your heroine or Elizabeth? I'm assuming Elizabeth since her daughter "seems" to be her sidekick (and you picked the atoner category), but it still is unclear. I do, however, like where your story is headed; albeit, I have no idea what's going to happen next. Can't wait to read more!
Your story makes it hard to distinguish who your main character is: Elizabeth or Sarah. It seems like it could go either way. I noticed you listed Samara as your Sidekick but, having not introduced her, it's a bit of a reach. I'd work on your angles for pictures more as well. I look forward to seeing how this develops.
Prawler
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 40 | 15 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 28 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 17 | 4 | 0 | 89 | 5 | 94 |
| 38 | 13 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 26 | 9 | 8 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 0 | 86 | 3 | 89 |
| 40 | 13 | 9 | 9 | 9 | 27 | 10 | 8 | 9 | 15 | 4 | 0 | 86 | 3 | 89 |
I have to admit, your story was a little confusing.. and I'm still trying to figure out what might be going on. Zombie Apocalypse, right? I was thinking it was leading to that.
That doesn't mean your story wasn't good or lacked originality! I really liked and and now I must know more! I suppose we shouldn't praise you for the use of CC, since that docs you a point, but given that it's essential to your story, I kind of wish I didn't have to doc you. Now, for the actual critique of the story: I got a little confused about the introduction of Delaney; why is she strong? Is she the sidekick? If so, what kind of sidekick is she meant to be? Also, who got kidnapped and what does she have to do with anything? I guess I would recommend not being afraid to max out your word count. It's easier to remove a scene than to make up for it's lack.
I like the premise of a zombie apocalypse, which is perfect for this kind of story, but the story itself is a bit jumbled in places. There are quite a few time-skips and rushed character introductions that left me confused. However, since this is just the prologue, I'm willing to bet everything will be sorted as the contest continues. I'll admit that I'm excited for the possibility of seeing some zombified sims in your story and also learn more about both Ax and Delaney (do I sense a love connection?). Wonderful first entry for your story, Prawler.
I admit, your story was...confusing. I get that there was a zombie apocalypse. From there though, it gets jumbled. How Frank found Ax, how Frank got bit(?), was it Delaney or Ax that brought them back? Or Frank? Who is the sidekick? Is it Delaney now or Frank then? What type of sidekick? I have many questions with no answers so I hope that can be addressed next chapter.
Buckley
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 43 | 15 | 8 | 10 | 10 | 27 | 10 | 7 | 10 | 17 | 4 | 1 | 92 | 5 | 97 |
| 40 | 13 | 10 | 8 | 9 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 20 | 4 | 1 | 94 | 5 | 99 |
| 41 | 15 | 8 | 9 | 9 | 29 | 10 | 9 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 1 | 94 | 4 | 98 |
The flow of your story seemed a little sketchy, but overall I loved it! Some parts I became a little lost.. but I would soon regain myself. Also, the end of the story made me wanting even more!
Before I comment on the story itself, I have to say, nice lot! I went and took a look, it's perfect for where you're going, and makes your picture-taking job easier! Now, on to my commentary. This story flows very well indeed. Your imagery at the very beginning ("Like maggots feasting on a lion's carcass...") gave me the shivers and certainly gives me hope for the future of your story. I look forward to more!
I just want to take a moment to admire both your pictures and your writing - both are wonderfully descriptive (visibly for the pictures, of course). Emmeline seems like a strong, sensible, courageous character that is willing to do what needs to be done (to exact revenge and deliver that letter, in this case). I love Calix. I dont' have much else to say except "two thumbs up, would read again"!
What a brave setting for a story and you totally pulled it off. Gorgeous screenshots really made me feel IN it. You've set the scenes quite well with both your words and pictures. Calix is a wonderfully creative Sidekick. I find I have a real connection with Emmeline and am hoping for her success. More please!
LadyAwesome
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 38 | 13 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 26 | 10 | 7 | 9 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 87 | 87 | |
| 38 | 13 | 9 | 8 | 8 | 25 | 8 | 8 | 9 | 18 | 4 | 0 | 85 | 5 | 90 |
| 38 | 15 | 8 | 7 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 17 | 4 | 0 | 87 | 3 | 90 |
I got a little confused near the end, but I suspect that is because there is more to be explained. I really didn't learn that much about the character, or get a chance to bond with her either. Overall, it was a well put together chapter, though the character bonding might need to be your main focus next time
I got a little confused near the end. I want to know where wolf is too, and if the girl isn't wolf, who is she? WTF is going on??? Still, I'm definitely intrigued, I love how you started, the transition from Ala the observer to Ala the protagonist (Main character) is a great device. Can't wait to read on!
I'm throwing out a complete guess here, but I'm assuming Dog is a shapechanger or something equivalent? If so, that is certainly an interesting development; especially since it (she?) is Ala's sidekick. Your story is a tad confusing in places and character development should be worked on, but given that this is just the prologue, that's only natural. You definitely left me curious as to where your story is going; that's for sure.
Ala definitely seems as though she is struggling with nature. Lottie's role as Moral Compass wasn't quite made clear in this chapter though. Your plot point was somewhat underdeveloped so work on that next chapter. I do like your use of scenes, especially of Ala sitting high above the city. There are a lot of things I am curious about and hope will explained, such as Lottie showing up and who she is that Ala should remember and if she is indeed wolf.
missroxor
| CREATIVITY (45) | Originality (15) | Excerpt (10) | Character (10) | Event (10) | SCENES (30) | Pictures (10) | Mood (10) | Staging (10) | FLOW (20) | RULES (4) | CC (1) | TOTAL (100) | BONUS (5) | OVERALL |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 45 | 15 | 10 | 10 | 10 | 28 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 19 | 4 | 0 | 96 | 0 | 96 |
| 43 | 15 | 9 | 9 | 10 | 28 | 9 | 10 | 9 | 20 | 4 | 0 | 94 | 2 | 97 |
| 41 | 15 | 10 | 8 | 8 | 28 | 10 | 8 | 10 | 18 | 3 | 0 | 90 | 4 | 94 |
Might I say, your story was extremely original and very "pulled my emotion strings" feeling.. ha. what? you know what I mean
I really could connect with the character and it left me aging on for more! the flow was a little off, but I still could transfer from one scene to the next. Excellent work! I want you to know I did doc you for the use of Photoshop, but recognize that it was necessary to illustrate the story properly. No worries there! Otherwise, great introduction. Your main character is well developed, and the use of the excerpt isn't too clunky. It's not yet clear that there will be a sidekick, let alone what his (?) role will be, but that's ok because the story is concise and leaves us wanting more. Well done.
Gingers! Gingers, everywhere! ; ) The Reds' past and how they came to be is certainly intriguing as well as the familial/genealogical connection that your heroine seems to share with a particular Red. Your sidekick introduction is rushed, assuming the guy who gave her the letter *is* her sidekick at all, but other than that - it's a fantastic start. Can't wait to see what those Reds and Jada get up to in the future.
Your character makes me laugh. I love her spunk and determination but have sympathy towards her when she is in the thick of things. I'm quite curious about these Reds and how they came to be savages. Your sidekick introduction is a bit unorthodox and stretching things a bit without the real introduction. Your scenery and set up is perfect for this and I feel as though I could look at the pictures and have a good sense of what is going on. Well done.
Heaven Sims | Avendale Legacy
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
"On the internet, you can be anything you want. It's strange that so many people choose to be stupid."
#142
13th Jul 2012 at 6:12 AM
Last edited by ForeverCamp : 13th Jul 2012 at 6:32 AM.
13th Jul 2012 at 6:12 AM
Last edited by ForeverCamp : 13th Jul 2012 at 6:32 AM.
LOL. Sorry, judges. Honest to goodness, Sapphira had a typecast when I first started writing. Now she's stubbornly refusing to be lumped into a box. *sigh* I keep telling her I need her to make up her mind before Round 2 is up.
ETA: As for the sidekick... yeah, there wasn't really a sidekick. The kids are slowly turning into sidekicks, but not soon enough, I guess. Oops - I totally just spoiler'd my interchapter. :P
ETA: As for the sidekick... yeah, there wasn't really a sidekick. The kids are slowly turning into sidekicks, but not soon enough, I guess. Oops - I totally just spoiler'd my interchapter. :P
#143
13th Jul 2012 at 6:53 AM
13th Jul 2012 at 6:53 AM
Posts: 22
Bleh, I'm not sure if I could just have been more concise, but I think I could have done a much better job with a larger word count. Either that or my beginning was just too large of an idea. I'm really not sure what to take from this except to curl up in yonder corner and contemplate proper character development... Writing is such a cut throat, 400th draft, intuitive process; it's wonderful to be judged on how I'm doing. (even if it makes me question my entire process, forget what I've learned, eventually forget how to breathe, and then end up gasping for breath on the ground in a pile of angst sometimes) Thank you.
#144
13th Jul 2012 at 11:14 AM
13th Jul 2012 at 11:14 AM
Posts: 220
Thanks: 39 in 1 Posts
It was fun reading the comments on everyone's stories and seeing how soon I could match them up to the stories (as I definitely can't attach writers to chapters!)
#145
13th Jul 2012 at 6:01 PM
13th Jul 2012 at 6:01 PM
Posts: 293
I'm glad we get comments. It helps to know what needs to be strengthened for the next round. I agree with the judges on my sidekick. I knew when I wrote it that it wasn't very clear, but I couldn't figure out how to do it without going over the word count. Actually, now that I think about it, there was a way I could have done it. Oh well. I knew the worst that could happen was a zero. So onward to round 2!!!
#146
13th Jul 2012 at 6:29 PM
13th Jul 2012 at 6:29 PM
Posts: 1,114
Thanks: 255 in 5 Posts
My sidekick was supposed to be comedic relief but I think the problem is I'm just not very funny... oops. I really appreciate all the comments though and I know what I have to keep an eye on while I write. Thank you!
Pretty impressive that there's only a ten point difference between first and last place. This is anybody's game!
Pretty impressive that there's only a ten point difference between first and last place. This is anybody's game!
Lab Assistant
#147
13th Jul 2012 at 9:28 PM
13th Jul 2012 at 9:28 PM
Posts: 159
I see the sidekick was a little bit of a problem to everyone, it's really hard to introduce a sidekick very early in a story, and that's what makes this contest great: it's challenging!
I'll pull a ForeverCamp right now by telling you guys that you will later find out that my character Amanda isn't "the comic relief" as everyone thought
(spoiler spoiler ^.^)
I'll pull a ForeverCamp right now by telling you guys that you will later find out that my character Amanda isn't "the comic relief" as everyone thought
(spoiler spoiler ^.^)
#148
13th Jul 2012 at 9:33 PM
13th Jul 2012 at 9:33 PM
Congratulations to everyone for making it through the first round! I'm excited to read/judge the round 2 submissions.
And I'm glad that the judge comments seem to be helping. I know it isn't easy to put a story out there for others to read/criticize, but you all did a wonderful job. Seriously. You're all a bunch of brave, brave souls with awesome writing talent. Color me jealous.
And I'm glad that the judge comments seem to be helping. I know it isn't easy to put a story out there for others to read/criticize, but you all did a wonderful job. Seriously. You're all a bunch of brave, brave souls with awesome writing talent. Color me jealous.
#149
14th Jul 2012 at 5:42 AM
Last edited by ReyaD : 15th Jul 2012 at 7:42 AM.
14th Jul 2012 at 5:42 AM
Last edited by ReyaD : 15th Jul 2012 at 7:42 AM.
Posts: 1,114
Thanks: 255 in 5 Posts
Summary: Last chapter we met Juliette Johnson, a strange young woman with the gift of mind reading. After an undisclosed incident she left the police force and became a toy of an unnamed government sector. On what should be just another job, she manages to kill the man she’s interrogating, and can’t understand how. Instead of facing her boss she has her partner cover for her and takes off to visit a man known as “The Doc”.
Current Events: Finding Judas
Previous Events: Get out of jail free
Word Count: 1380, 16 photos
Hero Type: The Knight in Sour Armor
CC Used:
- Allowed: Skin by Ephemera, CC and store hairs, Poses, OMSP
Freaks and Monsters
Chapter Two
---
With an IQ higher than any on record and a memory to rival any database Liam, the doctor, could never be mistaken for normal, but he wasn’t quite a freak like Juliette or Dene. His gifts kept him in the lab constantly, studying the other Freaks and trying to understand where their gifts came from.
His most important job was also where his nickname came from. He was the doctor, the only one who could tell what was cause for worry. He was the only one who knew the difference between Dene with a fever and Dene with a bad mood.
As the doctor, Liam was the first person to go to when your gifts were going haywire. However for Juliette she came to him for a very different reason.
“It’s good to see you, darling.” He smiles, turning in her arms to pull her close against his chest. “I thought you were supposed to be working today.”
“Went wrong.” She mutters, speaking into his chest. “I fucked up again, Li. Another target dead and its all my fault... what’s wrong with me?”
He sighs. “Have you been taking the medication I gave you?”
“Religiously.” She promises. “But it isn’t helping. If anything, things have just been getting worse.”
“Hush love, I only gave them to you a few weeks ago. They’ll start helping soon.” He pulls away from her slightly, looking her straight in the eyes. “Now, do you want to tell me what happened or am I going to have to play the therapist?”
She smiles. “Can we say we did and do something else on that couch instead?”
He gives her a warning look. “Juliette-”
“Alright, alright. Let’s do the mental probing thing.”
He leads her into his living quarters right off the lab, pulling her down next to him on the couch. She tells him everything. Her task, the flash of red, and the way his brain seemed to explode inside of his own skull. But of course no details of the actual mission, they were too professional for that, not that he asked for any anyway.
“Last time you had to kill it was quick, there was no blood if I remember the autopsy report.”
“There’s never any blood.” Juliette responds. “When I need to kill I just... turn them off. It’s so easy to stop the brain from sending electrical signals to the spine, and from that point I just tell the heart to stop beating and it does. No blood and no mess. This is the second time ever that someone’s bled because of me.”
Unbidden the memory comes to her. She was a brand new recruit, only just out of police academy and partnered with an older man, David. He was set in his ways, by the book and she was the exact opposite, having used her little gift to get her this far anyway. They could have been the perfect buddy-comedy but then he got mad at her. He threatened to report her for disobeying orders and she... panicked. She pushed too hard trying to change his mind and there was a flash of red.
“I didn’t mean to do it.” She whispers more to herself than the man sitting next to her, remembering the fear she’d felt when she realized David wasn’t breathing anymore. “I had no idea what would happen.”
He was still, he was limp, and she knew he was dead long before help ever arrived. They’d been working together for only a few weeks, no really difficult or dangerous cases. David was the first man she ever killed, the only death that still ate at her constantly.
“That was a long time ago.” Li says, breaking her from her thoughts. “You have more control now. You’re getting stronger and sometimes you’ll make mistakes but you can’t let it get you down, love. If you let every mistake eat at you you’ll go crazy. You... the rest of us freaks, we’re the first of our kind. Until I’m able to find a real way to control what we can do we will hurt people. It’s just a fact of life.”
Juliette moves towards him, and he pulls her close, resting a bare hand on her arm. Even with the contact she can’t read him. He’s special, he nulls everything.
“You aren’t a freak.” She sighs, looking up at him. “You don’t have to deal with killing people, you just save the rest of us when we lose control.”
He can’t hide his smile. “Oh love... you know that I’m just like you, only prettier.”
She smiles and he pulls her onto his lap, slowly taking off her gloves and placing her bare hands on his face. “Try and read me.” He commands, leaning his head against her chest.
She leans her own head onto his, stroking his face softly but the best she can do is hear a small buzz. There are no images when she’s near him, no sounds, no colours. When they first met she managed to learn his name from touch alone. But as her powers increased so did his.
She breathes a sigh of relief, taking that as a sign that everything really is normal. She screwed up today, but Li’s right, it isn’t the end of the world.
He hugs her tightly as she relaxes. “If you’re really scared of losing control I’ve been working on some uniforms to help regulate the amount of effort you need to use your gift. No more accidental mind reading, but I haven’t tested to see if it works against surges. You want to be a model for me?”
She regrets saying yes the second she has it on. It’s purple and that’s about the only thing she likes about it. It’s skimpy, the arm length gloves really don’t do much for keeping her skin covered, and she can already picture getting a knife to her exposed midriff.
“I look like a hooker.” She deadpans before pausing and rethinking that statement. “No wait... I look like a space hooker.”
Li smiles. “Yes! At last we can live out my fantasy of being Captain Kirk.”
“We can change the design if you hate it...” He smiles, coming up behind her and dragging a hand along her stomach. “But for what it’s worth, I think you look amazing. Sexy as hell.”
She laughs, leaning against him. “Oh you’re awful. You’re just going to keep complimenting me until I fall in love with this aren’t you.”
“That’s the plan.” He admits. “But in all honesty how is it? Feel any different?”
“Oh completely! I feel heavy, but not physically. I think with some tweaking this might just work better than the pills.”
“Mmm alright.” He relents. “But lets stick with the pills until I get the suit tweaked, okay?”
She turns in his arms to kiss him, his own arms wrapping around her waist to hold her close. “I love you.”
He smiles against her lips, returning her kiss. “I love you more, Juliette. I’m glad you dropped by today.”
Li’s phone rings and with a sigh Juliette backs away. Only a few people have Liam’s personal number, and all of them are important. “I’ll go wait in your front office?”
He nods, distracted by the number on his phone. “Sounds good, love. I won’t be long. Can you check the door behind you? It’s been a bit sticky today.”
He answers the phone as soon as she’s out the door.
“Sir? ... Yes, sir. She’s here with me... it was another surge, they’re coming more frequently.... yes sir, she’s still on the medication, it’s increasing her strength as we predicted. I’ll start the others on the same medication as soon as possible.”
“If we continue regulating the medication as planned Juliette should be at full power within a few weeks. Drop her off in the middle of the city and she won’t be able to control herself. Deaths, destruction, all the funding our program needs is guaranteed once we send someone else to take her down.”
He doesn’t notice Juliette crouched next to the open door. It swung open again and she went to close it... she can’t believe what she’s hearing instead.
---
Chapter Two
---
With an IQ higher than any on record and a memory to rival any database Liam, the doctor, could never be mistaken for normal, but he wasn’t quite a freak like Juliette or Dene. His gifts kept him in the lab constantly, studying the other Freaks and trying to understand where their gifts came from.
His most important job was also where his nickname came from. He was the doctor, the only one who could tell what was cause for worry. He was the only one who knew the difference between Dene with a fever and Dene with a bad mood.
As the doctor, Liam was the first person to go to when your gifts were going haywire. However for Juliette she came to him for a very different reason.
“It’s good to see you, darling.” He smiles, turning in her arms to pull her close against his chest. “I thought you were supposed to be working today.”
“Went wrong.” She mutters, speaking into his chest. “I fucked up again, Li. Another target dead and its all my fault... what’s wrong with me?”
He sighs. “Have you been taking the medication I gave you?”
“Religiously.” She promises. “But it isn’t helping. If anything, things have just been getting worse.”
“Hush love, I only gave them to you a few weeks ago. They’ll start helping soon.” He pulls away from her slightly, looking her straight in the eyes. “Now, do you want to tell me what happened or am I going to have to play the therapist?”
She smiles. “Can we say we did and do something else on that couch instead?”
He gives her a warning look. “Juliette-”
“Alright, alright. Let’s do the mental probing thing.”
He leads her into his living quarters right off the lab, pulling her down next to him on the couch. She tells him everything. Her task, the flash of red, and the way his brain seemed to explode inside of his own skull. But of course no details of the actual mission, they were too professional for that, not that he asked for any anyway.
“Last time you had to kill it was quick, there was no blood if I remember the autopsy report.”
“There’s never any blood.” Juliette responds. “When I need to kill I just... turn them off. It’s so easy to stop the brain from sending electrical signals to the spine, and from that point I just tell the heart to stop beating and it does. No blood and no mess. This is the second time ever that someone’s bled because of me.”
Unbidden the memory comes to her. She was a brand new recruit, only just out of police academy and partnered with an older man, David. He was set in his ways, by the book and she was the exact opposite, having used her little gift to get her this far anyway. They could have been the perfect buddy-comedy but then he got mad at her. He threatened to report her for disobeying orders and she... panicked. She pushed too hard trying to change his mind and there was a flash of red.
“I didn’t mean to do it.” She whispers more to herself than the man sitting next to her, remembering the fear she’d felt when she realized David wasn’t breathing anymore. “I had no idea what would happen.”
He was still, he was limp, and she knew he was dead long before help ever arrived. They’d been working together for only a few weeks, no really difficult or dangerous cases. David was the first man she ever killed, the only death that still ate at her constantly.
“That was a long time ago.” Li says, breaking her from her thoughts. “You have more control now. You’re getting stronger and sometimes you’ll make mistakes but you can’t let it get you down, love. If you let every mistake eat at you you’ll go crazy. You... the rest of us freaks, we’re the first of our kind. Until I’m able to find a real way to control what we can do we will hurt people. It’s just a fact of life.”
Juliette moves towards him, and he pulls her close, resting a bare hand on her arm. Even with the contact she can’t read him. He’s special, he nulls everything.
“You aren’t a freak.” She sighs, looking up at him. “You don’t have to deal with killing people, you just save the rest of us when we lose control.”
He can’t hide his smile. “Oh love... you know that I’m just like you, only prettier.”
She smiles and he pulls her onto his lap, slowly taking off her gloves and placing her bare hands on his face. “Try and read me.” He commands, leaning his head against her chest.
She leans her own head onto his, stroking his face softly but the best she can do is hear a small buzz. There are no images when she’s near him, no sounds, no colours. When they first met she managed to learn his name from touch alone. But as her powers increased so did his.
She breathes a sigh of relief, taking that as a sign that everything really is normal. She screwed up today, but Li’s right, it isn’t the end of the world.
He hugs her tightly as she relaxes. “If you’re really scared of losing control I’ve been working on some uniforms to help regulate the amount of effort you need to use your gift. No more accidental mind reading, but I haven’t tested to see if it works against surges. You want to be a model for me?”
She regrets saying yes the second she has it on. It’s purple and that’s about the only thing she likes about it. It’s skimpy, the arm length gloves really don’t do much for keeping her skin covered, and she can already picture getting a knife to her exposed midriff.
“I look like a hooker.” She deadpans before pausing and rethinking that statement. “No wait... I look like a space hooker.”
Li smiles. “Yes! At last we can live out my fantasy of being Captain Kirk.”
“We can change the design if you hate it...” He smiles, coming up behind her and dragging a hand along her stomach. “But for what it’s worth, I think you look amazing. Sexy as hell.”
She laughs, leaning against him. “Oh you’re awful. You’re just going to keep complimenting me until I fall in love with this aren’t you.”
“That’s the plan.” He admits. “But in all honesty how is it? Feel any different?”
“Oh completely! I feel heavy, but not physically. I think with some tweaking this might just work better than the pills.”
“Mmm alright.” He relents. “But lets stick with the pills until I get the suit tweaked, okay?”
She turns in his arms to kiss him, his own arms wrapping around her waist to hold her close. “I love you.”
He smiles against her lips, returning her kiss. “I love you more, Juliette. I’m glad you dropped by today.”
Li’s phone rings and with a sigh Juliette backs away. Only a few people have Liam’s personal number, and all of them are important. “I’ll go wait in your front office?”
He nods, distracted by the number on his phone. “Sounds good, love. I won’t be long. Can you check the door behind you? It’s been a bit sticky today.”
He answers the phone as soon as she’s out the door.
“Sir? ... Yes, sir. She’s here with me... it was another surge, they’re coming more frequently.... yes sir, she’s still on the medication, it’s increasing her strength as we predicted. I’ll start the others on the same medication as soon as possible.”
“If we continue regulating the medication as planned Juliette should be at full power within a few weeks. Drop her off in the middle of the city and she won’t be able to control herself. Deaths, destruction, all the funding our program needs is guaranteed once we send someone else to take her down.”
He doesn’t notice Juliette crouched next to the open door. It swung open again and she went to close it... she can’t believe what she’s hearing instead.
---
Current Events: Finding Judas
Previous Events: Get out of jail free
Word Count: 1380, 16 photos
Hero Type: The Knight in Sour Armor
CC Used:
- Allowed: Skin by Ephemera, CC and store hairs, Poses, OMSP
#150
14th Jul 2012 at 2:12 PM
14th Jul 2012 at 2:12 PM
Posts: 51
Ugh I majorly regret having my story with pictures from the sims 3!
My sims 3 game is so slow for me lately, and Sims 2 is so much better as far as speed and Graphics. I have to turn them practicly all the way down for sims 3 but I can have them all the way up for sims 2... I guess I am just annoyed with it :/
My sims 3 game is so slow for me lately, and Sims 2 is so much better as far as speed and Graphics. I have to turn them practicly all the way down for sims 3 but I can have them all the way up for sims 2... I guess I am just annoyed with it :/
"Don't mistake coincidence for fate."
~Mr. Eko, LOST
~Mr. Eko, LOST
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