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|8th Dec 2009, 06:08 PM||Josh and Matt - Matt's car #26|
"And what do you care anyway?"
Watching Matt delve around drunkenly, jerking out of his grasp, managing to hit his head in some dopey-adorable way of a cocker spaniel, and feeling the adrenaline rush break down at finding Matt… well alive, for starters, given that “well” was yet to be seen, it took Josh a couple of second to properly register the words. The loose accusation hit him hard simply because it was so unexpected. There he was, in the middle of the night, barely dressed for the weather, having snuck out of his house through the bloody window like some criminal, driven across town like a bat out of hell, whilst still half asleep, worried out of his mind to find Matt like this, which was clearly a situation he needed to sort out before all of this got out of hand and being accused of not caring?!
"You're just jumping with joy over this, aren't you?"
What?! What? What the f*ck was there to be happy about? What, the fact that this stupid stunt could have ended up with Matt dead if he decided to drive back home? That drinking himself stupid turned out not to be the solution after all? That – Jesus Christ, how much had he drunk anyway? He sounded like he might just keel over if Josh tried to make him walk anywhere.
What was he supposed to be happy about?
His narrowed, annoyed, hurt eyes pulled away from Matt’s form as he sank back into the passenger’s seat for a moment, eyes closing as his features relaxed, letting out a deep breath and the situation sunk in better; it was okay, nothing actually happened. Matt was still okay and… not dead or something. What the f*ck was he thinking?
The second part of Matt’s accusation sank in and the anger and agitation was soon usurped by pangs of guilt. He knew how it looked. He’d been wanting people to find out all along, he’d been wanting to come out and admit it in defiance and Matt had always shied away, he’d been terrified of it in fact, and here was Josh, getting his way. And he had been happy about it, there was no denying that.
It made him feel guilty, measly in a way, when Matt suffered because of the very thing he was happy about.
Josh knew that Natalie and Esteban would talk sooner or later; they had Matt in their vice grip and it’d been the chance they’d booth been waiting so long for. They weren’t going to play nice and sooner or later, this house of cards that he and Matt had built was going to come tumbling down on both of them, publicly. The worst part was knowing that Josh would be the one to handle it better, hat he’d been waiting for it, anticipating it all along, and the further Matt ran from it, the closer Josh had inadvertently brought him to it. Knowing that Matt just wouldn’t be able to handle it. If there wasn’t proof for it before, here it was now.
He really didn’t know what to do, or to say, except for the fact that pitching the idea of taking the influence out of Natalie and Esteban’s hands by coming clean themselves – partly because that’s what Josh wanted all along and partly because the sooner they did this, the less they’d have to dance to any tunes that either of those two played – was going to be a bad, destructive idea.
It wasn’t what Matt wanted t hear right now. He’d called Josh, of all people, probably because he was the only other person who knew about this, but also possibly because Matt had on some level wanted support, reassurance, someone to stand by him in his corner of the boxing ring Natalie and Esteban had set up. Taking that sliver of a hope away would push Matt over the edge, and that was most definitely what Josh was looking not to do.
So, he canned his own thoughts and desires over it for a moment, and despite the fact that he may well be dodging the question or lying by omission in some way, he really did speak from the heart.
“You’re more important to me than that,” he affirmed surely, yet softly before turning his calmed eyes back over to Matt. “Alright? Look, I don’t know how,” he confessed wearily, his hand reaching over to affectionately cup the back of Matt’s neck as if it made it clearer to him that he was there, and on his side. “But we’re gonna sort this mess out. No-one’s going to find out until you’re ready.”
With that, he withdrew, rubbing the last shards of tiredness from his eyes with a sigh before getting down to matters.
“We need to get you sorted out first,” he declared decisively, yet with concern colouring his pale eyes as they surveyed Matt’s form properly. “How much have you had? Do your parents know where you are?”
"Life is just a chance to grow a soul" - A. Powell Davies
|19th Dec 2009, 06:56 PM||Josh and Matt - Matt's car #27|
In a manner of speaking, Josh Brennan, despite whatever worries might have been raging through his mind as he'd been driving towards Irwayne Woods, probably ought to consider himself rather lucky for finding Matt in the state he was currently in; drunk and distraught. Had he been sober and just a tad bit composed, had he been thinking clearly, he would have immediately caught on to the brief silence - which in itself was answer enough to his question - and the shifting of expressions on Josh's face as he was subjected to Matt's accusation. The initial disbelieving annoyance flitting across his features, and how it was soon wiped away as guilt flooded them instead, when it dawned on him that Matt apparently knew him well enough to know what he must have been thinking about everything that had happened over the past couple of days; first Natalie somehow finding out about the two of them, and then Esteban as well, and all of it finally setting into motion what Josh himself had been trying hard to achieve with Matt.
Had Matt been sober enough to register that acknowledgement spilling over Josh's face, odds were he would've torn into him for real, about how selfish he was being, and didn't he realize what it would do to Matt, to the both of them, to be exposed to the entire school? It would have been pretty much the same harangue as he would usually offer whenever Josh brought up the subject, only this time with antagonism and bitterness added to the mix, since it had now been made clear just on how opposite sides they both stood on the matter. Matt might have even turned against Josh once and for all, and called him a traitor, for being happy when Matt teetered on the edge of disaster.
But, as it was, Matt was far too consumed by his drunken vortex of thoughts, to pay much attention to Josh's reaction. Make no mistake, he had still meant every word, it wasn't just some random accusation made as a result of his intoxication, but rather a keen one based on his perception and on how well he knew Josh. It was just that with his head swimming with thoughts that he was having a hard time grasping, not to mention alcohol, it all ended up as a brief lashing out instead, before his mind took his obscure train of thought down a slightly different route. A route that to him was far more frequently travelled; the one leading to himself.
Though just as he started lamenting his own fate all over again, muttering another few bitter but inaudible words to himself, Josh reached into that deep dark pit of anguish and self-pity, and pulled him right back out. Or, at least he tried to.
"You're more important to me than that", he said, with a soft kind of firmness in his voice, that cut right through Matt's mumblings, and would have drawn his glassy gaze back to Josh's form, even if the warmth of the gentle hand clasping his neck and driving home the fact that he truly cared, hadn't. "Alright?"
And while only seconds earlier, Matt had protested and pulled away from Josh's touch, this time he didn't. He simply sat there, looking at the other boy and trying to absorb the reassurance in his eyes, because he so desperately needed it. He was at a point where he couldn't take any more adversity, especially not in his current state. He just wasn't strong enough to cope. Not alone. As was pretty much proven by the current circumstances, of calling Josh in the middle of the night, despite him being the one who had pushed for disclosure.
"Look", he said, as Matt just kept looking at him, as though he was hoping that whatever Josh had to say, it would be something that would miraculously make it all go away, "I don't know how, but we're gonna sort this mess out. No-one's going to find out until you're ready."
A miracle solution it was not. In fact, it was bullsh*t. Pure and utter bullsh*t. Inebriated or not, Matt wasn't quite out of it enough not to realize that. He would never be "ready" to have this whole thing made public, and "never" was not when Natalie and Esteban intended to tell everyone. And there was nothing Matt nor Josh could do to stop them. At least nothing that didn't involve drastic measures, and... Matt might be jerk, but he just didn't have it in him to go quite that far.
So yeah, what Josh was saying about no one finding out until Matt was ready, was bullsh*t.
But even so, it still did make the anxiety-ridden teen feel a little better, because... Bullsh*t or not, it proved that Josh really did care, and that he at least wanted to make everything alright. Despite not being able to, and despite the fact that Matt wasn't usually one to acknowledge good intentions as being worth something, if the end result still wasn't satisfactory, in this case it did make him feel a little better. Call it a moment of clarity, drunken sentimentality, or just a simple need to believe and be comforted, but it did.
"We need to get you sorted out first", Josh continued in a voice now stained with pragmatism, and having withdrawn his touch, but with his eyes back to linger on Matt. "How much have you had? Do your parents know where you are?"
Two questions that had an embittered snort sounding in the small space of the car, acting much like a prelude for what was to come;
"I don't know where they are", Matt said, "how would they know where I am?"
Having said that, he reached down to the car floor by his feet, while briefly a look of concentration seized his features as his hand roamed in of the bottle he'd dropped there. At first he found only his jeans and boots - repeatedly - but then suddenly his skin grazed against something cool and hard, and his fingers closed around the neck of the bottle. After some fumbling to get it out from under there, he could then hand the now empty vessel over to Josh - or more like limply half drop, half shove it onto his lap - as though it was supposed to somehow inform him of how much had been left in it when Matt had started his drinking binge earlier this evening.
|20th Dec 2009, 12:28 AM||Josh and Matt - Matt's car #28|
The more he thought about it, the stupider it seemed to Josh to have made that promise. He meant every word of it as much as he could, in that he would strive to find a solution to the situation that suited Matt best – despite the fact that Josh knew well of a solution to the problem that’d fix everything, including his own problems, which had never really been anything close to seeing a reprieve – but he had to be realistic in admitting, at least to himself, that ideal solution just wasn’t feasible. Esteban and Natalie had a lot against Matt, and their behaviour was already proving to be nothing short of vindictive. So yeah, the ideal solution wasn’t within reach, and most people, there’d have to be some sort of compromise to fix this mess.
But that was pragmatism and that was really not what Matt needed right now. So, Josh didn’t bring it in.
Right now, the main priority was fixing the mess at hand, and that was the one involving Matt drunk and sitting in his car in the middle of nowhere. Josh was glad he’d been the one who he’d chosen to call – albeit, he’d have much rather not have this situation happen at all – because had it been someone else… would they have come over? What would have Matt told them? How much of a problem will that turn into? And so, yeah, it was a bit of a concern how much Matt’s parents knew, because him out like this on a school night probably didn’t go down well, and Josh was hoping there hadn’t been any blazing row to add to this, and that they could sneak Matt back into the Sidle residence and no-one would be any the wiser. The last thing he needed was another problem.
"I don't know where they are,” he snorted off as if it was a ridiculous question. "How would they know where I am?"
Okay. That was the immediate problem solved… sort of, because they hadn’t been home when he’d left. If he’d gone home. If not, there was a party out there somewhere. But if Matt had been missing for hours, someone would have called Marie, and Marie would have frantically called him, especially given the circumstances. So, he’d gone home. But that begged the question of how long he’d been sitting out here. And though what Matt said was ideal to the situation, Josh couldn’t help but question the amount of support he’d get at home when all this broke out, because now more than ever, it would. Even if he wanted to, it would. Not that Josh wanted to. He wanted to stall it.
Then he started feeling around the floor of the car and Josh for a split second wondered that the hell he was doing, until the moment he half-shoved an empty bottle into Josh’s lap, the coldness of the glass burning through the jeans to sear his thigh, causing him to shift and grasp the bottle, having no clue what it used to contain, but pretty sure it was somewhere close to full at the start of the night.
The whiff of it told him it was run. Jesus, how much had he had? The last thing Josh wanted to happen right now was alcohol poisoning, but Matt was still alert and talking, so it was logical to assume that the bottle hadn’t been entirely full to begin with. Plus, Matt’s attempted indications lifted the mist of contemplations a little.
Still not good.
Right, now what? Josh was used to drunken team mates and having to get them to somewhere appropriate before things got out of hand, but this, this was different, because… well because there was the question of getting him calmed down before getting him home, and when he was home, there was the task of getting him to bed without his parents finding out, and if they did, they was the task of making sure they didn’t think anything was amiss. More amiss.
“Right, okay…,” he breathed out, putting the bottle away, momentarily scratching his head for a plan, and just going with what seemed best. “I think we should get you to bed. I’ll uh…,” alright wait. Two cars, one driver… “Alright, I’ll drive you home in your car… get a cab back here and… drive home. That okay? Do you know if your parents are gonna be back by then, or…?”
"Life is just a chance to grow a soul" - A. Powell Davies
|23rd Dec 2009, 06:14 PM||Matt and Josh - Matt's car #29|
Most of the time, Matt was quite content with being the youngest son of Charles and Isabel Sidle; they were wealthy, attractive, respected, successful, and fairly liberal, as far as teenage dating and curfews went. Especially after having had a practice round of sorts, with Liam, Matt's older brother. All bridges had already been crossed once, all boundaries had been tested, and so they were now a little more relaxed about it all, than they had been the first time around. They knew Matt was dating, and that he was sexually active, and they knew he went to quite a few parties during the weekends and holidays. But, they trusted him to act responsibly, mostly because he had so far. As long as he appeared healthy and wholesome, was popular and doing well on the track team and with his modelling career, and his grades were good, there was really no cause for concern, was there? They had never caught him drunk or under the influence of any drug, he had never gotten in trouble with the police or any other authorities, or even any of his classmates (as far as they knew). He had dozens and dozens of friends, and he always seemed to be quite balanced and stable, never with a smile far away from his handsome face. So, judging by all that, everything was as it should be, no?
And the thing was, it wasn't just his parents who thought everything was just swell with him. Pretty much everyone did. Everyone was buying into the image he portrayed, at least on the surface, and even if they didn't - even if they thought that his constantly collected persona had to be a front to hide behind - they still had nothing to actually support such a theory. As far as everyone knew, Matt's life was just dandy, and he was loving every minute of it.
Consequently, he didn't really have anyone to confide in, and to hold him and offer him comfort when he was feeling down. He never had. He'd put so much effort into portraying the perfect life, and keeping up the facade to everyone, that there now was no one he could afford to let in on the true state of things. His parents were completely clueless, as were all his friends, and while he often got up close and intimate with his girlfriends, to say it was truly personal would be a vast overstatement. They all probably thought they saw a really personal side of him, and to a certain extent they were right. But they never did see his true fears and anxieties, they never saw him crying, or even being sad. Upset, angry and experiencing momentary dips in his mood, yes, those were all there, but never any of the stuff that ran deeper. They never saw him weak, even when he was right in the middle of one of his weaker moment, simply because he couldn't allow them to.
The only exception was, of course, Josh. For while Josh had a tendency to make Matt feel threatened, and get aggressive and sometimes even downright mean in his hard-headed reluctance to accept ever being vulnerable, it was also Josh who (until recently) was the only one to have actually seen Matt vulnerable. That night, when the fateful kiss had happened... It was vulnerability that had lead up to it. It was vulnerability that had Matt freaking out whenever Josh had brought up the subject of coming clean to everyone, or whenever things had gotten a little too steamy between the two of them. It was vulnerability that had driven Matt to his current intoxicated state, and it was vulnerability that'd had him calling Josh in the middle of the night; because he was feeling vulnerable, and so very, very small.
And most of all, alone.
Yet, no matter how much he just wanted someone to hold him - because as weak and pathetic as it was, he had never yearned for it more than he did now - he couldn't bring himself to actually show it, let alone say it. He just couldn't. Matt Sidle just didn't do "needy". Even if he'd wanted to, he wasn't sure he even knew how. So... He didn't. He merely sat there instead, sort-of-yet-not-really listening to Josh deliberate what they should do.
"Right, okay...", Josh said as he exhaled, sounding as though he was trying to think clearly and rationally, and by doing so caused Matt to slump impatiently back against the seat with a shivering sigh, as his head fell back against the headrest, and his eyes closed in an attempt to gather the few fragments that remained of his poise. "I think we should get you to bed. I'll uh... Alright, I'll drive you home in your car... get a cab back here and... drive home. That okay? Do you know if your parents are gonna be back by then, or...?"
"How the f*ck should I know?", Matt muttered - irrationally annoyed with Josh because he wasn't a mind reader, and didn't realize that helping Matt get home wasn't really why Matt had called him in the first place.
Though in the next moment, he went on to pretty much contradict himself, when through the drunken haze in his mind, a faint memory emerged;
"They said they'd be home tomorrow", he said, vaguely recalling his parents' goodbyes earlier in the afternoon. "Or the day after. Or next week. I don't f*ckin' know."
|26th Dec 2009, 07:00 PM||Josh and Matt - Matt's car #30|
He had no idea what to do. He just found Matt in the middle of nowhere, stupidly drunk and on top of that, hostile and uncooperative – though, to be fair, he gave some indication of how much he’d drunk, though nothing too elaborated – and he just didn’t know what to do. He’d tried to offer comfort and got rejected, he’d tried to be reassuring, got shot down, he was trying to be rational, and it was poorly received. First instinct was to get him to talk about why he was… the best word that fit was self-destructing, but it seemed a little overdramatic to actually say, but then he didn’t know how to do that. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know how to get the other boy to open up about the topic, without getting his head bitten off. Mostly, he just wanted to get Matt somewhere safe and sensible rather than here, in the middle of nowhere.
It wasn’t a plan that was working out well. It wasn’t even a plan, it was a bunch of ideas strung together in a manner that made sense now, but he was probably missing things that’d turn up once they got going. If they got going, because Josh sensed that there were some unresolved issues here still; Matt didn’t drive up here to get drunk and then called him up so that he could get a ride home without ending up in Brooklake General. Matt probably didn’t even mean to call him up, because once he was here, he just got accused of not giving a damn at all. So, Matt called him out here for some reason, some need and Josh had no idea what it was or how to figure it out.
So all that was left to do was what seemed most rational.
"How the f*ck should I know?" Matt fobbed off the question as if it was the last thing that counted and… well, Josh could understand that because if home was where he thought was best, he wouldn’t have driven up here to get wasted.
What the hell was he missing?
"They said they'd be home tomorrow," he then revealed and Josh backtracked a bit, wondering whether that meant that he was ready to go home now or… no, he figured it wasn’t that, because if he’d wanted that, he’d have just flat out said it, or he’d have stupidly tried to drive home himself.
"Or the day after,” he continued on flippantly. “Or next week. I don't f*ckin' know."
For a second, Josh just stared. Were they ever there? Was anyone ever there? Not in the physical sense of just being home and therefore warding off the social welfare services, but as someone to talk to, an actual home rather than a house to live in with other people. Somewhere to belong to. Josh didn’t have the best of that at home, he wasn’t like some kids, he was like most kids; he couldn’t talk to his parents about most things. And yes… there had been no-one to talk to about facing his own sexuality, but with other things, he’d had friends. Real, genuine friends, like Abby, to whom he could talk to and be a person rather than a persona.
As far as he knew, Matt had never really had that. He’d had puppets and playthings, he’d had an audience. No actual friends. Josh had never really been sure where he stood; a secret, an experiment, a regret… something to be ashamed of, at worst, but maybe something close to a friend too.
So maybe that went a distance in explaining why Matt had no real clue of his real self.
Josh found himself sitting there with a small crease of pain between his brows. He didn’t know what to do still, but it just got to him to envisage the image of Matt just going on with absolutely no-one for him, because he did deserve better.
Home and rational action can wait for a few minutes.
His hand slid along the back of Matt’s shoulders in the reassuring affection of the wordless moment before slipping into those chocolate tresses, bringing Matt to his chest for the both of them to just rest there in the understanding of it.
(((OOC: Hope it works, if not let me know )))
"Life is just a chance to grow a soul" - A. Powell Davies
|29th Dec 2009, 12:54 AM||Matt and Josh - Matt's car #31|
(((ooc: Damn I'm such a softie! I couldn't read your post once without getting all misty-eyed. *lol*)))
Pathetic. Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic. The wish that someone, anyone, would see what Matt had always fought so hard to make everyone believe wasn't there, the wish that someone would actually fulfil what for a long time had been one of his greatest fears, and just see him for once. Him. Not the persona, or the concept, or the icon. Not one of the most popular kids in school, not the king of Brooklake, not the heartbreaker, not the trend setter, the rich kid, the puppet master, the star on the track team, not the godd*mned winner of godd*mned everything, whether it was titles, awards, girl's hearts, envious stares, or whatever else he spent most of his life acquiring. He just wanted someone to see him. Him. Which, to be perfectly honest, Matt himself actually wasn't quite sure who that was.
He'd spent so much time and effort crafting the persona that everyone saw - and that at times like this, he really hated with a passion - that he wasn't really sure what was hiding underneath that polished surface. Or maybe it was his true self that he hated? The one that just wasn't good enough, the one that wasn't perfect or happy, the one that sometimes just wanted to hurl that damned cell phone that seemed to never stop ringing, halfway across the world, and just be by himself. He was completely alone already anyway, regardless of how many people were around him, so it wasn't like it'd really make a difference, now was it? At least not a difference other than the one that would allow him a chance to not play Prozac patient - Mr frickin' Sunshine - for a while.
Was that the part of himself that he hated? The one that wasn't everything that everyone had always expected him to be, even before he himself was even aware of it? The one that didn't measure up? The one that was scared and insecure, the one with all these feelings that he couldn't handle.
The one who got drunk.
Christ... He really was hammered, wasn't he? Sitting here feeling sorry for himself, and trying to figure himself out? Brilliant idea. Brilliant. As if it wasn't difficult enough to do that when he was sober and lucid.
Not that he ever really tried...
Was this it then? Was this him? The true Matt Sidle in all his glory? A guy so overrun by anxiety that he had to get wasted just to try and get away from it? And failing epically, too? A guy that called people up in the middle of the night just to rant, like some loser? And that when they picked up the phone, didn't even manage to rant? Was that the real Matt Sidle?
Well, no wonder he'd been packed up and hidden away in the back of the closet. The guy was a total and utter failure!
Though really, who the f*ck knew? It wasn't like Matt had spent a lot of time figuring out who he really was, since he'd spent most of it maintaining his facade instead. So consequently, he really didn't know. He didn't know who he was underneath the surface, he didn't know what - when all the lights that were on him went out and the curtain went down - he'd be left with. He didn't even know if there'd be anything left of him.
All he knew, was that right now, he was hurting, bad, and that for once in his miserable life, he wanted someone to see it.
How ironic. It was so ridiculously ironic. Pathetic, weak, pitiful, and just.... just utterly pathetic. There really was no better way of labelling it.
Oh, for crying out loud, just snap out of it already. Cease the pity party, and just pull it together!
God, his head was hurting... and spinning...
He was so wrapped up in his own maze of a mind, that he didn't even notice Josh reaching for him, until the other boy's hand slid over Matt's shoulders and into his hair, the simple but so affectionate touch once again putting a halt to the chaotic thoughts swirling in Matt's head, and turning his unsteady gaze onto Josh. Though not a single word was uttered, neither when Josh gently pulled Matt's head towards his chest, as though somehow the universe had decided to ease up on Matt momentarily, and grant Josh the power to read minds after all, nor when Matt let him. Even if the drunken youth would have wanted to, he wouldn't have been able to produce a single word right then and there. Josh's gesture - so unexpected, but so very, very needed - sent all that pent up anguish and sorrow straight up from his gut to clog in his throat, and... he choked up. For the first time in God knows how long, he choked up, and had to fight hard to stop the tears from forming behind his closed eyelids.
Such is the simple magic of human touch: You manage to hold yourself together, as long as someone doesn't show concern, by asking how you're doing, or just even putting their hand on your shoulder in an attempt to show support and offer comfort when they think you might need it. Once that happens, all self-control tends to crumble, and give way to the flood of sorrow you've kept buried within.
And frankly, being drunk doesn't exactly help put a damper on those feelings. On the contrary.
Perhaps that was why initially, right after Josh had just entered the car and reached for him, Matt had pulled away; because on some level, he knew how detrimental it would be to his precious self-control, to have it further challenged right now, by having someone show concern and support. Support that only minutes later, he would be craving like never before, and caving in to without any further resistance. He just slumped in surrender against Josh's frame, his temple against Josh's shoulder and his cheek against his chest, eyes closed in welcome of the sensation.
But he wouldn't cry. He refused. He wouldn't cry over this. He was scared, and emotional, but he wouldn't cry. Instead, as a way of distracting himself with impressions, he focused on the smell of Josh's shirt, slowly drawing in the scent of his cologne into his nostrils, and managing to somehow find just a little bit of peace therein.
Though the first couple of breaths that he took probably sounded suspiciously shivering, and so after a little while, once his voice was strong enough to carry his desire to speak, he did just that;
"I'm not crying", he informed Josh rather randomly, though his words ended up being somewhat muffled against Josh's clothing.
Even now, after having given in to his own vulnerability, it was as though he still couldn't come to terms with it. As though there was still something left to prove.
(((ooc: Man... This boy has iiiiiiissues... And sorry if it's incoherent and all over the place, but it's kind of supposed to be. *s* )))
|4th Jan 2010, 01:05 AM||Josh and Matt - Matt's car #32|
(((OOC Awww! Thank you )))
Sometimes, the best you could do for a person is just be there.
Josh hadn’t really realised it. He came to fix a problem, make everything alright, make everyone happy again, and that’d be all. It was such a simplistic view of looking at it, because it was never really that easy, and during all the times he’d attempted this, he’d have thought he’d learn it. But it’d never really been this bad. He’d never really seen it – Matt especially – like this, so he was entirely out of his depth. It scared him and he figured he needed to do something about it immediately, fix it and have it go away.
He didn’t realise Matt had called up because he needed him to be there, not because he needed him to up the situation. And when he did, it felt all the more stupid for it, because it was just so obvious.
He just held Matt nestling against him, the car a total silence but for the quiet breathing of the two youths so close to each other, letting Matt take all the time he needed before they did anything at all, because that was what it was all about, a release for those pent-up emotions and frustrations that had driven him to this, to here, to end up drunk and wallowing in despondency, because he needed to. And as much as it hurt Josh to see him as this mess, he had to admit, it was for the better. Keeping it all pent up led to here, and the solution wasn’t to brush it all under the carpet and leave it to fester until it all exploded in their faces.
Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is stand by and watch, because it was for the best.
"I'm not crying,” Matt asserted, and Josh didn’t reply immediately. It was alright if he cried; he was entitled to, after everything. But no, Josh wouldn’t advice him, or tell him what to do, because that’s what led here; Matt not doing what he wanted to do, and therefore, Josh refrained from commenting directly on it, his hands running a reassuring caress over Matt’s back before slipping tenderly into his hair.
Right now, though, he wasn’t sure what to do. Yes, there was the temptation to simply remain here, secluded here in the warmth of the hushed car, in the lull of their breathing, the shuffle of their small movements, in the intimacy, away from all the troubles and traps that waited now that the cat was out of the bag, here in the cloak of the night, stuck between the aftermath of today and the trepidation of tomorrow, the meridian where it was almost worth hoping that by some haphazardly constructed reasoning, tomorrow might just change what it had in store, and that if they slept on it, everything might just be alright.
But that wasn’t practical and he knew it.
No, what was practical was to fix that problem, because while what he could do for Matt was what he was currently doing, holding Natalie or Esteban close to him sure as hell wasn’t going to solve anything. That situation needed to be dealt with, and one way or another, he would, because this couldn’t go on for much longer without irreparable damage that he wasn’t willing to stand by and let happen. But that was with Natalie and Esteban, and they were only a small part of the problems that Matt had.
“You know you can talk to me, right?” he asked – or rather stated – softly, his husky voice disappearing into the stillness around them, offering Matt some way of venting that inner frustration. “About anything.”
"Life is just a chance to grow a soul" - A. Powell Davies
|6th Jan 2010, 06:23 PM||Matt and Josh - Matt's car #33|
Silence. Following in the wake of Matt's compulsive claim about not crying, there was only silence to yet again spread it's wings over the two boys in the car, as Josh remained quiet. Quiet, but not unresponsive. Matt could feel his hands drift gently over his back in reassurance, in an unspoken testament that he was there, and that he still would be even if Matt had been crying. Fingertips skirted tenderly along his shoulders and over his neck, finding their way into his tousled hair and drawing yet another shivering sigh from Matt's listless form. Usually, the gesture was one that would send small electrical tingles scurrying up and down his spine, and bring new fervour to his kiss, as usually his lips would have locked hungrily over Josh's by the time it happened, but now, with his head resting against Josh's shoulder, it just felt... really nice. Comforting, and affectionate, in a way that didn't ask anything of him, not even on a subconscious level. It allowed him to just be there, and find solace in the very first comforting embrace he'd been given in years, and to be perfectly honest, he was quite content to just stay there. He still felt like shit, and his head was still spinning from all the rum, but for some reason, being held just made it feel at least bearable, and he really wasn't particularly tempted to go anywhere. Instead, he simply gave in to the weight of his heavy eyelids and let his eyes drift closed, drawing in yet another breath of Josh's musky scent through his nose, and savouring the warmth of his chest against his cheek, filtering through the fabric of Josh's shirt. He could have probably fallen asleep there, eventually, had Josh not decided to speak at last, the deep softness of his voice rumbling in his chest, and making Matt almost feel his words vibrate against his skin, rather than hear them.
"You know you can talk to me, right?", the other boy said quietly. "About anything."
Yet despite the unexpected sound of his voice cutting through the soft lull that had started engulfing Matt's mind, Matt's eyes remained closed at first, though he did give a small nod. Because he sort of did know that, deep down. In their discussions - calling them arguments would have been an exaggeration, since Josh never really did argue, preferring calm reasoning instead - he had often claimed that Josh didn't understand, that he had no idea of the pressure Matt was under, but somewhere deep down, they both knew it to be a false accusation, and one made only because Matt was feeling cornered. Josh understanding was part of the very reason why they'd even gotten involved in the first place; because Matt, in a moment of drunken depression, had gotten careless and vented his true feelings, which had turned out to have quite a bit in common with Josh's feelings over his own situation. Josh knew what Matt had been talking about then, and had been talking about ever since, because Josh himself was experiencing something fairly similar, albeit if on a slightly different scale, and handling it differently than Matt did.
So yes, despite often pretending not to, Matt did know that.
But he didn't want to talk about that. He didn't want to talk about school, or his parents, or his "friends", or Mark, or Marie-Elisabeth, or Natalie and Esteban, and all the crap they were currently hurling at him. He didn't want to talk about that, not any of it. He had finally ended up in a situation that he'd always refused to put himself into, never allowing anyone to see the need to try and comfort him - because why should they, when his life was supposed to be perfect? - but now felt he wasn't willing to let go. God, he'd needed this. To just feel awful, and for once in his life be comforted.
Though it did make him dangerously fragile, and led him down yet another path he'd never travelled before, in his suddenly awakened need for genuine reassurance, and so before he knew it, words he would have never, ever even considered uttering, had everything been as usual, spilled out of him;
"Josh...?", came his tentative voice, still somewhat muffled by Josh's shirt, as he slowly opened his eyes again, yet didn't break the embrace to look up at the other boy. He didn't even move at all. "Do you love me...?"
Again, it was pathetic. And not just the question itself - needy and clingy, and such an obvious hunger for reassurance - but because, really, what had he possibly ever given Josh to love? He hadn't exactly been all that nice to him; snapping at him, freaking out at him, accusing him, pushing him away, just doing his best in general to make Josh feel like what they were doing was nothing but a little fun, that it didn't mean anything. He'd been flippant, he'd been vengeful, he'd even been downright cruel at times, and it wasn't as though he was doing any better right now, being drunk and difficult, and just such a needy, pitiful failure. Honestly, had he himself been on the outside looking in at the scene unfolding in the car, he would have probably been laughing his *ss off at the pathetic loser in there, clinging to his partner - physically, but above all emotionally - practically begging to be loved.
But as it was, he hadn't been able to stop himself, he hadn't even wanted to, because... he needed to know. He needed for someone to care about him for who he was, pathetic though he may be, and not just for what he was. For what they thought him to be.
|11th Jan 2010, 02:32 PM||Josh and Matt - Woods #34|
Josh and relationships… it was all a bit confusing, a bit of everything.
They were at high school, and everyone knows how high school romances don’t last long. In fact, if it lasts beyond college, that was in itself a pretty worthy feat. And it wasn’t a reflection on the strength of the relationship between the pair, at least Josh didn’t think so; he figured it was because people change, and especially after high school, they probably change a lot. But that was a little too much on the mature scale for him, and most of the time, he just figured it was all for transient fun. Because they were young, and carefree and he had the presence of mind to realise that it wasn’t always going to be like that. He’d have to grow up and be an adult some day.
That said, he wasn’t ever insensitive or uncaring towards any of his girlfriends. Well, this was Josh; he wasn’t insensitive or uncaring towards anyone, but least of all, the girls he dated, because yes, it wouldn’t last, but it was important for there and then. And he knew not to toy with people’s feelings and he knew not to be flippant or say things he didn’t mean, because one way or another, it’d lead to something he really didn’t mean or want to deal with. He could just about lie when she asked him for his opinion on her dress or whatever, but that was really to keep his own head.
He’d never told anyone that he thought it was more serious than he really did, and it meant he’d be kicking himself later because he shot his chance at scoring to hell, but fine.
He’d never told anyone he loved them, because frankly, he didn’t.
So, Matt’s question threw him, really.
"Josh...?" the uncertainty in his voice reverberated softly through the enclosure in the car, like rain gently trickling through inside the ground, and Josh’s imperceptible “mm” in response dissolved. "Do you love me...?"
He almost tensed, but caught himself just in time, not wanting Matt to realise his sheer surprise at it all, especially with them so close. He hadn’t seen that coming, of all the things. He hadn’t expected Matt to accuse him of not caring either, but that was… more plausible than this. He hadn’t expected this because… because it spoke of such need, such emotional longing and Josh had become accustomed to Matt freaking out at the sheer mention or beginning of anything real between them. But all that dispelled now and here they were, with Matt wondering whether Josh loved him and though he knew he’d been called because Matt needed him, he wasn’t prepared for this.
So he sat there, holding the other boy, eyes slightly widened as he looked out into the view beyond the windshield, as if that might grant him an answer.
It didn’t. And he didn’t know. In a way, it felt silly that people were automatically expected to just know when they weren’t and were in love and it felt even sillier, given the tone of relationship that Matt had asserted since day one. Added to that, an insecure part of him wondered the difference between Matt wanting to be loved, and Matt wanting to be loved by him, before he decided to dispel it; that didn’t make much of a difference as to whether Josh loved him or not, did it?
He didn’t know, and he didn’t want to say yes, in case it came out sounding empty or did more damage to the situation. And he didn’t say yes because if he did love Matt, he didn’t want to acknowledge it now, only to be faced with later, when Matt walked away. That’d always been on the table, hadn’t it? It was a dirty little secret for Matt, it was something to be ashamed of, and when he had his fill, he’d walk away and they’d never talk about it again. It was always the plausible scenario despite all the evidence Josh mustered up against it. So, he didn’t say yes, because deep down, the lack of assurance he had scared him.
But he didn’t say no, because he knew that wasn’t entirely true, and he knew for sure that’d do more damage.
“I drove out here in the middle of the night for you,” he pointed out softly, letting the words come to him, still holding the other boy against him. “What does that say?”
"Life is just a chance to grow a soul" - A. Powell Davies
|19th Jan 2010, 03:02 PM||Matt and Josh - Matt's car #35|
'Do you love me?'...
Well. If that didn't send his dignity flying right out the window, Matt didn't know what would. Not that he'd had much of it left to lose in the first place, what with already having made quite the spectacle of himself, being drunk and needy and emotional and just generally pathetic. It wasn't as though there had been many steps down left before he hit rock bottom, was it? And one would think that with not that many steps left, those that did remain would somehow be harder to find. But nope, he'd found them alright, and he hadn't just gone down them, he'd practically hurled himself down. Apparently, when on a downward spiral, it was all much easier to just keep sliding. Though he supposed it made sense; going uphill had always been more difficult than going downhill.
However, drunken metaphors aside, with that one question he'd just asked, it felt as though the last shred of his dignity had gone bye-bye. Especially when all he got in response at first, was total silence. Shocked silence. He was drunk, but he wasn't stupid; he knew the question must have taken Josh by complete surprise, if for no other reason than because of the way Matt had treated him all along. Again, what had he ever given Josh to love, really? It wasn't as though Matt himself could have ever loved anyone who'd treated him the way he'd treated Josh. He'd treated Josh much in the same way that Marie-Elisabeth had treated Matt lately, and Matt sure as hell didn't harbour any particularly tender feelings towards her.
Then again, Matt wasn't Josh, and Josh wasn't Matt. Matt was self-centered and egotistical - he knew it just as well as everyone around him did, even if he didn't openly admit it - and Josh just... wasn't. Josh probably had more ability to love in his little finger, than Matt did in his entire being - though not necessarily because he couldn't, but because he didn't dare to, he couldn't afford to, because it felt to him like nothing around him was actually real, it was all make believe - which only went on to explain even further why he figured he'd shocked Josh by asking that stupid, stupid question.
With his head still resting against Josh's shoulder, staring blindly at the dashboard in front of him and dreading the answer - or the continued lack thereof - he could just imagine the look on Josh's face right now. Like a deer caught in the headlights. Josh knew Matt didn't handle rejection very well, and that he didn't take kindly to being denied what he wanted. Added to that was the fact that Josh also knew he was hurting right now, and, knowing Josh, he'd desperately want to make things better. And Matt had just wedged him in firmly between a rock and a hard place.
Had Matt not been so damned miserable, it would have been almost funny.
But, he was, and it wasn't. He really needed for the question to be answered, he hungered to be validated as something more than just an empty poster boy for the teen dream. And the only one who could do that, was Josh, because he was the only one who'd ever been allowed - albeit most reluctantly - to see what was behind the facade. He was the only one who knew. And even he probably didn't even know half of it.
God, what a mess...
"I drove out here in the middle of the night for you. What does that say?"
At long last, Josh spoke, his voice gentle and warm through the chilly air as he pointed out the current circumstances and their significance, and his arm still resting protectively around Matt's fragile frame. Yet all the softness in the world couldn't hide the fact that it was a reply, but not an answer. It wasn't a yes or a no. Although that of course was often answer enough, wasn't it? It was the classic evasive maneuver, filled with diplomacy and carefully designed to not say too little, but even more so not to say too much either. Matt knew how it worked. Lord knows he'd practiced his fair share of it.
Matt didn't know quite how to react. It stung terribly - hoping for the world and getting the moon always did - and he wasn't sure which was really worse; being flat out told "no", or having his question sidestepped like this, as a "no" gently covered in bubble wrap.
Though he didn't lash out, like he normally would when feeling exposed. There was nothing of relief or contentment in the way that he gave a small sigh and pulled back, out of Josh's embrace, but there was no vitriol in it either. Only resignation, as if even though the answer wasn't exactly what he'd wanted to hear, it wasn't what he hadn't wanted to hear either. It was close enough, and a clear indication that Josh did care about him.
Yet, he couldn't completely silence the bitter voice at the back of his mind, that insisted that considering how nice Josh was, not just to Matt but to frickin' everyone, was there someone he wouldn't have driven out here for in the middle of the night, had they called him up, drunk and desperate?
But fair enough, he supposed, managing a reasonable thought in the midst of his drunken stupor. Matt himself was probably no closer to confessing to loving Josh, than Josh was to confessing to loving Matt, so fair enough.
"I guess", he mumbled as he slumped back in his seat again, and rubbed the back of his hand against his forehead as though it would somehow help clear his head.
Though the mumble was more out of mental and physical exhaustion than it was sulkiness, as indicated by the fact that the answer itself was somewhat incoherent; a response to something Josh hadn't actually said in so many words.
He was just so tired.
"You can go if you want", he then added, as if saying that if Josh didn't want to stay anymore, Matt would understand. "It's okay. I'll manage."
|24th Jan 2010, 12:52 AM||Josh and Matt - Woods #36|
Josh was pretty certain he’d screwed that one up. It was such a direct question, putting the subject glaringly under the limelight like that and he couldn’t sidestep, he couldn’t dance around it and he most certainly couldn’t pretend he’d just not heard it. More though, it was such a delicate question. Both for himself and for Matt, because it brought with it a gravity that Josh wasn’t sure either of them was really ready to address or acknowledge. Besides, if there was ever a time to go into that, this – with Matt inebriated and wallowing in his stupor and depression, and Josh frankly at a loss as to what to say or do – definitely wasn’t it.
He hadn’t wanted to say something stupid, so he’d ended up saying something pretty stupid. Typical.
There was no immediate recoil to his words, but if Josh knew Matt, and the relationship between them – and out of it’s two participants, someone had to know it for what it was – he knew it hadn’t gone down well, or lightly. Matt’d asked the question, for a specific answer, and Josh had failed to give it. Of course it made him feel guilty, because it was such a sensitive and personal subject that Josh knew Matt wouldn’t have brought it up if he hadn’t desperately needed something regarding it. Matt wouldn’t swallow his pride for anything trivial, after all. So he knew it was important, but in the panic of the moment, he screwed it up.
But Matt handled it all better than Josh thought he would and... he was starting to worry that that was definitely a bad sign. The Matt he knew would tighten up and rebuff it all... this one didn’t....
Just a small sigh and he pried himself slowly out of Josh’s tender embrace, as if he didn’t want it anymore because it wasn’t real, genuine enough and Josh... it was real and genuine to Josh. But he didn’t say anything or protest, letting Matt set the tone after the silence.
"I guess,” he mumbled, resigning himself back into the driver’s seat again and Josh’s eyes darted for the car keys instinctively, but he soon brushed off the thoughts. Still... it was really, really disconcerting how incredibly out of character for Matt this was, how this was worlds away from that sprightly young man that dominated Brooklake’s social vibe. But in a way, it was him, because after all that front, there had to be something very different that he was ashamed of. This, then.
Josh just waited again, careful in rejecting his urges to immediately elaborate on what he’d meant as a way of patching the whole situation up, or painting it over in potentially misleading colours. But he managed to refrain; he didn’t want to cause more damage.
"You can go if you want,” Matt then continued in a tone of voice that wasn’t the “I’m done with you now, don’t need anymore” that Josh was expecting, and therefore more equipped to deal with. This was... this was almost meek, undemanding... drained. If he hadn’t had alarm bells ringing in his head before, Josh definitely heard them now; this wasn’t a situation that’d right itself once Matt got sober, this was about to blow. "It's okay. I'll manage."
No... long term issues aside, Josh had serious doubts as to whether Matt would manage from here on. In fact, that had been one of his primary worries in dashing over to Irwayne Woods a little while earlier; that Matt would do something like trying to drive in this state, especially from a cliff side at that too. So, no, he wasn’t going to go, and frankly, he didn’t want to go. He was here because he cared, because he wanted to make sure Matt’d be okay and yeah, he’d done a shoddy job of soothing Matt’s emotional insecurities, but he wasn’t even tempted to leave him out here on his own.
“Well, you don’t have to, not on your own,” he asserted firmly, saying once and for all that he wasn’t going to go off anywhere, and saying that he didn’t want to. A deep breath drew into his throat as he relaxed his shoulders, running his hand though his bed hair in trying to figure out what to do next; he didn’t want to do the mistake of wham-bam fixing the practical situation again, because there was so much more to it than that and so, having learned his lesson, he decided to let Matt decide, now with the knowledge that he wasn’t alone in this. Well, any more that he made himself be, anyway. But Josh supposed he couldn’t force him to let him in any faster than he was ready to do, so he didn’t push it; he’d leave it to Matt.
“What do you want to do?”
"Life is just a chance to grow a soul" - A. Powell Davies
|27th Jan 2010, 12:47 AM||Matt and Josh - Matt's car #37|
Matt didn't know what he wanted. Right here, right now, drunk and wallowing in self pity in the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night, he really didn't know what he wanted. "For once" might have been a phrase to be added in his head, had it not started becoming increasingly clear to him, even in this thoroughly inebriated state, that despite how confident and purposeful he would usually portray himself, he usually didn't have a clue while sober either. He acted as though he did, he knew what he was supposed to want, and he went after it. And most of the time he got it, too. But frankly, deep down, it was getting more and more difficult to convince himself it was what he wanted. He loved the glory and the envy that every conquest and achievement caused among his friends and the unwashed masses, but... lately it had started feeling as though it was only because his popularity was all he had. It was all he knew, and he was so scared of ever losing it, because without it, what was he?
That, in turn, begged the question of whether he really wanted popularity, like he kept telling himself, and had kept telling himself ever since he was little and had first noticed that apparently he was expected to be popular, or whether it was all just a fear of the unknown that kept him a slave to it? He did tend to appreciate the few moments of solitude that he would sometimes get, and at the same time, if they got to be too many or too long, they would make his head spin with things he didn't like to think about, and he'd throw himself right back into the company of his "friends". When he was surrounded by people, he would sometimes want to just be alone, and when he was alone, he would sometimes just want to be surrounded by people. And for the life of him, he couldn't figure out which was the one he really wanted.
Even now he was having trouble figuring it out. Or maybe especially now, with the realization having dawned on him, with him too drunk to do what he usually did and try to push it out of his mind. He'd told Josh he could leave if he wanted to, but he wasn't really sure if he actually wanted to be alone. Or if he even dared to be alone. There was just so much going on in his head, and nothing of it good.
"Well, you don't have to", Josh stated in a resolute tone from beside him, "not on your own."
Apparently, he saw that Matt himself was unsure, and caught on to the fact that what he'd said had been mostly his way of giving Josh an easy out, after having put him on the spot like that, asking if Josh loved him. As though he thought the shock Josh had felt might have sent him into the kind of guy's panic that would have him wanting to bail. But then again, it wasn't as though Josh would have to be Sherlock Holmes to pick up on Matt's dejection. Matt was hardly up to par, as far as his ability to muster his convincing portrayal of Matt Sidle, King of Brooklake went.
And it didn't sound like he wanted to get the hell out of there, and was staying only because he felt obligated to. Like Josh himself had pointed out, he'd driven out here in the middle of the night, and regardless of whether or not he would have done it for others too, it still meant he cared. Matt might be drunk, and feeling a bit rejected as well as extremely self-conscious at the moment, but he did still recognize that. Even if his reaction to it all was far different from what it would usually have been. Something of which Josh too seemed to be most aware, but had the decency not to point out. Despite the telltale glance Matt saw him shooting him, as though he was worried Matt would suddenly burst out of the car and jump off the cliff in front of them. Or possibly start up the car and drive off the cliff.
Not that it wasn't tempting...
"What do you want to do?", Josh asked after a few moments of silence, his voice intruding on Matt's spiralling thoughts, and bringing his gaze back to land on the blue-eyed boy's (somewhat blurry) face.
Oh, the irony of that question. With Matt just having established to himself that he really had no clue what he wanted, on pretty much any level, the timing was just impeccably ironic.
Yet even so, his reply came surprisingly quick, as due to his intoxication, the first thought to jump into his head, made it equally fast past his lips;
"Disappear", he replied without a moment's hesitation.
And true enough it was. He really was too tired to deal with all this crap, to fight for something that was going down the crapper anyway, and... just the thought of losing everything he had, no matter how little it may be, just made his stomach twist into a thousand tiny knots, and his hands shake. It made his breathing quiver, and his heart to freeze in his chest.
He didn't want to do this. He didn't want to have to do this, not any of it. Nothing would have been more of a blessing to him, than if a hole had just suddenly opened up in the ground and let him sink through it, and just not deal with all this. It would have been such a relief...
Though as even in this state, he realized it wasn't possible, the comment was just followed by a listless shrug of his shoulders.
"I dunno", he said, and then opted for what right now seemed like the second best thing... despite him already being there, and despite it not really having helped at all; "Get hammered?"
|29th Jan 2010, 12:19 PM||Josh and Matt - Woods #38|
"Disappear,” the reply shot out immediately and Josh suppressed the urge to sigh, either out of concurrence or resignation. Because yes, he wanted certain people to just disappear. Well, okay, not certain people, but certain things, like the fact that Natalie and Esteban knew. Like the fact that by not being honest with people, he’d managed to dig himself a hole so deep that it was taking all this to get out of it. As much as he wanted others to be happy too, Josh figured that there was only so much compromise he could do; he was what he was, and he should be perfectly at ease to be that, right? It wasn’t like he was hurting anyone, it wasn’t like it was morally wrong. So, he wished all the expectations would just disappear.
But it was also resignation, because he knew Matt wasn’t talking about that, he was talking about himself. And... no. Running away wasn’t the answer, because whatever everyone else was going to think, Josh and Matt weren’t in the wrong, they hadn’t done anything to be ashamed of, and so they weren’t the ones who had to disappear in shame. They had to stand and make their point, because everyone else was wrong. Fine, well meaning advice and all, and Josh couldn’t reject it all because he had, this far, done everything asked of him, but it just wasn’t their place to dictate his sexuality. They didn’t have to deal with it, they didn’t have to live in denial; he did. And he’d tried, and it just wasn’t fair to expect him to do that to himself.
And partly, it was because he should have known it wouldn’t help much to ask Matt for directive on what to do now.
"I dunno,” Matt continued with a vacant shrug and Josh turned to him, expecting himself to be wrong on that. "Get hammered?"
Yeah. That was helping so much, right?
As much as Matt wanted to delve into escapism, Josh knew they couldn’t. Burying their heads in the sand wasn’t going to fix anything. Especially now that Natalie and Esteban knew, they didn’t have the luxury of waiting around for things to go right again; they had to make the move. Right now, Josh had to make the move. And he couldn’t help Matt more than practically when things were like this and while he was just... not in touch with lucidity. It’d be better when he was sober.
The thought did cross Josh’s mind; to try sober him up as much as he could and then discuss the whole situation, but he wasn’t that desperate. Matt was drunk, emotionally worn, exhausted and so, any discussion involving rationality could wait until a better time. Besides, it wasn’t going to help right now, anyway.
A decisive deep breath flooded through his nasal passages as he leaned back in the seat before pulling himself up straight in resolution of what he was going to do. Firstly, given how drunk Matt seemed, Josh figured he had a hell of a hangover coming his way in the morning, and he didn’t want him to deal with that on top of everything else. Plus, it’d be a dead giveaway to the Sidles that Matt had spent the previous evening getting stupidly drunk and on the off chance they came down hard on him, with his emotional instability already, it wouldn’t go well. Matt would snap, he’d probably spill and that’d lead to even greater problems. On one hand, Josh couldn’t help but feel that that might be better, if Matt was forced to tell his parents, because they had to come around, right? If they cared? And Matt wasn’t going to do it anytime soon by himself, so....
Alright. Honestly, he was tempted. But Josh wasn’t manipulative, he wasn’t going to trap Matt into anything regardless of whether it’d be a good move or not, and knowing Matt, if the decision was taken out of his hands – though, he wasn’t likely to know that for sure – it was invariably going to be a bad move. So conscience and rationality combined, Josh’d do the responsible thing.
Which meant he had to get Matt to drink a lot of water before he got him home, and all the while hoping to God that they got there before Matt’s parents did.
“It’s best if we get you home,” he announced softly, yet firmly, something in his voice indicating that it wasn’t up for discussion, reaching out to get the car keys before opening the door to the chilling air and stepping out of the car, his torso still inside as he gently shifted Matt onto the passenger’s seat, buckling him in with the seat belt before walking over to the driver’s side, and taking his place behind the wheel. Then it occurred to him that they should really have a back-up plan or some sort of cover story; “What are we gonna do if your parents are back?”
After all, he'd never dealt with them before, he had no idea what they were even likely to fall for.
"Life is just a chance to grow a soul" - A. Powell Davies
|7th Feb 2010, 10:23 PM||Matt and Josh - Matt's car #39|
Was Josh getting fed up with him? Or angry with him? Sitting there in the car, in the middle of nowhere, with Josh in the seat next to his, Matt was getting the distinct impression that he was. For even though there was no impatient sigh to filter through the silence left between them after Matt's latest and, in his own drunken opinion, rather reasonable suggestion, Matt felt as though he could still sense it in the very air around them. Then again, he knew he was drunk, and that his limbs weren't functioning the way they usually did, and that his brain wasn't functioning the way it usually did, and so really, why should his ability to pick up on the mindframe of others function the way it usually did? He might just be imagining it.
Still, if Josh really was getting angry with him, then why? What for? What had Matt done? It wasn't like it was he who was asking stupid questions, was it? (Well, minus the utterly idiotic "do you love me?" one a few minutes ago, but that one, Matt had already made a conscious effort to forget.)
'What do you want to do'... Pffft! Did it frickin' look like Matt knew what he wanted to do? Would he be here in the first place, if he knew what he wanted to do? Would he be drunk off his *ss, and calling Josh in the middle of the night to rant, had he known what he wanted to do? Really, what did Josh expect? He could have just as well asked Matt how to solve world hunger, for Christ's sake! Or what, did he expect Matt to all of a sudden go "Ooh, ooh, I know! Let's tell the whole world what we're doing, and have them all think we're freaks!"
Yeah, right... Great plan, Josh! No, really! Just brilliant!
Idiot jocks and their head traumas...
"It's best if we get you home."
The sound of Josh's voice cut firmly through Matt's inner argument with him, bringing him out of the maze that his mind had seemed to become over the past few hours, and making him groan at what he said. Get Matt home? Oh, whoop-dee-doo, another brilliant plan! Someone should get Josh a medal.
Matt didn't want to go home. Home was where he'd fled from in the first place, because it was empty, and deserted, and left him all alone with all these thoughts that were driving him crazy. He didn't want to go back there, and start all over.
Yet he didn't protest. Josh's tone had made it clear that his words were final, and for some reason really quite beyond his own comprehension, Matt accepted it. Not even when Josh stole his keys, and then got out of the car and started tugging at him on order to get him over to the passenger side, did he protest. He just grumbled something about wanting the keys back later, and then tried his best to assist - resulting in one of his less graceful moments, when he found his legs to be more in the way rather than helping - eventually ending up finally sitting properly in the seat, and watching obediently as Josh leaned over him to buckle him in, before shutting the door, rounding the car, and sliding himself in behind the wheel.
However, instead of just going ahead and starting the car like Matt had expected him to, he paused, and turned his head to look at Matt.
"What are we gonna do if your parents are back?", he asked, as though the thought had just occurred to him.
And as though Matt hadn't just told him that his parents weren't going to be home tonight. Matt couldn't remember right now where they had said they were going, but he did remember that wherever it was, they'd said they'd be staying there over night.
Yeah... Yeah, they had, because otherwise Matt wouldn't have gotten drunk in the first place. Or at least he thought he wouldn't have, because he'd been sober before he got drunk, and he always made more rational decisions when sober, and so wouldn't have decided to drink, if he'd been sober, and expecting his parents home tonight.
God, his head was still spinning...
"How should I know?", he muttered, and leaned his head against the cool door window and closed his eyes.
It wasn't his idea to go home, after all, and so if Josh was so bloody eager to get him there, let him worry about it.
"They're not", he added only a few seconds later, however, eyes still closed, and then gave a tired sigh. "Just go..."
|29th Mar 2010, 10:24 PM||#40|
(((ooc: Due to lack of time, we're leaving it for the last post to wrap up this scenario. Josh drove Matt home - finding that the Sidle's were still away - put Matt to bed after making him drink plenty of water to spare him the massive hangover he had coming, and then took a cab back to Irwayne Woods to get his own car, before going home.
We both hope everyone who's been following this RP has enjoyed it as much as we have. Thank you for reading. )))