I need help coming up with the most gentle way to tell someone I work with what I need and don't need from her in a specific situation. I need to do this in a way that won't hurt her sense of self or worth, won't alienate her or make her feel criticized. I wish to remain collaborative, yet need to curb her action/reaction to a situation.

The situation is this: I work with special needs children in an inclusionary setting. One of my students had a melt down yesterday at the end of class. It was intense. There was yelling, falling down on the ground, and even some striking out. I was handling it, but, understandably, it was upsetting to the people around us. As I was focusing on the student and trying to help him get to a better place, this person offered to help. When I said no thank you, she asked if I was sure. Then she asked if I was ok. She asked if the student was ok. She tried to talk to the student and to sooth him by telling him everything was ok. She asked if she should call someone for help. Each time I had to answer her, my stress level rose. It took all of my energy and focus to help my student. Each repeated inquiry derailed me. At some point we left the room and went into the hallway. I talked to him for quite a bit and finally got him to agree to go with me to a quiet, more sheltered place where we could talk about what was bothering him with someone who could help. As we were crossing the campus, she joined us and tried to engage him in pleasant conversation. She kept wishing us "a better afternoon". At one point I looked at her and said softly, for her ears only, "Less words, please." My student was still in a vulnerable and volatile place.

I could just let this go, but since it could happen again, I feel I need to address it and let her know what I need from her in this situation. I'm just not sure how to say it yet which is what I'm asking for help with. I've gotten some input from a couple of people so far, but it still needs some polish.

The problem with her reaction was that it was not the least bit helpful and was actually harmful. It added to the stress my student was feeling and it increased the stress I was already feeling as I was trying to help him.

I understand how upsetting it can be to see a student lose it the way he did. I like to think of the school as a "safe" place to work on coping skills because there are professionals there who understand and do not overreact. Apparently, this is not always the case. I need to tell her that if he loses it again, the best way to support me is to just be present and to wait. I know that if she's there, I can ask for help if I need it. I can ask her to call someone or jump in if I'm not making any progress. I need to be allowed to do my job and to work with the student, without interruptions, to get him to a place where he is in control of his feelings. The interruptions and the attempts at pleasant, distracting conversation were more upsetting. How do I approach her and what words do I use? I want her to allow me to do my job yet I still want her support. And I don't want to damage my working relationship with her.

Thanks for your help.

That's when you tell her you have him under control but you'd appreciate it if she could help keep the other kids calm. If that fails your going to have to tell her straight out, it's a special situation do you mind stepping back and letting me handle this. Also you can take her aside now that everything is said and done and explain to her what went down. I understand what it takes to handle special need kids, during a situation is not the time to have to worry about someones self worth. The thing that matters is making the special need child calm down.

I give you credit for working with these children, not many people have the nerves to do so. They're great kids, they just need a little bit more time and understanding.

Odd place to ask this - I guess you're asking all over the place. Still, it's a bit difficult to comment without more detail. What is the relationship of this person to you and your workplace? Is she a boss, a colleague on an equal professional level, a helper - volunteer, employee/employer? The way you respond will depend on the relationship. I agree with Drowning Fishy that providing her with an alternative focus might help but generally these things have to be handled by being honest and frank without being judgemental - a difficult trick to pull off. One strategy that might help (especially if she is more junior to you) is to discuss the situation colleague to colleague as though you are consulting her about the best course of action - make it out as though you are attempting to improve the team effort. An old teaching trick is to assess her performance (without appearing to be giving an assessment in this case I'd say) by starting with what she did right (responsive, caring - 'it was good you were concerned') and then emphasize how things could have gone better focussing on the needs of the child (the need to stand back and give space - 'he really needs to have the space and time to calm down without distraction and *we* need to give him that') and perhaps on how she can help you do that ('it's really helpful if you take over watching the others while I deal with this'). Emphasize the priority which needs to go to the child but also the joint action - people will generally take constructive criticism if you are positive and inclusive about it. This is easier if you have authority - sorry if that's not helpful.

Thanks DrowningFishy. You came up with a nice way of saying it that would work well when we're in the middle of it. I'll have to commit those words to memory. Thank you.

I think I should also address it now in a private conversation when we're not in class or in the middle of a crisis as soon as I can. I thought of leading with something like, "I know that was upsetting when (student) lost control of himself in class. We're working with him to help him understand his emotions and to express them appropriately." I don't know what to say exactly after that. I want to say something that will enlist her support. Maybe, "As upsetting as it is, could you please support me by letting me handle it alone? When I'm working with a student in crisis, it takes all of my energy and concentration to get him through it. I know you meant to help, but I found it distracting to try to respond to you. If you could just be there in case I need you and if you could keep the other students calm, that would be the biggest help." I'm not entirely sure about this. I really don't want to alienate her in any way nor do I want her to feel criticized.

Thanks for responding, Maxon. Our posts crossed each other. Your suggestions are helpful, but I'm still struggling with the exact words to use. She is a classroom teacher and I am there as support. Our relationship is one of colleagues, each with our own sets of skills and specialized knowledge. I like the idea of employing "we" as a means to gain collaboration, but am wary of her trying to handle this situation by herself. That's really something I'm supposed to do since, between the two of us, I have the most knowledge of the child, his issues, and what the special ed team is using as an approach to his behavior.

I realize this is a strange place to post this, but it's really one of the safest places I can and yet I know good minds will help. We have professional groups at work that meet regularly, but, awkwardly enough, she's in my group, so I can't bring it there. I don't really want to talk about her at work, so....

Last edited by VerDeTerre : 3rd Dec 2011 at 03:00 PM.

ooo yeah, that's a bit more difficult. As a teacher (and speaking as one myself), she is going to view what happens in her classroom as her responsibility. And that's quite right. In one sense, teachers are classroom managers and they get all the responsibility that goes with that. If something goes wrong in your classroom, you end up being responsible for it - in both the moral AND legal sense. I don't teach children, incidentally, but I can assure you the burden of making sure the classroom is safe for everyone is something you feel.

I wonder - and this is without really knowing anything in detail about your situation - if what the problem is for her is a matter of trust. Feeling the responsibility of care for her students and knowing that she is ultimately responsible, she is finding it hard to trust you? I'm not saying you're not trustworthy - I'm sure you are - but that, if it were me, I would be concerned about handing care of one of my students to another if I was not clear about what was going on and what they were doing. Does that make sense?

Perhaps an alternative approach would be you approaching her to discuss your concerns about how you want to do better for your student - again a professional discussion about what strategies you feel you need to employ. Talk in some detail about what you think he feels and needs and how you can respond to that - emphasize what your team has decided as strategy. You can use this discussion then to inform her about what you do to help the student at these crisis times, show her that you know what you are doing and reassure her that you can cope. The trickiness here is to let her know what's happening without ceding any of your professional working space (so to speak) - you need to maintain the professional colleague relationship and not let her feel (or attempt) that she needs to take over. That's not so easy. My suggestion would be to talk about what you are doing, allowing her to comment but without asking for advice. Don't be afraid to contradict anything she says if it's unhelpful.

Edit: I'm going out shopping now - I'll pop back later. These things are hard to do and the right solution is not necessarily predictable, obvious or always the same.

Hi Maxon,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. I like the strategy you suggested. I'm a fan of being transparent, both with teachers and with students unless there is an issue of privacy at stake. I think I'll try that approach, although I'm still trying to come to the right set of words or phrases to use that would give the best result. I don't believe this is a situation of trust since she has trusted me so much with what happens with these kids, although I understand where many teachers would feel that. When it comes to these students, I can see that she is struggling to understand what motivates them and what they need. I think it was her own nervousness and inexperience that led to the issue. Even experienced teachers could find the behavior and responses of autistic students unpredictable and confounding at times.

Anyway, you've both given me some things to think over. I have the weekend or so to let this rest. Thanks again for your help.

Hi VerderTerre - I've been thinking about you while I was out. That's a teacher thing, I think.


Yes, I think you are probably right and that's what I meant by trust issues - not you personally, but the situation and trusting herself to let you handle it. She's in an awkward position because she's not sure, she has responsibility for all her students and is finding it difficult to let go enough to let you do your job. You don't say what age she is but I did wonder whether she was relatively young.

You are right too in that communication is the key. If she can see that you share a common purpose, a common care, in regard to this student and show that you have skills and knowledge to offer, it will make things easier for her both to stand back when needed and, perhaps in the long run, help her develop the sense of being able to be in partnership with you. It'll take time though. Good luck.

I hope that doesn't sound patronizing - when my professional buttons get pushed, it's like someone throws a switch in my head and I go off into professional mode.

you could start off by telling her that you appreciate that she is there to help then explain to her what you need her to be during in said situation. If you feel inclined eplain why what she did wasn't helpful like if it was overwealming the child further tell her so because if this is part of her job she needs to know these things or she may do something that turn the situation WORSE case scenario. And just remember that you're saying this for her benifit and yours and the childs.

Frankly it bothers me when someone doesn't get the "I-don't-want-your-'help'-go-away-now-please" hint. Of course I wouldn't yell at her, especially if the child is upset. I would probably just tell her "It's under control." if she continued to bother me, I'd ask her to please go away. If she continued some more, I'd tell her very politely where she can go.

Thank you so much everyone, I knew I came to the right place!

I appreciate all of your thoughtful responses, even Lance's whose post disappeared. And Maxon, I didn't take what you said as patronizing in the least. Thank you for thinking about this and applying your professional knowledge to the issue.

While the teacher isn't young, she is new to the school and the position. I think she is also somewhat new to teaching. She does not seem to understand how these kids think or learn. This type of student is a special challenge for many teachers and we're all trying to learn what is going to help him succeed.

A few of you suggested it would be a good idea to give her a job or role to fulfill in that type of situation. I realized that I really could use her help documenting the incident. I document various things throughout the day, but in the middle of a crisis, I'm in no position to and I'm likely to forget the details afterwards. Someone else taking notes at that time would be very useful.

Taking what everyone has said into consideration, I have outlined a basic plan:

*Acknowledge how upsetting the incident is.

*Ask for help with documentation and keeping bystanders calm and out of the way. That could include a request for minimal interruptions to the person dealing with the situation, including offers to help. Here I could say, "Just ask once and then trust that whoever is dealing with it will call on someone if they need help."

*Discuss student's goals concerning recognizing and regulating emotions and expressing them, as well as the social thinking skills piece.

*Talk about some of the strategies that the team is using to help him. Inform her that the response is somewhat counter-intuitive and that the team consists of several professionals from within the school and an outside consultant. (I would hope, however, that she does not attempt the strategies herself until she's had more opportunity to observe how they are delivered. I can't say this to her, but it is a concern of mine.)

*Thank her for her work with the kids and for her support.

This probably won't be the last time I need to address it, but if I can say those things, it will be like laying a foundation for future requests/responses.

Thanks again everyone for your help.

Last edited by VerDeTerre : 4th Dec 2011 at 03:56 PM.

Just wanted to add another small thing. I don't work with developmentally disabled children, but my daughter does and I've listened to her vent about work for almost 3 years (so now I'm an expert lol). She worked in public school classroom as a para for a boy with an autism diagnosis for a year. Another thing you could discuss maybe in the meeting is having a way to ask for help if a child is in crisis - because I remember my daughter saying that sometimes when her (high functioning) child was melting down, sometimes he couldn't find a way back, and it helped to have another person take over. It doesn't sound like the teacher in your case has a lot of training though, but maybe if she was sympathetic to him, it could help.
But I guess this is a very common problem because I know the boy she worked with would go way off the rails, and it would sometimes disrupt the whole school and that put her in a very difficult situation.

Hi Rose,

Thanks for your input. You're right that it does help to talk to someone else. Once I was able to get the student to calm down, I convinced him to go see someone who could help him untangle his emotions and look at what happened. That wasn't going to happen there - too public and too much going on. It also wasn't going to happen with that teacher. She really does not have the background, the experience, or the understanding of the student to do any of it. I'm hoping I can communicate to her how she can help and that she will allow me to do my job next time without adding more stress to the situation.

Yeah, in my daughter's school, there were a few teachers who were either trained or naturally good at handling the boy's behavioral difficulties - they knew when to ignore what he was doing or let things go and they always had her back. But most of the teachers were like the one you describe: unprepared for - or unaccepting of - mainstreaming.

I was able to talk to the teacher in question today and it seemed to go ok. She was a little concerned and confused why I didn't want her help. Hopefully, she understands a little better now why it's better to do nothing. We'll see if the message took if it happens again.

Thanks again everyone for your input.

Glad it worked out, and I feel like I should say something since this is probably a unique situation. I was a kid in those special education classes, what you do does leave an impression on the kids. I know the teachers I remeber and depended on in school was not the mainstream teachers but the special education teachers. Your kids will remeber you for years. Keep up the good work working with those kids. And never think your job is never appreciated.

That's so sweet of you. Thank you.

How about. "Thanks. I'll let you know if I need your help."

This also works great for pushy dates. "I'll let you know if I'm interested in going out."

This way the person doesn't continously offer, and you can decline politely.

That is a good response. Thank you, I'll try it if it comes up again.