I truly believe that feeling of regret is part of the grief process - I am reliably informed that there are several 'classic' stages of grief' and that the regret stage is one of them, it also includes anger, disbelief and after transitioning through all that you find acceptance.

I also feel that as a guy you are programmed to 'fix things' because that's how guys deal with problems, we try to fix it - and as much as we want to we can't fix everything, we couldn't prevent the death or save them, and that's the bit that hurts most. I found it very therapeutic to talk to a councilor about my grief because I could offload a lot of emotional 'crap' that I couldn't say to anyone else (I am sure you know what I mean) and through that I found some perspective - I accessed this person through my family doctor. I wish you well.

I would caution anyone about believing the stages theory. That is an "old thing" floating around that took hold and is not exactly accurate. It was useful in its time because it introduced the idea that there are different types or aspects of grieving, but fails by suggesting that there is some sort of order to it. Frankly, those who grieve may go through some or all of those "stages", in any order or no order in particular, and the stages can repeat randomly.

The one that surprised me and that I had not experienced before my parents died was anger. I was ripped that my parents left me and I never expected to feel that way in a million years.

The stages of grief thing was developed by observing people who were themselves dying - not the people left behind. I can find the paper if you want me to - might take a bit of digging but I have seen it. Anyway, the idea was misapplied, though, as you say, the idea that grief develops and grows and is a process is a reasonable one.

I get angry too sometimes VerdeTerre - not every time but sometimes. It's a natural response to being hurt I suppose.

I see what you mean about the stages - they are not accurate nor predictable merely a fuzzy guideline of what one may or may not expect.

The anger, I did ... I remember (and this is going to sound so stupid) .. I went to try to clear/clean the room my mother occupied and the anger was explosive - I trashed the room in my anger at death. I hit something, I don't know what, and broke two fingers doing it. I just uttered a complete rage driven rant at death .. Like he was going to hear me I cursed and double cursed him and left death in no doubt how I felt.

I agree with all of the above. Anger and Regret go hand in hand with mourning. GnatGoSplat- you are walking that difficult balance between allowing yourself to feel the overwhelming and unexpected grief, while still functioning in this world. Your dad sounds like he was a remarkable person. You said he was a Neurologist. I worked in a hospital and these were my favorite docs. They saw tremendous devastation, and yet were so eternally optimistic. It takes a very special person to be drawn to that field and it sounds like your dad was very special indeed.

i am a grief counselor and my job mostly involves listening. Grief brings up SO many feelings, fresh, raw, complicated, messy, and some that have been buried for decades. Finding a way to let those feelings out, honoring your dad, and the passage of time is the way through this. If you think I can be of help, please feel free to PM me.

@GnatGoSplat Theres: no time limit on when you need to go through the process of losing someone, it takes longer especially with people you've known since you were a baby. I am still after almost 3 years dealing strongly with it. It gets easy but i'll tell you this it never goes away fully. I really wish you the best in getting through it and hope it gets easier for you.
@Thranduil Oropherion and VerDeTerre: I'm still going through the grieving process even at 3 years. I honestly like to call it a "process" instead of a step by step program like AA or something. It gets easy but it never goes away but in the same sense Alcoholics are always fighting craving Alcohol kind of like people who deal with grief they are always longing for that person.

Hope nobody minds if I necro my own post. Didn't think my little crafty project was cool enough to be worth a new post.

Anyway, my dad was a real lover of tech and his iPhone 4S was his favorite toy. I bought it for him for Christmas a few years ago since he would never treat himself to anything fun. He was always playing with it. He wasn't into social networking or anything like that, he just thought iPhones were the coolest thing ever. He had the thing bogged down, completely full of apps.

That gave me an idea for his cemetery niche: I made a dummy iPhone 4S using real iPhone parts. Might have been easier to start with a plastic dummy, but it was actually $2 cheaper to build one using real metal & glass parts and I thought it would look more realistic and last a lot longer. Then I put in it a candid photo I took of him playing with his iPhone at Ruby Tuesday a year and a half ago, with simulated iPhone UI. Pulled the nameplate off a freebie stationary pad thing and glued it onto the plexi stand.






Damn, I miss my dad so much. I wish I had been a better son to him.

Gnat, that's so cool!

That's a very beautiful tribute to your dad.

Major, major hugs. Why the wish that you had been a better son? From what I've read here that wish is just silly. (My dad has been gone for almost 28 years and I miss him every single day.)

It was hard to talk to my dad. My sisters and my dad's friend were both convinced he was hard of hearing and needed a hearing aid. It did seem like he was hard of hearing; you'd literally have to repeat everything slowly, loudly, and at least 3 times. However, I noticed that he could hear subtle sounds, like if my phone would make a sound, or I tapped on the floor with my foot, he would say, "what's that?" Also, he could talk to my mom or my uncles in Taiwanese at normal or even low volume, and he would understand every word without them having to repeat themselves 3+ times. He'd also been this way for as long as I can remember. So to me it seemed like he just had trouble processing spoken English, as though his internal translator just wasn't any good (had no trouble at all with written English though).

Anyway, talking to him could get downright frustrating and take forever, so I avoided talking to him about anything. I would let him do all the talking, and just respond with head movements and "yep" or "nope". He'd ask, "Anything new?" and every time, "NO, NOTHING NEW, DAD!" He would often tell me how lonely and bored he is, yet I never volunteered to spend any extra time with him outside of our every-other-weekend routine, because I preferred to stay home and do my own thing. I even feel bad that I've been playing Sims games since 2007, and I know he would have enjoyed Sims games too. I even told myself, someday I'll have to get it for him, install it on his computer, and show him out to play, then maybe he won't be so bored. But I never wanted to do it, because I'd have to be at his house till late, for hours and hours, to install it and show/explain it. I just wanted to get home early enough to play a game or watch a movie. So I never really shared anything with him. He was super lonely and really introverted, I was the only person he saw regularly in his life. My sisters would visit him once every 2-3 years and his friend about once or twice a year. So thinking back, I feel like I should have made more of an effort, been more patient, been more than someone that just "yeps" or "nopes" to get through a conversation in the hopes of leaving earlier.

Attached a few pics of my dad. I don't know a lot of grown men who would described their dads as "cute", but mine was super adorable. He was barely over 5' tall, and he would make the cutest facial expressions. I would sometimes take candid pics of him because he looked so cute.

OMG - you are sooo right - he was adorable! I love how he warms to the dog.

Some guys can be hard to reach emotionally. I blame it on their upbringing and culture, although I thought I was doing a good job with my son and he still tends to be stoic. Maybe I should blame his father.... anyway, it can be hard to make that kind of connection. I would say that the little, regular things you did with your dad and for your dad expressed your feelings to him and visa versa. That older generation could be tough.