At every part of my life, shit just seems to get worse at every part and I don't think I can keep living like this anymore, I feel my life is devoid of meaning and happy. I'm so fucking depressed and I can't get out of it anymore or cope. I shut out all my friends and push them away out of the fear that they'll see me for the useless piece of shit I am. At every turn in my life, everything seems to get so fucked up and it becomes a struggle to even motivate myself to get up and live. My mom and dad fight non-stop and I'm always in the middle of their drama, my dad always makes me feel like it's my fucking fault, and I believe him. They shit about each other and try to brainwash me force me to choose sides. I have suicidal thoughts on a daily basis and I feel like they're getting worse. I feel like my life was got even worse, I feel as if no one or anything can get me out of this rut.

@ChinchillaJesus are you taking any medications for depression at the moment?

When was the last time you saw a doctor about depression?

Can you get to a doctor?

Because you are showing some signs that are horribly familiar to any of us who have been down that road - the negative thoughts about yourself and you taking the blame for everything and the lack of motivation are ALL your depression speaking and you need to shut that voice up with medication and therapy.

At every turn in my life, everything seems to get so fucked up <---- Been there .. coming through it now - you NEED to get to a doctor.

I don't take any meds, I live with my father and he's against drugs and therapists. I can't trust therapists with shit like this, they'd tell my dad and it would make things so much worse.

You definitely need to talk to someone who you trust that can put you on the right road to getting help - is there anyone at school/college you can talk to that you can trust? A teacher or counselor? I see you're a christian, is there a minister or pastor you can talk to?

It's not a matter of what your father is against - if you need professional help, you need it.

The thing is, depression makes you feel badly about yourself - it makes you push away people that you love, it makes you blame yourself for everything, it systematically destroys your self esteem and leaves you feeling worthless and empty. The right medication can help stop that self hate.

I have no friends in real life, only acquaintances that I don't trust. I can't trust my school counselour, he once threatened to tell my father that I smoke. I've lost my faith a longtime ago and I don't even think there is a God. I have no way of getting medication legally.

Well to be honest, the smoking thing is pretty understandable - I smoked at school too and the headmaster (after he beat the crap out of me) told my parents They think they are caring for you when they tell your parents shit like that. But something like this, when you are feeling so low is an important issue where counselors have a duty of trust and they also have a duty of care and will help you - they have the contacts to help you, they know people. Getting help for the way you're feeling would be easy for them to arrange. If you could hook up with that help you could be feeling better within a few weeks.

The suicide thoughts - don't go there. Just don't. It solves nothing and believe me it will break more hearts than you can ever know. Between you and me (and the lurkers ) I tried that crap 3 or 4 years ago. You just have to take it from someone old enough to be your dad, you're about my own son's age, that it solves nothing.

Do you think you could possibly speak to the school counselor? If you did, all this pain you are in now could be eased by just getting the proper help.

Please, dude. Do it.

Your home life sounds really bad. I've been there and I know, it sucks. I was able to get help to pull myself out of it to the point where I'm mostly stable. I know how it is to feel useless and like you'll never accomplish anything. I know you don't feel like it now, but you're worth something. I say so, and I'm too stubborn for you to change my mind.
People care about you, and we will prove it. We're going to stick with you, no matter what, okay?

The first thing you need to do to survive is come up with a plan.
First things first: find a way to cope in the short term. Anything that distracts you from the voices telling you that you suck. Video games, Youtube, writing, snapping a rubber band against your wrist, anything. Scream out on the forums if that helps. Distract your brain when it tries to tell you that you suck, and things will become much easier.

Your profile says you're 16 and living in Alberta. I wasn't able to find concrete stuff about this, but it looks like 16-18 year olds will not be dragged back to their parents if they can move out and maintain a residence. This means that you can get away from your parents, away from the brainwashing and fighting and abuse and fucked-up-ness, and you can start to live again. Does that sound like something worth fighting for?
The first thing you need to do for that is find a job. Even if it's just flipping burgers or mowing lawns, find something that will pay the bills. If possible, get something brainless that isn't stressful.
After you get some money saved up, calculate your monthly finances and get out. It doesn't matter if you have to live off of ramen for a year. It's better than dying.

I took a look and found some possible ways for you to get therapy. Often, psychology students have to do a certain number of hours before they can get licenses, so they often give out free or cheap hours, and they're usually monitored by someone who's certified. Look for local training sites, or for online or phones.
Suicide crisis lines: http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/int...e-hotlines.html
If you can't call, then try email support: http://www.befrienders.org/
I know you have internet and an email address, since you're on this site. If nothing else, you can do that.

They will not tell your dad. You'll be as anonymous as you like, and it'll be impossible for them to track you down.

Hell, if it helps, talk to us. We don't know how to contact your dad. I know it doesn't look like it now, but things will get better. They did for me and for all survivors of depression.

You created this thread. That means you want help. You really want to live, or you wouldn't have done this.

You're worth fighting for, and we will prove it. You can escape everything that's going wrong around you without dying, and we can make it happen. All you have to do is let people help. Call a number, send a PM, send out an email. You don't need to try anything else, just keep going until you talk to someone. Get help that first time, and things will be easier afterwards.

I'm going to back up what the others have said. Reach out to professionals, don't hold this in. And don't, please don't end your life. You have no idea how much that will hurt everyone, not just you.

You created this thread. That means you want help. You really want to live, or you wouldn't have done this.
Exactly. In addition to the links given above, here's another one: https://www.imalive.org/index.php They have an online chat - if you're not comfortable talking on the phone to someone, give it a try.

I've been in your shoes. More than once, the most recent time was around a year ago. The most important advice I can give you is this: Now that you've reached out, don't withdraw. Find that one person you feel comfortable talking to. Don't hold back, let them know exactly what's going on with you and let them help.

Remember my thread when I was at the same point? You simply told me to hang in there, and I did. Now I'm telling you the same, hang in there, and do something you've always wanted to do when the Hurricane is over.

I feel for you. I have been depressed just like you, and I still have big scars. What makes me survive, get out of my bed each day and go to school with a smile is because I have a goal. To create a life for myself where I can be myself and feel safe and to give as much love as I can to the people I love. I've talked to therapists and doctors, but to them I am just a little bit of work, I'm nothing, they don't care.

I think you need to find a goal, to at least see a light in the tunnel. What do you want to achieve? Are you ready to do whatever it takes to get you there? Also: working out (it doesn't have to be much) and somewhat making sure you feel like you look good can also help out. And don't forget that it's all in your head

Depending on what the problem is, medication isn't always the right way to go. It can treat the here and now, but doesn't do anything to the underlying problems - which might only grow bigger if you don't do something about them. You also need the right type and dose of medication, and an evaluaition on whether or not you actually need it. It's not as easy as taking a happy-pill, and everything is awesome again. So before you jump right on to medication, get help by talking to someone. A nurse at your school, or some other healthcare professional. Depending on your age, the health care system in your country, and what the problem is, doctors and nurses don't always have to talk to your parents, and will have client confidentiality in some cases, even if you're technically underage. If you're over 18, they can't talk to your parents unless you give them permission. The school councelor or your GP can also be of help if you do want to include your parents, maybe by setting up a meeting with all of you, where you can say what your problems are, and maybe you can find solutions together.

When you find a therapist, make sure you 'click'. It should be someome you feel you can trust, and someone who is actually helping you. If you're not happy with one, try another. If you don't feel comfortable with them, you haven't found the right one. Remember they're people too, so while one therapist might be able to help one group of people, they might not be able to help another group of people, because people are different, and don't always go together.

Without knowing your family situation, don't let your parents' problems drag you further down. Maybe there's someone else in your family you can confide to, and perhaps they can help you talk to your parents. If they see they're making your situation worse, then perhaps they can manage to at least keep their problems to themselves, instead of taking it out on their kids. Parents fighting openly in front of the kids can be quite destructive on kids' mental health.

Finding something you like to do can be a big help, and maybe a way to get your emotions out. Painting or drawing, music, singing, some form of exercise or sport you like, or perhaps another thing entirely. Just something to fill your days with and to feel you're part of something bigger. A lot of people find much help in arts and crafts, or other hobbies. Do something you think or know you can manage, because that feeling will help you cope on other arenas. Whenever you feel you have done things that made you happy, write it down. Also write down when things make you happy, even if it just made you smile for a moment. Then you can go back and look at it, and realize that yes, you did manage something that day, and yes, you did feel happy that day, even if the rest of the day wasn't particularly good.

The thing with depression is that the longer it has a hold on you, the more difficult it can be to do something about it, so do something while you're still at the stage of the condition where you are able to ask for help. The longer you wait, the worse it will be. Trust me on that! I've been in similar shoes, and it's not an easy road. I know how far down depression and anxiety can drag you down and how much it can mess with your life, but I also know that you can get through it. It's a bad phase of your life, but it's (hopefully) just a phase. Sooner or later, life usually gets better, and you'll be happy you continued on.

Life can be shit at times, but that's how life is. There are a lot of good things to life, sometimes even in a bad turn, even if they're harder to spot when everything else seems grey-toned. In most cases, people with depression, anxiety or other mental issues manage to overcome their problems - or at the very least find ways to live with them - and continue on with their lives. There are people in your life who love you and care about you now (maybe they're just not good at showing it), and there might even be lots of people out there who will come to love you and care about you if you let them (they just don't know it yet). Keep up your hope, and you'll see.

If you feel like talking, feel free to PM me. I'm around here pretty much every day.

There must still be some part of you who wants to live, or you wouldn't have come here and shared this with us.
I know that cost you, and it took no small amount of courage for you to ask for help.

So I know you can draw on that courage to get through this. I see some great advice and some excellent links offered in the posts above.
Listen to what these good people are saying to you. You are loved, and there are people who will be devastated if you harm yourself.

I'm hoping that you're already in the process of seeking help. But if you haven't, let me add my plea for you to - do that NOW.

It sounds like you’re really feeling hopeless, but I’m so glad you came here to say something. I won’t fill this space with talking about my own issues, but please believe me when I say that I empathize with you and maybe even know a bit of how you feel.

Everyone here is right about seeking more help, even if it’s not easy. In fact, getting help for depression and fucked-up life situations isn’t a magic bullet even once you do gather up your courage and go seeking it – it can take a lot of time and a lot of work to find something that’s effective for you. That said, it’s worth the fight, I promise you. You are worth the fight, even if you don’t feel that way right now.

Finding help in the short term is important, but overall I want to tell you it really can and really does get better. I don’t know if you’re still a teenager, but even if you’re older than that by now, there’s so much time and so many opportunities for change ahead of you. My 20’s were better than my teens by far, and my 30’s so far have been even better than that. Even if the things you’re dealing with right now are awful, they don’t have to destroy you. You can outlast them and outlive them, move on to find your own happiness.

Please, even if you don’t do anything else, keep posting. We can’t do much more than listen and give encouragement, but please keep talking to us.

Thanks for all the advice and kind words, I'll try to seek out help. I feel a little less shitty today, which, I guess is kind of an improvement.

There isn't a LOVE button big enough for how glad I am to hear that, ChinchillaJesus. <3

*hugs you*

That is good news, ChinchillaJesus. *Jumps on pig pile to add hugs *

*sends in dwarf for proxy hug*

Feel free to shoot me a pm if you ever need to talk

I was just getting ready to hunt you down.. as far as I can sitting in front of my computer in a different country..with absolutely no elite hacking skills. SO: Awesome to hear today is a bit better for you! You've already had offers but here's another one: feel free to PM me if you ever feel you need to. Underneath my green mod hat I'm a normal (as close to normal as I'm ever going to get, that is) person who's been through some shit in my life and I've been told I'm a pretty smart cookie and a good listener.

Please get some help, even someone who is not trained but is a good listener can make a world of difference.

I cannot even describe for you the excruciating pain of losing someone to suicide. To lose a child is unthinkable, to lose one to suicide is absolutely unbearable. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I am not trying, in any way, to minimize what you are feeling. Sadness, depression, hurt, powerlessness are strong emotions. It can feel like a dense, impenetrable fog has surrounded you and there is no way out. But there is a way through, and when you clear the fog, there is light and good things waiting for you, I promise.

Many have given you links and good advice. Choose someone who can listen, and make a plan to feel better. It won't happen in a day or a week, but it will happen. Make a commitment to yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Keep talking and let us know how you are. PM me if I can help. I will hold you in the light.

I have been down a path that is not too far off from yours.

There were times when the only authority figures I could trust were my family because at school, not only was I targeted for harassment by students, but also teachers and various faculty members. When my half sister lived with me, after living hell for 6 hours, I was tortured by my sister, I had been harassed online for mere programming missteps and typos. From these problems, I wanted to commit suicide and I attempted twice. However, when my grandma died last year, my parents fought constantly with my dad's way of grieving (drinking booze) and when he escaped rehab, he confronted my mother, he calmly said to my mom "I don't love you any more". With this, my mom spent a few days with her friend Anita and then, my father, finally sobered up and say "Use your way with words. I want to apologize to mom." and so I convinced mom to come home for the sake of the family. After much work, my parents got through the rough patch and my father recently apologized to me by saying "Sorry for making your life hell last year." Considering I was forced into choosing to live with mom or dad, it was nerve-wracking to see my parents break up before the Pearl Anniversary of when they met.

My point is, don't let the negativity of life consume you. If you need a safe house, find it and go to it, check phone listing for care crisis suicide help lines, do whatever you can. We care about you.

Your parents' arguments are their business, and it's very scummy of your dad to shift the blame on you to make you feel guilt for it. You're not making them fight, they choose to fight. They may not even be aware of what this does to you, and you should tell someone that this is going on in your house. Someone like a school counselor. Both your parents making you chose sides is selfish of them, and it creates big doubt no matter if you play sides or try to be neutral. Gotta take care of that depression, tell a counselor about this ( not the one that will tell your dad you smoke ). Feeling that way takes a big toll on your quality of life. I say "tell a counselor" in the hopes that they can get you diagnosed and prescribed some medicine. Maybe they can convince your dad. He's getting in the way of alleviating your suffering with his attitude towards medicine and therapists.

Lots of good advice in this thread. I am in Australia so don't know all the options available to people in other countries but we have lots of helplines that provide support and advice, and I'm sure the USA must has similar things available. It sounds like it would be good for you to speak with someone anonomously so you can feel comfortable explaining your situation to someone who won't tell anyone you know about it. They will be able to give some objective suggestions about your options and how to deal with the crap that is being forced upon you!

My parents are very irrational especially when angry so I understand the feeling of finding yourself in the middle of adults acting like immature children. It is great that you can see their behaviour for what it is as this means you have the ability to take a step back, see reality and make choices about how you respond to their behaviour.

The most basic way I try and think about it is if people are behaving that way they are suffering, which means they need help. They need psychological first aid. But the first rule of providing first aid is only help others if it doesn't put you in danger of being hurt, because once you are hurt you can't help anyone else. So if becoming emotionally involved is going to damage me then this indicates that is not the right course of action.

So I use the wonder woman defence.... I care but I still use my *ching-ching* defence to protect myself and control the emotional situations people try to drag me into!



Sorry about the rambling, it is hard to put into words, but look after yourself and do what is right for you. That will lead you to the best outcome.

I'm really sorry you've been feeling so down. I've used imalive and they're helpful and 100% anonymous and confidential. Here's another one that could be helpful: http://www.7cupsoftea.com/ It's less suicide prevention based, but you can talk to them anytime about anything and I've also found them helpful. There's also 1 (800) 273-8255, which is the number for the suicide prevention hotline in the U.S.

Believe me, I've been where you are many times and I know how hard it is and how hopeless it feels. But there is still hope and you will have brighter days. I hope that doesn't sound cliched, it's just what I've found to be true. I hope you can find some help, and I hope you can feel a bit better. We at MTS are here for you, too.