I had a customer on silent hold, so mute, and I told them I was going to do that, to find the issue for their problem. He proceeded to tell his roommate how hot I sounded, and said he needs to get on the phone to hear me. I sped through what was wrong, fixed it, and got him off the phone in record time. Holy man, do NOT want any part of that awkwardness at all. Especially at work from customers ..

"Babies are basically dogs that don't play fetch. They beg for food, they look cute, and they attract girls."

Ladies and Gentlemen... my brother.

"So long story short, they had to amputate it."

"I heard it plop!"

"Ma boobs feel really weird today..."

"Is your thingy up high or down low?"

A lady behind me yesterday said, "I have to pee so much I guess it's time for some more water."

I was all like hunh, what?

Later she told me she had to get a sonogram done & her bladder had be as full as she could stand it & the poor gal was also pregnant :-)

Playing Sims 3 on my computer and listening to music when suddenly I hear my mom yell, "FUCK OFF AND DIE!!!!".... Apparently, she doesn't like loud vehicles very much.

My reaction: [IMG]data:image/jpeg;base64,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[/IMG]

Ah, moms... ya gotta love um (since locking them in the cellar is frowned on, and it's really hard to stuff them into the sofa).

"No! No I don't want to learn about sex then eat pizza!" Context: All my friends were in public school while I was homeschooled and were about to take sex ed. They were told that after each sex ed class they'd get free pizza. How about no?

"She's making me touch the boob dog!" Context: A girl stuffed a plush dog down my shirt then pulled it out and rubbed it against another girl about three times.

"Get Wyoming out of your pants you pervert!" Context: I'm pretty sure five of my friends got a hold of some pot because they were out of it and dead set on finishing a puzzle shaped like the US. A kid decided to hide the Wyoming piece down his pants.

"Oh my God, it's squishy like a pillow!" Context: My friends forced another friend to touch my boobs (clothes on.) I don't know why. I don't know why I didn't even try to stop them. I just sat there like wtf.

There was a time when I had friends and we used to hang out and have crazy (as crazy as possible without comsuming alcohol) basement parties. Some of the shit said was just amazing without context.

From over the fence...
"MUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM"
"What?"
"SHE HIT ME"
"oh...well, hit her back.............ONLY ONCE"

Me and my dad were walking behind two old ladies when we were getting groceries and my dad said, "I bet those old ladies are snappy in the sack". Obviously he was joking, I started laughing my ass off and one of the old ladies looked back at me like I was off my meds.

*at a sushi place, teenage girl talking to her parents*

"Oh my God, I swear I don't even understand how Chinese people can possibly eat rice with chopsticks! It's impossible! It's like in that movie where the girl has to learn how to eat rice with them!"
"What movie, sweetheart?"
"Kill Bill I think it's called... That movie where she eats rice with chopsticks and then kills her boyfriend."

Most of my best ones have come from my own conversations to be honest. You know someone's overheard you when they pull a weird face and walk on the other side of the road the next day

"But I just wanted to see Stalin in nipple tassels again..." (A TEACHER said this )

"TROUT!" (At a teacher)
"RAISINS!" (At the same teacher)

"SO YOU CAN SEE MY SIDES!"

Me: "Well, yes, I would contribute to making a race full of fish people."
My friend: "Would you all be salmon or would there be different variations?"
Me: "No, no, we'd all be trout; I wouldn't want any fish racism."
Randomer:

"Imma start calling him Lobster Boy."

"What high school you goneded to?"

I would've let her get away with "gone" because that's how people talk round here, but "goneded"?

Imma Simma, please say the bit about Stalin was said during a discussion on the Oxford Comma...

It actually was
Did the same thing happen to you?

two days ago I heard a couple having a bit of an argument about their Christmas meal in the supermarket.

Woman: when are you going to put the turkey in the oven?
Man: I'll do it later.
Woman: it takes 50 hours to cook!
Man: I said I will do it later.

I'm sure the woman was joking about the turkey, what turkey takes 50 hours to cook?

"I thought reindeers weren't real. Like, deers or whatever" (Can't remember who said it, but I heard it yesterday)
"ROAR ROAR IM POOPING" (My 3 year old sister, who shouts "Im pooping" when she wants attention)
"Father Christmas wont give you any presents if you're not wearing pants" (My older sister to my little sister, who likes to run around nude)

Kid at grocery store: "What's the difference between yams and sweet potatoes?"
Mom at grocery store: "Yams don't exist."
Kid: "See, I feel like that's not true..."

"Just butter my backside and call me a biscuit. My ass is baked." Said by the delivery man who dropped the box my aunt sent to me from California. I got out through my laughter that nothing was breakable. He said he was very relieved to hear that. :-)

A mom and her son were looking at the bananas in the supermarket.

"Mommy, why don't you buy the small ones?

"I only like the big ones."

"Ooh, I have to pee so bad...it's like, hurting my eyeballs." - My algebra teacher

"There was some girl masturbating in class, it was so obvious and everyone knew it was her. It smelled like fish in there." - Some girl on the bus

"RAAAPE! RAAAAPE! RAAAAPE!" - Same girl on the bus who wasn't being raped and some guys thought it was funny and played along with her

"Well we can always do it in the back of the van." - One of my friends in sixth grade talking about math homework or something

"It's not raining. The sky is peeing on you." - Other girl

My nephew had this book, and at the top it had a plushy kid that was asleep (just like shoulders and up) and the front cover was the bed covers. I read the book to him with my partner and when we finished my nephew stroked the plushy boys head, and said in a kindly hush voice "night night, go to sleep or I'll tell you off." he was barley 3 at the time.

He's almost 5 now but he's not really funny any more.

"The problem with safeguarding the future is that most people think of their posterity the same way they think of their posterior."
-Guy on the trail today

Couldn't have said it better myself.

My teacher and a guy in my class were talking about Firefox
Guy: "Once I said Firecox, get it?"
Me: (starts laughing)
Teacher (who's actually pretty cool): "Yeah, let's not."